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Original poster

Why do some family just make no effort but lovely face to face

111 replies

TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:06

As title really… partners family are really lovely, warm people face to face but make zero effort outside of us visiting them, including never travelling (6hrs drive) to visit us. Always on us. They Never really message in between visits, i am one to always initiate. We all have young children so that’s not a reason. Partner says, if we don’t make the effort, we’d never see them… well I am fed up of spending my annual level travelling to see them! They seem really locked in to their little routines, BIL had a run planned with a pal so didn’t even stay for family meal when we visited last week!
I really want to have a good relationship with them but they make it so difficult!

OP posts:
CheeseDreamsTonight · 17/04/2025 07:09

Have you spoken to them about it? Maybe they think you like doing the visiting. My family are 20 minutes away and my sisters won’t drive to see me so I know how it can feel. I’m trying to accept this is how they are. Behaviour is a language I’m afraid.

Original poster
TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:13

I’ve never spoken to them, no. They’re my partners family. Feel more on him to communicate this, he feels same, doesn’t feel appropriate for me to say anything.
100% agree on the behaviour being a language… but it’s the being lovely (and it feeling genuine) when we see them that I don’t get. It’s very mixed messages.

OP posts:
Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:13

Because whilst they quite enjoy your company, not enough to make substantial effort.

There are people like that in my life that I feel about, and I am sure you too OP

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:14

TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:13

I’ve never spoken to them, no. They’re my partners family. Feel more on him to communicate this, he feels same, doesn’t feel appropriate for me to say anything.
100% agree on the behaviour being a language… but it’s the being lovely (and it feeling genuine) when we see them that I don’t get. It’s very mixed messages.

How often are you making this 6 hour trip with young children Op? Do you stay with them or do it in a day?

Original poster
TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:14

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:13

Because whilst they quite enjoy your company, not enough to make substantial effort.

There are people like that in my life that I feel about, and I am sure you too OP

Yep, fair point. although it’s different with friends though, this is family…

OP posts:
CheeseDreamsTonight · 17/04/2025 07:15

@TheSuffolkthat sounds really confusing. Maybe they are unintentionally thoughtless and in their own little world. Could you invite some of them to stay with you?

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:17

TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:14

Yep, fair point. although it’s different with friends though, this is family…

Show quote history

Not necessarily at all

So for ALL members of your family and your partners you’d be willing to make regular 6 hour trips to see?

Presumably they host you with lunch etc? And you stay over?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2025 07:17

Ask yourself why you want to have a good relationship with them at all?. Is it because you think it is expected of you to do so?. They do not sound lovely and or warm to me so wonder why you used those words to describe them.

Importantly here, what does your partner think of this from them?. I presume you are writing mainly about your brother in law?. Do you get on with his wife or does she really do her own thing?.

I would cease using your own annual leave to see them, stop initiating contact and leave them to it. Have firm and consistently applied boundaries.

Original poster
TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:17

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:14

How often are you making this 6 hour trip with young children Op? Do you stay with them or do it in a day?

Show quote history

2-3x a year. But we will stay for 4/5 days to make the travel worth it and I think the face that I use my annual leave for this makes me feel resentful. We also sometimes break the journey up and stop off at a midpoint as a long way for under4s… long way for us too! So expensive in terms of our time and money

OP posts:
Lisapieces · 17/04/2025 07:17

Honestly it is because they are not really that close. I think that dynamic is very common. If you don’t want to spend all your AL visiting them invite them to you every second time and if they don’t come well that is on them.

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:19

TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:17

2-3x a year. But we will stay for 4/5 days to make the travel worth it and I think the face that I use my annual leave for this makes me feel resentful. We also sometimes break the journey up and stop off at a midpoint as a long way for under4s… long way for us too! So expensive in terms of our time and money

Show quote history

You stay with them for this period?

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:19

So they also have under 4s only? Ie not school age?

EmmaBridgewaterMugs · 17/04/2025 07:19

My MIL always took a step back as she didn’t want to appear overbearing. Read some of the threads on here, OP, about MILs, SILs and BILs. Some of them are toe curling.

Have you and your partner ever invited them to your house? Have they refused to visit?

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:20

They Never really message in between visits, i am one to always initiate.

so you invite yourself to them 2-3x a year for 4-5 nights?

Original poster
TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:23

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2025 07:17

Ask yourself why you want to have a good relationship with them at all?. Is it because you think it is expected of you to do so?. They do not sound lovely and or warm to me so wonder why you used those words to describe them.

Importantly here, what does your partner think of this from them?. I presume you are writing mainly about your brother in law?. Do you get on with his wife or does she really do her own thing?.

I would cease using your own annual leave to see them, stop initiating contact and leave them to it. Have firm and consistently applied boundaries.

I Think family is important and I’d like to have a good relationship with them because my children really enjoy the company of their cousins. It’s not because I see it as an expectation.

definitely not mainly writing about brother in law, found his behaviour extra disappointing last week but my my partners parents and SIL in laws (two sets) all act similarly, never messaging, never travelling.

thank you - agree this is the last time I will use AL to visit. Firm boundaries from here, including no initiating contact. I guess I felt that I would ‘crack them’ one day and we’d have a lovely close relationship but they are obviously just not interested, are they.

OP posts:
Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:24

I’m a bit confused

you are always the one to initiate contact. Does that mean you invite yourself?

you stay for 4-5 nights… with them?

and they too have only non school aged kids?

BigHeadBertha · 17/04/2025 07:25

The most likely reason to me that they don't go out of their way to see you is because they don't want to, over the other things they could be spending that time, effort and money on. People vary on how much family togetherness they crave.

Them accepting your wishes to visit them and being pleasant while you're there doesn't necessarily mean they crave more togetherness. It could be they're generally polite and agreeable people.

You seem to feel like your idea of how much time to spend together is somehow the "correct" amount and getting angry that they apparently don't agree with you on that.

Also, I've never understood people who think going to stay at someone else's home is more work than actually being the one who is hosting people at their home. I think the six hour drive each way is much easier than having houseguests for several days.

Original poster
TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:25

EmmaBridgewaterMugs · 17/04/2025 07:19

My MIL always took a step back as she didn’t want to appear overbearing. Read some of the threads on here, OP, about MILs, SILs and BILs. Some of them are toe curling.

Have you and your partner ever invited them to your house? Have they refused to visit?

Often invite them. Try to arrange midpoint meet ups. No interest. Parents in law have visited since children born a few times.

OP posts:
Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:26

TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:25

Often invite them. Try to arrange midpoint meet ups. No interest. Parents in law have visited since children born a few times.

Show quote history

So they invite you 2-3x a year to stay with them for 4-5 nights? Correct?

midsummabreak · 17/04/2025 07:27

I think that you would be better off investing more of your time in quality friendships rather than concentrating on family members who just don’t want to make the effort. I would give them as much time and energy as they give to you.

ViciousCurrentBun · 17/04/2025 07:28

Family are just thrust upon us though op. I am one of 5 sisters I can honestly say I like them at different levels. To quote my DH ‘you and your sisters are like a social experiment’. I have a lot in common with one we can chat for hours about all manner of stuff as we have interests that cross over. Then we have our other 2 sisters who are really nice women but we have nothing in common with them at all except the accident of birth. Then there is the last sister, the less said about her the better.

A 6 hour drive is a huge effort, mine are 4 hours away. I’m assuming they all still live close together and your partner is the one who moved away? Almost all effort to see has been myself but I can see multiple family members so seems more worth it for me.

Kilroyonly · 17/04/2025 07:29

I understand where you’re coming from, my family are the same. Unless I initiate contact & go to them I wouldn’t see/speak to them. My own parents/sibling have been to my home less than 10 times in last decade & wouldn’t think of making the effort. If we arrange to meet up it is assumed I go to them. Frankly I wouldn’t bother anymore & if you arrange to see them tell them you have been to them many times it’s their turn to come to you. All this BS about ‘have you actually invited them’…close family really don’t need an official invitation they are just lazy

StupidBoy · 17/04/2025 07:30

Which in laws do you mean? Your partner's parents, or just his brother and family?

Perhaps if they all still live in the same home town or reasonably close to it, and your partner is the only one to have moved six hours away, they feel it's his responsibility to 'come back home.' They probably think it makes more practical sense rather than two or three sets of people all having to travel to you and find somewhere to stay overnight etc, in order for you all to be together. Whereas if they travel to you, you could probably only accommodate a couple of them at a time.

Not that that should matter, there's no law that says your visits have to include everyone getting together simultaneously. Have you tried inviting them to you, just the PIL's or just one sibling and their immediate family at a time?

Also with the messaging, people are all very different like that. I have a friend who speaks to both her adult children every day, sometimes multiple times. I have three adult children and two of them live far away from me. No grandchildren yet, but they hardly ever message me or phone me and if I were to text them general chit chat every few days they'd probably ignore it because it would get on their nerves. And quite honestly it's not really my style either. We have a routine of no contact for about a month (sometimes more) then a good catch up on video call, plus a visit every 2 to three months or whenever we can all spare the time. Sometimes we'll go to them but they don't have space for us to stay so we go to a hotel. Obviously they and their partners can all come and stay with us and see the other sibling at the same time, so it just makes more sense. Unless there is an important reason we don't have much contact beyond that. We all get along great and it's not a sign of anything amiss in the relationship.

anotherdayanotherissue · 17/04/2025 07:30

I think your overstaying your welcome, 2/3 times a year for 4/5 nights a time is a lot! We only do that with my in laws once a year for 3/4 nights and thats more than enough 😂

Original poster
TheSuffolk · 17/04/2025 07:30

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 07:24

I’m a bit confused

you are always the one to initiate contact. Does that mean you invite yourself?

you stay for 4-5 nights… with them?

and they too have only non school aged kids?

No, my partner arranges the visits with his parents. We stay with his parents. Wide variety of children ages from 1-14.
re messaging, just little messages from me here and there trying to be friendly.

OP posts: