Why do some family just make no effort but lovely face to face

[TheSuffolk]

As title really… partners family are really lovely, warm people face to face but make zero effort outside of us visiting them, including never travelling (6hrs drive) to visit us. Always on us. They Never really message in between visits, i am one to always initiate. We all have young children so that’s not a reason. Partner says, if we don’t make the effort, we’d never see them… well I am fed up of spending my annual level travelling to see them! They seem really locked in to their little routines, BIL had a run planned with a pal so didn’t even stay for family meal when we visited last week!
I really want to have a good relationship with them but they make it so difficult!

I certainly think so! I’d find it considerably easier to travel than host four people, including young children, for four or five days.

Are you the op?

Are you talking about OP?

Was it your family OP who moved away from them? Six hours in the car is a hell of a long way with young kids and their thought process probably is ‘well they chose to live in Inverness!’

When we holiday in the UK, I’d go for 3.5 hours in the car with children but I wouldn’t do six hours.

I have family like this, and I just don’t see them, I resent doing all the running around. It’s a shame, growing up I was really close to my cousins and when I do see them we get on well, but they obviously don’t value the relationship as much as me. I invite them over and just get no response. Feels like a rejection, I’m a bit sad about it, but what can you do?

I guess as well when OP goes there her family can see all of them at once – so from a logical point of view they might also just assume this makes more sense.

No, haha
Although there’s not much ‘hosting’ really, in our partners family home, make ourselves breakfast and lunch if we’re in. Dinner a mix of dining out and all in together. PIL often put on large Sunday meals for 10+, another 4 obviously makes a bit of difference to mouths to feed but not hugely

Exactly, what can you do. This situation seems quite similar

I have a slightly different take, if your children are really enjoying these visits then I would carry on but maybe reduce the number. It is for your children you are doing it for, not them. In that case you should be happy to do this on your own terms - to suit yourselves.

The kind of relationship you are looking for is not really possible with that distance. I can see why the family is happy to see you, but equally not rushing to try and emulate a ‘close family’ that aren’t physically close. They probably have everything they need there. You can move potentially? If this is what you are seeking.

We see my in laws 2/3 times a year, and it works well for us. I’m not expecting anything beyond enjoyable family connections, and keeping in touch loosely with each others lives. We have a very busy life here, and couldn’t stretch to more than that.

What’s the situation with your family op?

And what do you all do during the day for 4-5 days?

There is no way I would be wasting my AL either! So precious and reserved for quality decompression!

Given the visits are arranged between your husband and his parents…. Presumably they have their own chats and interaction completely separate to you? They’re close? Do they invite or does your husband invite you all over?

Absolutely. The fact my children enjoy cousin time is a big motivating factor alongside the fact my partner really enjoys seeing his parents and going back to his home region ( we live in a big city, his family rural NE coast). Which is why it’s so frustrating as all the children love hanging out together but it’s just on us to facilitate this!

No, I’m talking about a similar scenario with my DH’s family where we have to drive w huge distance with very young children & babies and it sounds like the “hosting” at my DH’s family is very similar to that of the OP ie none and definitely not more effort to just allow someone to sleep in their childhood room vs driving your toddlers half way across the country and then entertaining them in a new space.

The other children all live locally to one another and presumably do hang out with their cousins all the time
You moved away

I know 😭
so needed some big decompression time from work recently but this family trip has just added to the stress! A line needs to now been drawn and effort much reduced. Suddenly seeing the situation for what it is

This!

plus now yoi say you were staying with husbands parents I don’t see why your bil couldn’t do his run, it’s important to him. You are there 5 days!

there is probably some sibling stuff and they are happy with how it is

Op, are you aware of how the conversations go between your husband and his parents arranging these visits? Ie who invites who?

Beach, playgrounds, walks, garden time, BBQs. Go to each others houses. All have a grand time together.

and they presumably do all that amongst themselves all the time because they’re local

you moved away op

Can’t you just enjoy the mini breaks to the country side a couple of times a year?

So would be cutting off nose to spite face to say to your husband “ok let’s cut right back on these 2-3x a year visits that you arrange with your parents as I’m not taking any more AL”

Our recent visit was 2 days with one family meal together which is why the BIL not coming along was a bit annoying

The first drip