Why do some family just make no effort but lovely face to face

[TheSuffolk]

As title really… partners family are really lovely, warm people face to face but make zero effort outside of us visiting them, including never travelling (6hrs drive) to visit us. Always on us. They Never really message in between visits, i am one to always initiate. We all have young children so that’s not a reason. Partner says, if we don’t make the effort, we’d never see them… well I am fed up of spending my annual level travelling to see them! They seem really locked in to their little routines, BIL had a run planned with a pal so didn’t even stay for family meal when we visited last week!
I really want to have a good relationship with them but they make it so difficult!

Was your husband upset? Did he say anything to his brother?

I don’t get this op. Do you have a difficult relationship with your family hence desire for more with your husband’s?

Yes!!! It was 4-5 days

It sounds like there’s a lot of them there, together in one location and it’s just your branch of the family that is far away.

In situations like this where the majority of the family all have each other for when they want family time and support, it’s understandable that they’d rather have that time locally because they can. They don’t need to travel to achieve family time, but for whatever reason, you do. It’s not unreasonable for the part of the family that moved away to have the most responsibility for facilitating future contact. You are as loved and welcome as everyone else in the family, you’re just not as connected because of the distance.

That isn’t them giving mixed messages, it’s them being normal.

The last visit was “2 days with one family meal”

Are you the OP having name-changed? How can you possibly know how much effort her FIL makes in hosting?

Op, it’s almost certainly the case that the cousins spend a lot of time as it is having fun and hanging out. There is family time most of the time. They don’t need to drive six hours to achieve this. Your dc enjoy it, so it’s worth doing once or twice a year. The in laws clearly don’t feel the need to go anywhere, they can choose as it’s their life. In the same way you can choose not to continue.

If you need a proper break, book a holiday or use your time off to relax and stop making arrangements to go there. The kids can invite friends over locally, and you can have some time off. It sounds like you are exhausted, and the big drive up there is becoming too much.

The money and time could be better used to help create more relaxation and less work. This is why you have started to resent it. I would make it bank holiday weekends only perhaps, and not waste any AL then you would look
forward to proper breaks and family time when you are rested.

Do exactly what suits you, stop the rest and you will feel much better.

Your dc will get older and won’t want to go, so it will come to a natural end anyway.

I have found that some people just don’t place the level of ‘importance of family ‘ as much as others - a lot of older people just don’t like travelling long distances by car or train and as you say get very attached to particular routines- I do admit we rarely used to go over and see my FIL when he was 4 hours away . In his case it was because he lived in the middle of a village with no town on the doorstep and zero facilities, not even a nice pub- so when there we were literally stuck in the house all day with nothing to do /nowhere to wander- it’s not even a very scenic area for walks etc - so he used to prefer driving over to us for a bit of life even in his early 80s !! He’s now moved11 miles from us and somewhere lively , so we see him most weeks for a few hours, sometimes at ours, sometimes at his-

i might suggest a midpoint day out OP if his parents are ok to drive/catch train - meet ata pub or restaurant etc- so it’s just ‘a day’

YABU to expect reciprocity.

From their point of view, your DH moved six hours away from the family area. He and his family (you) are very welcome and hosted every time you can come "back", but it just isn't the same as living close and being there for each other, you are a visit.
Yes, children enjoy cousins, but the cousins need other friends who are closer, who are there for them every day.

It isn't uncommon that grandparents are the main meeting point for their adult children's families.

If going there 3 times a year is too much, go twice/let him go with the children without you.

Yep, fair point. although it’s different with friends though, this is family…

It really isn’t. This sounds like a family dynamic that your partner is unwilling to resolve. I personally wouldn’t be sacrificing my AL for, he is more than welcome to make the journey without you.

I am guessing you might have tried this - but how about suggesting a holiday together with one set of cousins or parents in law?
Rent a big air b&b & have a holiday and see each other? Doesn't have to be abroad.

I get your frustration with the using up of holiday/leave - we don't live near family and spent many years of time off visiting.
My brother & I have also been away on holiday with our respective families which was great fun.

Maybe they can’t afford to travel with fuel etc and are embarrassed to say anything. Very much why we aren’t able to do much visiting but are delighted when we have visitors.
Might be easier when kids are older.
I sometimes resent having to host or visit after a long stint of work.