Why do some family just make no effort but lovely face to face

[TheSuffolk]

As title really… partners family are really lovely, warm people face to face but make zero effort outside of us visiting them, including never travelling (6hrs drive) to visit us. Always on us. They Never really message in between visits, i am one to always initiate. We all have young children so that’s not a reason. Partner says, if we don’t make the effort, we’d never see them… well I am fed up of spending my annual level travelling to see them! They seem really locked in to their little routines, BIL had a run planned with a pal so didn’t even stay for family meal when we visited last week!
I really want to have a good relationship with them but they make it so difficult!

Lovely post and i agree completely

Same situation. We moved 6 hours away (same country) to where my family lived as we simply could not afford to live where DP is from. Prior to that my parents and I (then DP when he came along) spent equal time travelling to visit each other - usually once or twice a year each. My DB and I are very close but he lives between two foreign countries on the other side of the world. It does make sense for him to visit the UK more frequently as can see all the family at once but both myself and DP and my parents have also made the effort to travel to visit him on a couple of occasions. We are doing so again later this year. That’s just the dynamic in my family though. When we lived in the same place as DPs family we only saw his brother, sister and grandparents when it was a birthday and his mum organised it. We saw his mum maybe once a month sometimes less until we had a baby then it was once a week (🙄). The dynamics are just different in his family which is fine. We visit them once a year, same as his uncles who both live away. DP has been down on his own in addition now and again. His mum visits us once a year too. I think as other posters have said that because you move away you owe them the visit which is quite a rubbish attitude to have as likely you did something in the best interests of your family by moving. That said, I’m an ex military brat and spent my childhood moving around every 2 years so might have a different perspective on all this than the general population.

Only difference to you is that I’ve only ever given what I’ve got from my sibling ILs which is being pleasant face to face. I don’t expect anything else and you can’t force them to.

Your kids can enjoy your cousins company when you see them. BIL has two boys aged 8 & 9 who always get on well and play with their second cousins aged 10 & 13 whenever DPs uncle visits from 8 hours away maybe once or twice a year as a family but BIL never visits them.

I'd reduce the visit to once a year OP and invite them all to yours once a year. If they don't come that's on them. I have family like this. I've just started accepting it for what it is. It's still irritating when they make the inevitable - we'd love to see you more comments. I've started just saying - you could visit me!

I assume your husband moved away from his family area? I think this makes a difference about who travels and not and some people just only live in their small area and just don't contemplate a longer drive. It sounds like they appreciate that you make the effort, but you need to decide what you are comfortable with, maybe leave it to your husband to initiate. Put your boundaries in, accept them for what they are and get on with your life.

6 hours driving each way? With young children? I think that’s your answer! What about meeting halfway or taking a plane or train instead?

So if the parents in law and BIL live close to each other are you and your partner the ones who moved away? Tbh i have pre aged children and I don’t know if I would do a 6 hour drive for anyone! Especially if they were the ones who moved away and expected me to make that massive effort to see them multiple times a year. FaceTime chats would have to do. I also don’t know if how I would feel if I was being expected to drop everything to cater to a visit for 4-5 days 2-3 times a year.

I think it's likely that because they all live in closer proximity to each other, it's become the norm for the more 'cut off' group (you) to visit the bigger, more geographically close group. It's easier logistically for them and probably isn't loaded with any significance. As far as they are concerned, they see you 2-3 times per year and that's plenty of contact in their otherwise busy lives. It a bit lazy on their end but probably isn't something they give much thought to, because the do see you when you visit and are happy to see you.
I get that you are also busy, but possibly you are someone who needs more family contact than they do - remember that they are probably seeing each other more frequently (again due to proximity) and haven't really analysed how much/little they meet up with one relative over another!

That said, it's a waste of annual leave to do this trip every time you get a break from work. You'd feel
less resentful if you prioritised your own family holidays or just took the time to relax at home. I'd go for cutting down the visits but not making a big deal of it.

Families are just people - some we really like and get on well with; others not so much. An occasional meet up (once or twice a year) is perfectly normal for many families, and doesn't mean that you've fallen out.

I certainly wouldn't be giving up annual leave to visit people who I'm not that fussed about/are not that fussed about me.
Let's move on from the "cult" of the family, and develop our relationships with our friends (ie the people we have chosen in our lives).

But who exactly are you talking about here? Your PIL’s (considerable) effort consists in hosting you, your DH and your young children for four or five days two or three times a year! Surely you can’t think that indicates ‘no effort’!

How will Your do dog take it ?

My ex inlaws and ex sister in law lived 3 1/2 hours away. They were so much fun but never bothered with us, it was always me asking to visit and planning. I gave up a few years ago and it dwindled to nothing. No idea why, they always seemed happy to see us and said about planning more but nothing ever came to it. I focus on my side of the family now, especially post divorce.

If everyone enjoys the visits just keep making them. I’m a bit like your in-laws, I love seeing people but I’m never quite organized enough to make visits myself. I’m happy to throw the doors open to anyone who comes my way and throw a cake in the oven. I guess I’m just more comfortable being a host than a guest.

I am generally the person who travels to see others in my family too although my parents are actually great at visiting me as well though they never stay for long in any one visit, always too busy with various things despite being retired 🤣 My siblings less so. They do have smaller kids where I have a teen and spouses where I am on my own, and one of my siblings I believe has undiagnosed ASD and really seems to struggle out of her usual routines and environment, but it does hurt that she never ever ever visits me. Think it’s partly a money thing with my other sibling, I genuinely believe she’d visit a lot more despite the young kids if she had a bit more spare cash. Also if I’d a bigger house to put them up (I’m in a much more expensive but of the U.K.). They both have more space than me. I’ve accepted it as my role to be the traveller for the most part in maintaining family relationships, which are super important to me (and to them I think), but hope the dynamic will change to some extent in the future with one of my siblings at least. And with the other I’ve realised it’s just how she is and not a reflection of how much she values the relationship, it’s not personal.

wtf does this mean?

People get very used to their routines. If you’re the “odd ones out”, they will have got very comfortable with the idea that you need to come to them as it’s more convenient for everyone (read: everyone but you) that way. And on some level they may think you should be the ones making the effort.

We have this with my family - and I hate to say it, but it’s got worse over the years. It’s about half the distance you describe. But the roads seem to only run in one direction. As my DPs have got older, and now have local grandchildren, they’ve become very comfortable with the idea of only seeing our DCs in school holidays when we travel to them. My DPs will occasionally visit us but maybe one trip for every 3/4 we make and there’s an increasing reluctance to commit to dates. And although we’re expected to keep the period of our visit free, other relatives don’t and often have plans when we’re there - it’s as if we’re expected to make ourselves available and then others can drop in as it suits.

I think you have to focus on what kind of a relationship you have, whether it is where you want it to be, and the impact of doing less. In our case, as much as my family love us, we are very much expected to make 90% of the effort. My DCs love my relatives and the relationship will decline if we don’t do this, so we do it. It’s not how I want it to be and raises lots of uncomfortable questions for me - but this is where we are. You may reach different conclusions.

The answer is obviously that they like you enough to enjoy your company and be pleasant when they happen to encounter you, but not enough to make it happen more than it does. That's pretty common. I have many acquaintances who I know through mutual friends, have regularly seen over the years at social events, but have never gone out of my way to socialise with otherwise. Presumably they feel the same about me.

In this case you don't particularly seem to like them either, but you're stuck on the idea that you have to make an effort because they're family. If they were distant friends you'd just accept you weren't that close. But like a PP said family are just people. You don't need to make a close relationship happen if no one seems to really want it. It's fine if you're not close. Stop putting yourself out and they'll just be people you have civil conversations with at occasional family events. Focus on people you actually like, and who also like you.

How often do you see your parents and siblings op?

Maybe they are just passive people generally?

I think if they didn’t enjoy the relationship they would find excuses to avoid the visits, so I don’t think it’s that. My money is on obliviousness, and them not needing to make an effort because you always do.

I disagree, you choose fiends you like, family is just a result of people having sex.

Why are you doing it if you resent it? You don’t want it, they aren’t bothered . So stop.

But they’re making an effort if they’re hosting the OP, her DH and their young children for four or five days at a time, twice or three times a year!

Hi, my partner’s family is also far away, about 4 hrs away from us in Suffolk. They also never come to us, and we always go to them. But to be honest with you, this happens once or max twice a year and we normally go to say hi and spend max 2 nights, if not 1 night. I understand that your situation is a bit different as 6 hours drive is a long way to go. I would never spend all my holidays going to see my partners family. I would save it for “our family” holidays. And would use only one weekend to see his family. The thing is, is also too much for other people to have you around so many times a year and for so long. I say this as if it was the other way round with family visiting me 4-5 times a year. I would personally not be happy at all with it, is hard work and I don’t like to be serving people for all that time :(. Sorry but I missed if you stay at theirs or if you stay in hotels, but staying at someone’s house is a big no for me. Specially for more than 1 night, with children. I know is hard to have family away and we always want to make the good impression that we care, but most of the times they will not feel like that when we overstay (is hard work!). Maybe you could reevaluate how often you go and how long you stay and prioritise your own little family from now on instead of focusing on his family :)

That’s true actually! Arguably more of an effort in fact, now you mention it.

This really depends. FIL certainly doesn’t make any more effort by simply allowing his son to stay in his family home for a few days with his family.
Theres no “hosting” and it’s certainly not more effort than driving 4 hours each way with very young kids.