Why do some family just make no effort but lovely face to face

[TheSuffolk]

As title really… partners family are really lovely, warm people face to face but make zero effort outside of us visiting them, including never travelling (6hrs drive) to visit us. Always on us. They Never really message in between visits, i am one to always initiate. We all have young children so that’s not a reason. Partner says, if we don’t make the effort, we’d never see them… well I am fed up of spending my annual level travelling to see them! They seem really locked in to their little routines, BIL had a run planned with a pal so didn’t even stay for family meal when we visited last week!
I really want to have a good relationship with them but they make it so difficult!

Thank you for your message and understanding

I know how you feel, we would never see my IL's if we didn't go and see them. They are so tied to their house, mainly due to their dogs but they where just the same before the dogs. It wasn't until we had kids I realised that we always visited them. They are only an hour away and there have been years where we've seen my parents more often and they are 4 hours away.

It does annoy me also that my sister doesn't vist us either. She just won't drive the distance and I've never figured out why she can't drive when I'm the one doing it upto my Dad's. It is easier for us to stay with him, but even after we moved to a bigger house people seem reluctant to stay with us.

I absolutely would not be doing that 2 to 3 times a year. Once would be the limit with young kids. They maybe feel you should be the ones to make the visits if you moved away but I would visit once a year and do video calls occasionally. I understand your dh will want to visit his parents but he could do a trip himself once a year and when the kids are older you could rethink what is manageable.

So they host you and two young children for 4-5 nights 2-3x a year. That is quite a big deal OP

They arrange this with their son. So he invites himself or they invite you?

So re messaging, you drop them the odd message in between and they don’t respond?

I completely agree, thank you, needed this comment

I think hosting 4 people including two very young children for circa 15 nights a year… is a pretty decent family effort!

I wouldn’t bother trying to force things that aren’t really there.

I rarely see in laws even though they live local. They have never visited our house and wouldn’t see our DS unless we instigated a visit to them. DH and I have been together for over 15 years and we wouldn’t even have the phone number of each other’s families let alone message them frequently.

We set up a life and social scene with friends and others we met who had similar age children. Much of this was down to the fact that we have a 4 year old DS and the next youngest in our extended family ie cousins etc is 19 so nobody else with anywhere near similar age children for our DS to bond with.

I think your overthinking it.

they sound like they’re quite happy with their own routine of life and are happy to see you when you visit.

if they know you’re coming down 2 or 3 times a year then they probably don’t feel the need to visit you as they know you’re going to be seeing them every few months.

I have family like this, they visit us very few months and stay the evening as they pass through to visit other family members/go on holiday. We’ve not had to visit them but we’re very happy to see them/have them stay when they need to.

I think some people put a great deal of emphasis on family being so important when other people don’t.
I consider my friends to be more important. They are the people I chose to be in my life. Family was just the people I was born related to. I have nothing in common with them.
In your shoes I would drop the rope. I wouldn’t use annual leave to visit. I would visit much less often and I wouldn’t message them. They clearly aren’t interested in having a close relationship with you so why waste your energy on them?

Definitely agree with this, thank you. Clearly not interested and will be dropping the rope from here on in!

Hosting!! They are their son, DIL & grandchildren..guess you’re in the low effort category as well

I can’t get my head around that. We’ve never done even 1 night. The arrangements they have are way beyond anything I’ve experienced. I can’t imagine my in laws reaction if I suggested we were coming for 4 days. They’d assume we were homeless or something!

I have a lot of family 5+ hours away. We visit them 90% of the time.

My parents have visited me only a handful of times in the 20 years that I have lived this far away from them (one was for my wedding which is kind of necessary!) They are just very attached to their house and routine and do not like travelling.

It's really up to you if you want to resent them for this or not. They are unlikely to change and putting pressure on them to visit you if they don't really want to will not do anything good for the relationship.

With these kinds of relationships I have found that you have to just accept them for what they are if you want them in your life.

Don't go out of your way to visit to the extent that you feel resentful. Just visit when you want to and when you feel like it, don't visit out of obligation, even if it seems a long time between visits.

I know

and I have school aged kids / teens… and no way can we just set aside 5 days at a time to socialise with extended family we’re not close to

They host you for circa 15 nights a year and you say they aren’t bothering and not interested. Good grief!

Is it a big deal for them to “host” their own son and his family for a few days?
I would say ifs a fairly normal and reasonable occurrence for someone to travel back and stay with their parents for a few days to visit. It’s hardly the parents going hugely out of their way for the OP!

My husband's family are similar but live much closer. I stopped making the effort a few years ago and haven't seen them for 18 months.

You’d agree that hosting four people circa 15 nights a year doesn’t indicate that they aren’t bothered or interested surely?

Maybe just have a once a year family catch up that everyone commits to being there for. Maybe at a traditional family gathering time - Easter and then if you want to make it a week it won't use as much out of your annual leave. Or in summer for the hope of better weather.

At least then you'll have managed visiting expectations and won't have to give anymore headspace to the family meet up issue. This way you won't lose touch completely.

They stay with parent, OP is clearly talking about the family as a whole.

OP, it’s a similar story with us. We drive 4 hours to stay with DH’s side, who moan about hardly seeing us and then we get there and no one can make the effort for a day or two while we’re actually there!
BIL will be supposedly be coming over for breakfast to spend time together, see the kids etc and will then ring at midday to cancel because he went out the night before for example.
FIL will have a his day planned full of random walks with friends when he’s retired and could have planned it literally any other day!
It’s annoying because it’s really difficult for us to drive for such a journey with 2 young kids plus the upheaval of staying somewhere else.

We are moving soon and will go from travelling to see them 2-3 times a year to just once so I guess if they wanted to see DH and the kids they would have to make more of an effort which I’m sure they won’t.

OP

re your comment to me

"I Think family is important and I’d like to have a good relationship with them because my children really enjoy the company of their cousins".

But they re not close to their cousins due to physical distance. You've ended top using your own AL to drive the best part of six hours to see them; a visit that is not reciprocated. I think it's a wish held by many parents that their kids are close to their cousins but the fact is that this does not happen all that often. Kids make their own friends when they are at playgroup or in school and their cousins often become dim and distant relations.

Is it not more the case that if they are all local it makes more sense to them that you’d go to them.

i personally wouldn’t cut my nose off to spite my face. I’d keep a level of contact that you feel comfortable with. Use what AL you want to and also make phone calls etc when you feel like it.

I would definitely feel like you OP so I’m not saying you are wrong at all, but I think I’d also be thinking of the cousin relationship and try to keep that going - the next generation might be much more equitable and you might find that your nieces and nephews will make more effort when they are independent.

I am lucky that we are close to family and I am quietly hoping that my nieces and nephews will one day want to come and stay/ have dinner bought for them etc. I also really want a close relationship between my kids and their cousins so I am trying to foster that so that they one day will all meet up without us oldies around.

I do really get your hurt though, it’s shit when you are the one to always make contact- I have that in several areas of life and it does hurt

Did you move that far away or did they? I think that has an impact

My ex bil & SIL were like this. Visited our house once in 10 years. We lived less than a hour away and bil worked 30 mins away from were we lived. We always had to go to their house to see them.
It’s a shame but I would stop bothering op.
You can’t change them. Like a previous poster said concentrate on real friends.
I was very close to my cousins growing up so it isn’t easy.

We lived 4 hours away from inlaws when dc were young. We travelled to see parents a few times a year and met rest of family then. We had moved and it was up to dh to visit his parents. If the rest of the family had stuff on that was fine as its their life and when we are gone home their friends are important. We just did it. No issue as dh wanted to see his parents and the dc loved their cousins. I wouldn't fight against it. Obviously if you are going elsewhere on holidays l would make that the priority but otherwise if your dh has this way of being with his family just go along with that. But l wouldn't expect special treatment when there.
I have three brothers scattered around the country and we have agreed that whenever we meet its great but none of us are under pressure to be in regular contact as we all have busy lives. There is no confusion then or hurt feelings.
We travel to visit them when it suits and in between forget about them. But l love them dearly and am always pleased to see them.
I wouldn't waste emotional energy thinking about this.