Married 25 Years no sex.

[MrGG]

Help. Male age 55 here. So I been married 25 years (Anniversary just recently). We both work & have 2 beautiful daughters both doing amazing and living away , ages 20/22. We don’t have any intimate life anymore, about 2 years agowe was very active sexually and then one day, whoosh it just stopped, she isn’t having an affair or anything life that, fyi she is 50 and fit, attractive and I call her the nicest person I ever met, she is kind, note: we never argue. Now by accident and without planning I have met someone through work (that is probably ever only going to be a friend), she is intelligent, engaging and we have totally clicked, she is in her 30s and we dont see each other for 2 months at a time due to what jobs we do, but stupid me, I am developing feelings for her of the intimate kind in my head, I literally dreamed of her again last night, is that because my life is so stale ? I don’t want to lose my family, be a cheat etc etc but I can see that my life is far from perfect & I am still active, fit and healthy and have a lot to give in many ways, I am conscious life creeps up quickly and I don’t want to be living my last decades stale, as I am sure my wife doesn’t too. I am at a loss. Any advice welcome. More info / I live in London and go out most weekends and meet all sorts of people, never do I get feelings of this kind for someone else, this woman is special, she is disabled albeit an unnoticeable but very serious condition, I imagine me helping her lead a fulfilling life that she deserves (at any cost to me). Thanks to you for reading this messed up message 😬 Pleas be kind but helpful. Respect.

“At any cost to me” - what about the cost to your wife and children? You think you’re going to be some white knight saviour for this woman and that absolves you from the emotional affair you’re having?
If youre not happy in your marriage, you’re entitled to leave it for whatever reason - but don’t try to make yourself the hero

What does your wife say about the end of your sexlife together? Why has it stopped? Is it the menopause? What have you discussed and is she interested in trying to rekindle a sexlife?

imagine me helping her lead a fulfilling life that she deserves (at any cost to me)
By having an affair with her?! 😂Or are you planning to leave your wife? Seems a bit egotistical to think you're the answer to her prayers.

What happens if you sit down and chat about putting a spark back in the marriage?

She's probably hit menopause and her libido has taken a nose dive, mine did. I'm currently taking HRT and testosterone and it's brought the whole thing bubbling up again.

As long as you are a good husband, help out, take the mental load, are loving and remember sex starts at breakfast with the things you say and do.

I agree that I have lost a complete sense of reality. No I have not discussed it, everyday leads to another and it always feel really awkward to even attempt to talk about it. Thanks for the reply.

It’s highly unlikely that a woman in her 30s is going to want to get involved with a man old enough to be her dad who has more baggage than Heathrow. Sorry.

If your marriage isn’t working, separate. Do it for you though, not for this woman.

Thanks for the reply this makes a lot of sense thank you.

You said
I don’t want to lose my family, be a cheat etc
Then said:
I imagine me helping her lead a fulfilling life that she deserves (at any cost to me)

Well, which is it?

I imagine me helping her lead a fulfilling life that she deserves

What on earth makes you think this 30 something woman needs a 55 year old man to do this?

If you still find your wife desirable & very much want a sex life with her then you must find a way to discuss it regardless of how awkward or uncomfortable it is. For her to make a unilateral decision that the marriage is now sexless is incredibly selfish without prior discussion/agreement.

Just don't start having a thing with a woman 20 years younger, OP. Just don't. Horrible for your wife and family and probably won't work out well for the young woman either, even if she's initially up for it.
Focus on your marriage. Couples counselling could help you both find a way forward.

My "D"H left me for someone that young, they had a connection apparently....

She's dumped him for now as couldn't deal with him seeing his kids and being in regular contact (logistics only) with me

Don't you think 25 years of marriage, 2 adult children and your wife being a likeable, even loveable person deserves at least a conversation before you go off after some other woman?!

Better yet, several conversations and an attempt to get things on track?

Usually I would 100% agree so don’t apologise, but we both have similar life expectancy, (due to her condition).

What do you actually want? Because we can all give you tips on saving your marriage but it's pointless if you've checked out.

I think from your replies that you know you’ve tipped over into some madcap ideas and your wife deserves a conversation, despite how awkward you may think it’ll be

i would honestly recommend couples sex therapy. A couple I know have done this recently and said it has completely invigorated their intimacy and having an impartial third person delve into what caused the sex to stop and what needs to happen to get the spark back actually took away the awkwardness as it forced the difficult questions they were each too embarrassed to ask each other

I will attempt this later , I appreciate your comment thank you.

You married your wife because you love her. She is desirable and a lovely person. So take her out for a meal - a date - away from your normal routine and see what she says about your relationship. Forget the other woman - she is a fantasy.

Unless you're wealthy, I'd have thought a woman with a life limiting and serious disability is more likely to want a partner her own age due to her higher awareness of health and mortality than a carefree, healthy 30 year old.

Limerence. Don't be a fool. Try to refocus on your wife. Keep as much distance from this woman. You can thank me later.

100 agree, I needed the Mumsnet mafia to help me give my head a wobble and they have. Thanks for the comment appreciate that !

This. Doesn't this young woman deservs a man her age who she can have kids with, grow old with.
OP you need to talk to your wife and tell her that you miss her. Check in with her. Instead of throwing everything away because of your libido and misdirected savior complex.

This is grim.

Please leave her alone and stop using her disability as an excuse to do something that you would usually disagree with,

Thank you I ageee with you point wholeheartedly just needed help as felt alone. Appreciate your message.

I would also very much think of your children in this. Especially if either are daughters. If my dad in my 20s left my mum for a woman barely older than me then I would honestly lose all respect for him and our relationship would be irrevocably damaged.

Fix what you have and your relationship may very well thrive with the honesty

Yes i do u as drifting into complacency i can see that now. Cheers for the input