Married 25 Years no sex.

[MrGG]

Help. Male age 55 here. So I been married 25 years (Anniversary just recently). We both work & have 2 beautiful daughters both doing amazing and living away , ages 20/22. We don’t have any intimate life anymore, about 2 years agowe was very active sexually and then one day, whoosh it just stopped, she isn’t having an affair or anything life that, fyi she is 50 and fit, attractive and I call her the nicest person I ever met, she is kind, note: we never argue. Now by accident and without planning I have met someone through work (that is probably ever only going to be a friend), she is intelligent, engaging and we have totally clicked, she is in her 30s and we dont see each other for 2 months at a time due to what jobs we do, but stupid me, I am developing feelings for her of the intimate kind in my head, I literally dreamed of her again last night, is that because my life is so stale ? I don’t want to lose my family, be a cheat etc etc but I can see that my life is far from perfect & I am still active, fit and healthy and have a lot to give in many ways, I am conscious life creeps up quickly and I don’t want to be living my last decades stale, as I am sure my wife doesn’t too. I am at a loss. Any advice welcome. More info / I live in London and go out most weekends and meet all sorts of people, never do I get feelings of this kind for someone else, this woman is special, she is disabled albeit an unnoticeable but very serious condition, I imagine me helping her lead a fulfilling life that she deserves (at any cost to me). Thanks to you for reading this messed up message 😬 Pleas be kind but helpful. Respect.

In his defence (sorry!!) he’s hardly a “coffin dodger” at 55 😂😂

So without any conversation with your wife of 25 years who you claim to still love and desire, you are willing to throw your marriage and your family away, self sacrificing yourself to have sex with a much younger woman who has a disability and needs a man to lead a fufilling life. You hero.

What a rubbish statement. No, not every 50 year old man would fuck a 30 year old if they could. Not all men want to fuck women that are their daughters age. Not all men are pigs. Stop putting all men in the same lowly class. There are decent men in the world.

Always amazes me these men with crushes automatically assume the woman is interested back.

This!! FFS. You’re getting much more polite answers to your conundrum on here than you deserve OP.

I can’t help but think that anything ‘nice’ you do with your wife, like ‘dates’, weekends away etc always have the end goal of sex, for you.

Try just doing these nice things with your wife over a prolonged time because you WANT to, not as a means to sex. Put the work in to re-ignite a spark; it takes more than dinner and wine once in a while.

You’ve got a teenage crush on a younger woman. This almost certainly will end badly. You’ve already planned your life together and have no idea that she feels the same! She probably doesn’t and you’ll end up coming across as sleazy at best and reported for sexual harassment at worst.

I just read it as self indulgent nonsense.

You both have similar life expectancy due to her disability?? my goodness, you must be a match made in heaven. 😬😬😬.

Seriously, you want to be a carer for a disabled woman and have sex with her?! What is wrong with you?

Abusive, power dynamic, that's your attraction???

Get some counselling.

Yes, totally this. I was about to type pretty much the same.

It is always interesting to note on these sorts of threads what good self esteem the men generally have; “I am active, fit and healthy” why wouldn’t a woman twenty years younger than me want me to help them live their life?

In other words, the cause of the marital difficulties and/or lack of sex is never them?

Op when you say, “I live in London and go out most weekends” and “you meet all sorts of people” what is your wife doing?

Have you tried talking to your wife seriously instead of posting here?

Have you suggested going away together and and being affectionate with her without any expectation of sex? Many long term married men have two modes; they either never even look at, or touch their wives affectionately, or even talk to her much, or they go straight to sex. It doesn’t feel great from the wife’s pov,

Oh get over yourself , They all would fuck a 30 year old if they found them attractive & it doesn’t mean they are pigs ! !

Not worth arguing about really given the vanishingly few hot 30 year olds who'd ever offer the average 55 year old man the opportunity. The OP here is making a set of assumptions, that this younger woman who has been friendly to him sees him as anything more than a 'safe' old married man (we can be surprisingly naive about these things, under estimating their arrogance and thinking they couldn't possibly imagine we'd want them in that way, so they must just be a friend) and that her disability somehow reduces her value, so that she will appreciate a man other women wouldn't look at. I'd like to think that while many men would be interested in a hot younger woman, fewer would be so arrogant and offensive.

I love how the men never have a burning desire to help and save a 75 year old (in this case disabled) woman.

You’re right , not worth arguing over 😊..
I went off topic , I was just saying single 50 year old wouldn’t say no to a hot 30 year old 🤷🏻‍♀️, it was in response to a statement a diff pp said a while back ..

I'm your age and a bloke OP, and i'm cringing like fuck at this. The way you talk to, and about women, for a man of your age is clumsy. It's quite subtle, and i think you're just trying to be kind of jovial, but your creeping me out a bit. I'd advise reading a lot of mumsnet threads, understand what is actually important to women at different stages of their lives, and you'll realise there are things you (and me!) say that to you are innocent comments, but they show a superiority, and grandiosity that proper gets womens backs up.

You need to be humble, and invest in your wife, not from a perspective of solving her/your problems, but simply as her mate. Have dates, make her laugh her head off, forget sex, find a way to make life fun and close again. It's likely if you do that, you'll be able to get your marriage back on track, and love every minute of it.

Yes. In all of these threads the themes are the same.

It’s so obvious but so many men don’t get it.

In a long term marriage, unless there is some sort of medical issue, the lack of sex is very often not about sex. It’s often about the emotional and practical relationship between the two people involved.

There is nothing more likely to make a female partner clam up sexually then if she doesn’t feel safe, respected, or supported, or she suspects that her other half is lusting over someone else.

@FigTreeInEurope indeed- my H seems to forget that a whole day of moaning about work colleagues, road rage, saying stuff like ‘get a move on you stupid cow’ about a female driver, and assorted other moaning stuff really doesn’t exactly make you feel like any sexual contact at all - it’s not as if we want sleazy ‘ooh baby you are amazing ‘ stuff either- many of us would settle for more calm , consistent and pleasant companionship beyond a certain age

We’re all victims to biology. Many 50 year old women lose interest in sex. It’s because they can’t reproduce anymore, the menopause etc. 50, 60 year old men however can still reproduce, and they often “fall in love” with someone younger who can still reproduce. We are at the mercy of our genes. Of course you can go down that path, but you know what you will be giving up - you said your wife is the nicest person you ever met. Or you can choose otherwise and create a different future for yourself, one that does not follow the laws of biology.

Both of the women in your story deserve better than you.
Your wife by your own admission is the nicest person you have met so doesn’t deserve to be treated the way you are planning to treat her in your head.
And a much younger woman who sounds like she has her own life challenges doesn’t deserve to be lumbered with an aging mid-life crisis man heading towards his senior years.

I suggest you spend your time learning how to be the nicest man your wife and adult children have ever met. They are worth your energy, your deluded fantasies are not.

Agree.

OP is disgusting. Does not deserve his wife and family.

Two words for you
"Self control"
I think it is a normal part of life to sometimes have feelings for a different person to your spouse. It isn't because of lack of sex particularly and I think it will happen, probably more than once to everyone, although I guess a mismatch of libido can lead to it being more tempting to "entertain" thoughts and ideas of how a relationship with another person might be .

Remember you are not comparing like with like. You are comparing the reality of life with your wife with an imagined life with this other woman. In your imagination you can create everything that appeals to you with none of the downsides and difficulties that always come with a real relationship! Life with this other woman will not be how you imagine - it never can be!

Then I think it is a mistake to think that any one other person can meet all your needs. You are responsible for being in control of you own life and taking care of your physical spiritual and emotional needs. Your wife can't meet all your needs but neither will this other woman - thinking that is just fantasy.

So with all that in mind, maybe exercise some self control over your imagination. Literally dreaming about the other woman can't be helped not can feeling some emotional or physical "spark" or even arousal, but spending time actively daydreaming about it can be helped.

You made a lifetime commitment to your wife. Do you want to be the kind of person that discards this easily? Your wife deserves loyalty and respect. It may be that you do end up separating down the line but do you want to be a person that breaks a commitment for something that right now is an erotic fantasy.

Having said all of that, of course sex is an important part of a marriage and you need to address this at some point.

I'd not start off with talking to your wife about this though. I'd start by reminding yourself about why you married her, what qualities did/does she have that you appreciate. In what ways did she meet some of your needs ( bearing in mind no one person can meet all of them) and what needs does she meet now. What do you love about her. Spend time really just appreciating her without necessarily raising any issues with her.

This will mean that hopefully when you do start to talk to her about issues in the relationship, you will come from a place of genuine love and appreciation rather than " I want us to be closer so that I can have more sex" which would be a massive turn off for most women.

When you do start to talk about it, spend lots of time listening and trying to understand your wife's point of view. What is she feeling and why?
Don't necessarily rush to fix anything. Sometimes it is helpful to just sit with difficulties and differences for a while. Sometimes just hearing the other person and accepting the differences creates its own intimacy.

I don't know why you haven't had sex in so long and why your wife seems not to want it. As you discuss with her you will hopefully find this out. See what you can do to help her both practically and emotionally, not because you want more sex but because you love her and want good things for her.

It may be that down the line you and your wife decide to end your relationship but do this with the mutual consideration and respect it deserves.

Then and only then, once you have spent some time as a single person, aware of your own needs, strengths, weaknesses and processes, think about starting a relationship with someone else

tl:dr
grass.greener. Spend time really appreciating what you have. Your grass might be greener than you think and the greenness of the more distant grass might be illusory!

Bloody hell I’m the same age . Is that really how people my age are viewed ? Struggling already as lost my d dad 3 months ago so already feeling very old and very very tired just didn’t realise that it isn’t just how I feel atm but how others genuinely perceive people my age

I would not worry about ur age, I am even older at 58 and don’t feel like a coffin dodger or whatever it was, you know how these threads go, the OP called them ‘the mumsnet mafia’ which I have to concede gave me a chuckle, but sadly many commenters pile in without reason and respect & they don’t even realise what they are saying, ‘for those without sin cast the first stone’, nobody is perfect but many act like they are, ridiculous. Anyway the rumour is most of us get old and me and you we made it so we can be thankful for that and enjoy our days in peace. Sorry to hear about your dad, I know how you feel best of luck to you.

@Zomnambulist I’m 63 - I’m not particularly wrinkly -work in a funky industry and don’t think I’m perceived that way - so we can’t presume OP will be either - he may be a bit of a silver fox for all we know and if he’s got a bob or two it’s amazing how attractive 50 something men suddenly can be to younger women - having said that , this may well all be in his head and he needs to get a grip if he values his wife

@MrGGthanks for highlighting how little it takes for a man to seriously contemplate having an affair &/or leaving his DW of 25yrs & DC. 2 years of no sex. Wow.

I’m simply saying pp that a 30 year old woman & 50 years ago old man , doesn’t make the man a dirty old man ! !
I’m sure there are plenty of nice couples out there 30 & 50 🤷🏻‍♀️..