Married 25 Years no sex.

[MrGG]

Help. Male age 55 here. So I been married 25 years (Anniversary just recently). We both work & have 2 beautiful daughters both doing amazing and living away , ages 20/22. We don’t have any intimate life anymore, about 2 years agowe was very active sexually and then one day, whoosh it just stopped, she isn’t having an affair or anything life that, fyi she is 50 and fit, attractive and I call her the nicest person I ever met, she is kind, note: we never argue. Now by accident and without planning I have met someone through work (that is probably ever only going to be a friend), she is intelligent, engaging and we have totally clicked, she is in her 30s and we dont see each other for 2 months at a time due to what jobs we do, but stupid me, I am developing feelings for her of the intimate kind in my head, I literally dreamed of her again last night, is that because my life is so stale ? I don’t want to lose my family, be a cheat etc etc but I can see that my life is far from perfect & I am still active, fit and healthy and have a lot to give in many ways, I am conscious life creeps up quickly and I don’t want to be living my last decades stale, as I am sure my wife doesn’t too. I am at a loss. Any advice welcome. More info / I live in London and go out most weekends and meet all sorts of people, never do I get feelings of this kind for someone else, this woman is special, she is disabled albeit an unnoticeable but very serious condition, I imagine me helping her lead a fulfilling life that she deserves (at any cost to me). Thanks to you for reading this messed up message 😬 Pleas be kind but helpful. Respect.

Another dirty old man 🙄

They are daughters. I agree with your input. I think I was having a mid life crisis I knew the mums would sort me out ! Appreciate the time you took to post . Thank you

It’s not about that in any way and fyi there are ‘dirty old women’ too , watch the news.

“The mums”
”Mumsnet mafia”

OP, are we - as a collective mass of homogeneous women - meant to be fawning over your whiplash inducing u turn?

Eh?!

whatever makes you feel better. People will still look at you and think “dirty old man”.

What does your wife say when you talk about your lack of sex life?

Have you tried weekends away, doing new fun activities together etc to see if that helps?

When you did have sex was it good for her, I have a couple of friends who avoid sex with their husbands because they always want it in certain positions and aren’t up for any variety and are inconsiderate in bed?

Be honest are you over your wife now and really want to be the younger woman?

This is a really honest and brave post. Just because you aren’t supposed to feel a certain way doesn’t stop you feeling it.
Oscar Wilde I think it was that quipped that there are two tragedies in this life: the first is not getting what we want and the second is getting it.
Your fantasies - as that’s fundamentally what they are would almost certainly not match the reality of life with this younger lady who may not even be interested. You should read Alain De Bottain’s book Essays in Love. Charts well the trajectory of a romantic arc. Illustrates how foolish you’d be to take such a leap.
That said there is no fool like an old fool. If you insist in going down this road whatever the cost you MUST be honest with your Wife and split with her first before you even contemplate anything else. After all these years that is the very basic respect and courtesy she deserves.
Personally I think you’d be mad to do it but every man has a brain until they fall in lust.
Part of aging is acceptance. We all wish things had worked out different in some areas and you show great insight in recognising that your urge to be this younger woman’s knight with shining zimmer frame as it were does point to something lacking in you and your current relationship.
It’s not about settling, or not living our best life. It’s about being mature and putting all that energy into improving things with your life partner or at least trying first.
Instead of taking a new woman out, looking after her why not try dating your Wife instead? Tell her you want to start appreciating her more and make the most of your later years. That you’ve decided you both need your time together again to be quality and as such you have a few adventures planned. That could lead to a renewed and deeper connection if approached sincerely and done well. If that doesn’t reignite the flame then you will know you really have tried all you can including for your grown up DC.
Until then, could you look yourself in the mirror and feel like you have tried absolutely everything to make it work with your Wife? You took a vow to forsake all others, or was that vow with a caveat… until we are a bit stale and my ego needs a boost!?

It feels like you’re romanticising her disability in order to justify what you want to do. Which is pretty icky and I think would likely unnerve this woman 20 years your junior.

Also, genuine question, can you hear how it sounds when you say you’d like to support her at ‘any cost’ to you when that cost would literally be your family’s wellbeing?

‘At any cost’ actually means ‘no matter how it would impact my daughters’ and my wife’s mental health’.

Doesn’t it make you feel disappointed in yourself and worried about your moral compass that you typed that when you were being honest?

I think this too, I think there is a bit of wanting to be a hero going on.

Do you think this woman feels the same way about you?

Basically yes - OP needs other women to do the emotional labour of deciding how he should treat two other women.

OP clearly you miss your wife, it would be good to get some couples therapy.

The lady from work is a daydream but dreams can be dangerous, and thoughts like you describe can escalate into full blown infatuation that can seriously damage or wreck your marriage. Ditch these thoughts/ ideas, it will do no good and only cause harm. Think about your wife and how much it would hurt her and affect her trust in you at a time when you need to be working on your relationship and ways to nurture intimacy.

This can't possibly be a real poster. Nobody is this deluded, thick, or selfish.

On the off-chance that it is real, I hope your wife sees this and leaves you.

Your wife at her age is likely to be going through the menopause, which could possibly be making her feel rubbish in a range of ways.
All the words you use to describe the new lady, engaging, intelligent were also your wife or you wouldn't have got together, but she is probably struggling with physical and mental changes. This can include lack of get up and go, fatigue, stress, anxiety, isolation, a loss of libido and many other things.
When I started perimenopause it was like someone had flipped a switch on my libido and just turned it off. Luckily for me hrt helped and my husband educated himself on what I was going through. Please speak to you wife and find out what she is dealing with.

Not sure your 30 something interest would be so interested in a bored married 55 year old man. Tackle the issues in your marriage. Talk to your wife. If she has unilaterally decided your sex life as a couple has ended then make a decision to leave or stay on that.

If you are willing to dump your wife of 25 years because the menopause means that she has lost her libido then I’m not sure that you are the type who is actually going to be happy to be all self sacrificing for your new woman’s disability once the novelty has worn off.

I always get miffed when couples haven’t had sex for a few years yet don’t bring it up - it’s the elephant in the room.

Also it’s almost impressive witnessing the arrogance of a man in his mid 50s to be hand wringing about wrecking his own marriage for a 30 something woman as if the choice is his to make as if she would obviously go for it and it’s only his excellent morals standing in the way.

That he can save her when she would probably be completely creeped out that a married man 20 years her senior who she is nice to at work is obsessing over shagging and saving her. And even using her disability to romanticise what would be a completely run of the mill, tale as old as time affair.

Do 50 year old men really trawl through mumsnet and use the phrase give my head a wobble? 🤔

You sound vile. Fancying a woman 10 years older than your children. I bet they’d be disgusted with what you’re saying about their mother. If you’re not happy, then fine leave. But stop trying to justify your unwanted fantasy about a totally unrequited lust. I’m glad you’re not my dad. Eurgh

Plus she’s 30, she’s not going to want some wrinkly coffin dodger. Get a grip man.

Yes

OP , if you think or imagine that even one woman on this is going to say , “ Go for it “
Well then 😂…
Look , your sex life is non existent, you have needs like everyone else & you’re after getting your head turned by a 30 year old , fun ,attractive woman..
However, you love your wife , ye get on well as you’ve said , you’re attracted to her still but ye are after hitting a stump ..
Wouldn’t throw away what you have for a crush though ..
Talk to your wife , communication is key ..
2 grown up daughters, surely all of this is worth giving it your all before throwing the towel in ..

I mean this in the most gentle way, but piss off. Why go onto a board that is predominantly women and talk about falling for someone else because you can’t get a shag.

I think you want to set off the morons who will say it her fault for not having sex with you because they think trad wives are the goal. And also the ones who think every male is an incel that must be taken down.

but instead you are just annoying everyone. Off you pop

I have a debilitating illness which will greatly shorten my life expectancy. If any man 20 years older than me thought it was okay to creep around me because he thought we would die about the same time I would tell him to fuck off. Drop the fucking savior complex. This whole things is gross. You could be her father. Your wife deserves better than you!