Was it an emotional affair?

[OpenPeachMaker]

Married almost 15 years, together 25, 2 kids.

looking for some perspective, good relationship for most of our married life, he has been a great father, great husband and we have worked great as a team over the years. Never had any doubt about his loyalty or love for us.

things changed last year when I felt he had checked out of family life somewhat. He had received a job offer which he was really unsure about taking. He dithered for weeks over this new job but barely spoke to me about it just replied ‘I don’t know yet’ when I asked if he had decided to take it or not. I had no issue with him turning down the job but would have liked to be part of the conversation. I then found out he had been messaging a current female colleague over his doubts and thought process and ultimately decided to stay in current job. I asked to read the messages between them and he let me. I was hours reading them, one day I counted over 80 messages between them but in fact there was another day 150 messages were exchanged between them. All seemingly innocent, nothing untoward but she would send him pics of herself and her cats and dogs which he would give the love heart emoji too and he would send pics of our dog. They would exchange likes and dislikes, movie suggestions, book recommendations, follow up to see what they thought of them. They would discuss issues at work and share work gossip. It was a slow build up of a few messages here and there over 12-18 months until it got to the level it got to. He would also buy her chocolate or treats and leave as a surprise for her if she had helped him out with something in work, she would message to say thank you.

understandably I have taken this very badly. It’s a reflection on our relationship that he has given this much time and effort to another (much younger single) woman.

he has apologised and said it was too much but that at the time he didn’t see that and doesn’t see it as an emotional affair. He can’t understand why I keep bringing it up and feels it should be dealt with.

I’m struggling to get past this. I need to understand why? But we are 8 months down the line and the hurt is still there, he still works with her and still in contact but tells me not to the same extent. He says she’s his ‘best friend’ and he needed someone to talk to about it. I don’t understand why I couldn’t be the one he talks too.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Emotional affair is worse I believe then Sexual. I have experienced both.
Sex is just that. Sex..
But emotional affair. It's a high level of intimacy without the physical. It scares the shit out of me. Hence being single.
Your braver then me. ,😘

So what do you want to do? Most women would struggle with this, so it comes down to does he stay or does he go. What do you want to happen?

This is how my ExH’s affair began. It was horrible and very nearly destroyed me. Definitely an emotional affair

Ultimately I want it to never have happened. But that’s not gonna happen. I want to get passed it and move on but I’m struggling. I suppose being 8 months down the line I’m wondering am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill and it’s really not that bad, was/is it just a friendship?

Imagine you had a male friend who was your preferred contact to talk over life changing decisions, messaged more than any other friend, and you were thoughtful enough to leave little surprise treats for etc.

Would you consider you to be 'just friends' or would you think you had feelings?

I might have missed it but are they still 'friends'?

I'm sorry this happened to you. Something very similar happened to me. DH was messaging a female colleague, confiding in her, buying her little treats etc. Like you, there was nothing overly untoward in the messages, but it went beyond normal friendship. He travels a lot for work (not with her) and she would be the first person he would message etc whereas I would barely hear from him.

I found out after it had been going on for only three months and I was devastated. I absolutely do consider it to be an emotional affair. Mainly because he was prioritising sharing his thoughts and feelings with her over me.

However, once I found out, he did immediately accept fault and took steps to repair our marriage. This included individual counselling for him and marriage counselling for both of us.

Unfortunately, I think unless your DH is willing to do the same, you will never be able to move past it. At the moment, it doesn't sound like he is remorseful or willing to make the effort to repair the damage.

You should consider reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. And so should he.

Sorry i don’t know how to reply to individual messages.

yea, still friends, still messaging but I’m told not to the same extent!

@EveryFlavourJellyBeans thanks for taking the time to reply. You hit the nail on the head, definitely prioritising sharing with her over me. She has been the first person he would message if he was away too.

I thought as he willingly let me read their interaction that maybe I was blowing it out of proportion or more so hoping I was.

we talk a lot more about it but I seem to be bringing it up a lot because the response I’m getting is not enough to make me get over it. He is not willing to go to counselling as ‘it’s not his thing’

I would have thought if you think this is an inappropriate relationship you should have the courage to say enough, all the messages need to stop and he needs to step up as a husband and father.

If he is unwilling to end it, that tells you where you are in his life and it then becomes down to you what you do about it. It's your relationship . . .

An emotional affair is exactly what you’re describing in my view. I’m sorry this has happened OP. He has let someone into his emotional life in an excessive way. 150 messages to anyone in a day is a bit mad I feel, unless you are a teenager with nothing else to do? He has apologised but appears to continue to upset you and minimise it. He should cut all contact with her unless it is legitimate work stuff or you are not going to be able to move on. Essentially he should be doing all in his power to help you to feel ok and he isn’t.

@PrincessofWells

I do feel it’s inappropriate, he doesn’t. I felt I didn’t want to say he has to stop contact altogether especially if he views it as a friendship. I’ve never been insecure or jealous (until now) and didn’t want to tell him who he can have as friends and be the controlling wife. I suppose I was just hoping he would love me enough to put me first and cease contact outside of work when he knows it’s hurt me so much.

@Sevenamcoffee thank you for your reply. I do feel he should be doing everything in his power to make it ok but he isn’t. I feel he thinks I’m expecting too much.

All your replies are very helpful. I haven’t spoken to anyone but him
about it at all. Have looked up counselling for me just to understand my own feelings but haven’t been brave enough to book it. I’ve even been thinking peri menopause has me thinking this is more than it is because honestly this new version of me is so different to what I was 8 months ago.

I think that’s the very definition of an emotional affair, sorry.

Did he ever speak about you?

In his defence, I can understand how it happens, especially if the person is lonely and doesn’t have many friends (I’ll be crucified here for saying that).

I’d be able to forgive it if he stopped contact and showed genuine remorse

@LetsWatchTheFlowersGrow
oh I can understand how it happens but I think if you respect and love your other half enough you should recognise when it starts to cross a line and stop. He prob was lonely. He has plenty of life long friends though and I’ve never been emotionally neglectful, always there, caring and willing to talk anytime. Our physical relationship did slide for a while but we have two kids and busy jobs, I expected that was the norm.

I think I could have forgiven too but a lot of time has passed and not a lot has changed.

For all intents and purposes, he is putting his energy into “dating” her with regular check-ins, ❤️ emojis, and going straight to her (ie, “saw this and thought of you”) rather than into you; his wife.

Behaviour is a language. Refusing to cut contact with a woman he’s effectively “dating” is a message. Refusing marriage counselling is a message. Minimising and telling you to “get over it”, without putting a stop to the “dating” is a message. Turning down a job offer, to remain in daily proximity to her, is a message.

If it were me, I'd definitely be asking him to stop contact. Then see how he reacts to that, because it'll probably be a good indication as to how deep he is into their relationship.

That’s not an emotional affair

Funny how it's always younger single women eh? I bet he doesn't have similar chats and heart emoji's with any guys? I also bet he wouldn't like it if you were messaging a man?

I think you are massively under reacting, tbh. I'd scare the shit out of him and tell him your marriage is over. Even if you don't mean it. Start looking on Rightmove for flats for him. If he says you're being unreasonable, remind him that he speaks to her more than you, and he's openly admitted she is his best friend not you. Say you deserve more.

Honestly, all this passive sitting by will get you nowhere. It isn't is it? Find your anger. Honestly, he's taking the absolute piss and so is she.

@EveryFlavourJellyBeans have you been able to ‘forgive and forget’? And is the relationship the same?

Ah sorry your going though this OP. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about it.

However in my case my husband did admit it was an EA. It happened mainly during covid, but the signs were there before. She was a colleague. Contact has stopped between them.

He put her before me. I remember having an operation, unable to use my arm. He was contracted to wfh, and could have following my surgery but went out of his way to work in the office. Now I know why!

And I my case it's been 4 years. I can't forgive and forget. DS is a teen, will be gone when he finishes school.

We get on 'ok'. I definitely don't feel the same way about him anymore.

I guess its the respect that has gone. I understand how it had happened, we weren't in the best of places. I had lost a parent suddenly and my priorities shifted.

@OpenPeachMaker

I understand why you are feeling hurt. But at the same time - I also understand your H.
Would you feel the same if his work friend were male - and your H spent the same amount of time communicating and discussing his life/job choices with him?

I think the trouble you are having with this is that your expectation that your H should fulfil all his human interactions needs - friendship, emotional, communication, companionship, romantic, etc - with just one person (you).

And personally - I think its unrealistic and stifling. And over the course of long marriage - it can lead to a really lonely and insular place. At least for the partner who does not have it as his natural preference.

So - no. I do not think your H had an affair of any sort. And I do think that how you feel about it is your own issue to deal with. And it’s unfair to ask your H to drop a friendship he developed. I don’t think it’s wrong to have a non-sexual human connection to another person, while being in a relationship. It is not a threat to a marriage.

Have you even met the colleague? Personally - i’d have invited her over to your place so that you can meet her. If it were a male work friend - you’d do that, no?

@MMmomDD
i definately don’t feel he should fulfil all his human interaction needs with me and I’ve no problem with him discussing prospective job changes with a colleague, it’s the amount of messages back and forth and the fact he wasn’t talking to me about it too! If it was a male colleague he wouldn’t have been so ‘chatty’ and buying chocolates and ❤his pictures. He communicates very differently with her than other colleagues.

Forgive? Yes. But as I said, he put the work in to make that happen. Including a request to change his job responsibilities so he was no longer directly working with her. He now only had minimal contact with her, when required for work.

In some ways, the relationship is better. Because the whole thing forced us to look at the issues we had been avoiding for years. We communicate better. We don't avoid difficult conversations.

But I'll never forget. It has been two years and whilst I don't dwell on it day to day, sometimes a memory will hit and it still hurts.

But this is exactly the point, though.
For whatever reason - he didn’t want to be discussing his work choice dilemma with you. And that choice is his and is perfectly reasonable.

Your preference that ‘he discusses it with you’ does not take priority over his preference.

Your reaction over it is my issue here. You take it as some sort of rejection of you and are trying to guilt him over it.
While in reality - he may have his own reasons, not relating to you/your relationship for wanting to make his choice in the way he prefers.

I think people should be able to have some autonomy and personal space in a relationship, that is respected by their partners.

I get that the sheer number of messages is what worries you and what made you insecure. To me, though, its less an indication of his unfaithfulness, and more something to do with his personality. Probably bit depressive, pedantic or just lost in self waffling reflection that found an audience.

Nothing in his behaviour screams like he is doing something suspicious. It all just looks normal for a long marriage, middle age, life drudgery that set in.
Your reaction is also a bit representative on peri- - but I am only guessing here.

However - there is no reason to blow up your life over it all.