Was it an emotional affair?

[OpenPeachMaker]

Married almost 15 years, together 25, 2 kids.

looking for some perspective, good relationship for most of our married life, he has been a great father, great husband and we have worked great as a team over the years. Never had any doubt about his loyalty or love for us.

things changed last year when I felt he had checked out of family life somewhat. He had received a job offer which he was really unsure about taking. He dithered for weeks over this new job but barely spoke to me about it just replied ‘I don’t know yet’ when I asked if he had decided to take it or not. I had no issue with him turning down the job but would have liked to be part of the conversation. I then found out he had been messaging a current female colleague over his doubts and thought process and ultimately decided to stay in current job. I asked to read the messages between them and he let me. I was hours reading them, one day I counted over 80 messages between them but in fact there was another day 150 messages were exchanged between them. All seemingly innocent, nothing untoward but she would send him pics of herself and her cats and dogs which he would give the love heart emoji too and he would send pics of our dog. They would exchange likes and dislikes, movie suggestions, book recommendations, follow up to see what they thought of them. They would discuss issues at work and share work gossip. It was a slow build up of a few messages here and there over 12-18 months until it got to the level it got to. He would also buy her chocolate or treats and leave as a surprise for her if she had helped him out with something in work, she would message to say thank you.

understandably I have taken this very badly. It’s a reflection on our relationship that he has given this much time and effort to another (much younger single) woman.

he has apologised and said it was too much but that at the time he didn’t see that and doesn’t see it as an emotional affair. He can’t understand why I keep bringing it up and feels it should be dealt with.

I’m struggling to get past this. I need to understand why? But we are 8 months down the line and the hurt is still there, he still works with her and still in contact but tells me not to the same extent. He says she’s his ‘best friend’ and he needed someone to talk to about it. I don’t understand why I couldn’t be the one he talks too.

But what about the secrecy? Why would he not say anything about his new friendship? And surely a married person wants to share stuff with their partner above anyone else? They are partners after all?

I agree with you to a certain extent that of course he can have friends and share what he likes with them but it sounds like this was all kept hidden from his wife. Why would that be?

I do sort of get this point, but I don’t know if I fully agree with it- there are definitely some things that I’ve spoken more with other people about than my husband. For example if debating over staying or leaving a job, a colleague or manager has a lot more to contribute practically to that than my husband, he doesn’t work with me or know the ins & outs like a colleague of mine would.

Secrecy, I suppose is a question. Is it a secret? Do you tell your husband about every message you send to every person every day? Personally, I don’t. And when asked, he did hand over the messages, he hasn’t tried to delete or hide them, he let OP read through them.

I don’t show my DH every text message.

Neither am I texting a single male work colleague 150 TIMES PER DAY.

I'm a similar time frame on from something very similar. She depends/ed on him emotionally far too much for me to feel comfortable. I expressed this to him multiple times but the messages, calls etc continued. He eventually put in some boundaries with her but never saw that the constant messaging, going to her house, meeting her parents, going out for breakfast daily etc were a problem.
I've not really been able to get passed it tbh, I've felt a betrayal because he was emotionally available to her and not to me. On the surface things seem innocent but I would describe it as an emotional affair.
I don't have any answers but I'm so sorry you're going through it.

@MMmomDD i do agree with a lot of your points. I suppose on reading their interactions from start to finish, (with his full permission) the messages started to get more frequent before the whole job change issue and I suppose to me they read like he was building a relationship and then the whole back and forth over the job was just intense.
yes I do take it as some rejection but don’t feel I’m trying to guilt him
over it.
I feel if he was open to counselling all this would be behind us now, we could have ironed out the issues that led to this.
Thank you for your honest response, I was looking for other’s perspective and to see dig a bit deeper to see what it all means and you have given me food for thought.
I suspect I am peri, prob would not have had this reaction years ago, never been suspicious or an over thinker but find I’m analysing everything!

This.

I don’t show my partner all my text messages but if I was carrying on a back and forth every day, sending 100s of messages … there might be a reason to keep it secret as I KNOW it’s inappropriate. That’s why he kept it hidden.

@Dobbysdad thank you for your response, it’s just a head f**k. I don’t know how to feel or how to react.

@DuckyLuck i mean the time and effort in that level of back and forth is crazy. I message work colleagues, consider some friends but sometimes I’d be hard set to have the time to reply!

He’s still working with and messaging her?! And doesn’t accept it was wrong, won’t attend counselling, or end the relationship with OW.

If the EA wasn’t enough for you to end the relationship, why isn’t his ongoing relationship with OW enough reason?

@Dozer I suppose because he says it’s just a friendship and I’ve been wondering if I’m the one making it an issue. I always thought I would be strong enough to walk away in a situation like this and believe me I do feel like a complete mug at times.

He has the time to message the OW because he prioritises making time for her.

@CowTown exactly… it goes deeper than just messages to another woman/colleague. He prioritised contact with her over me and the kids and it bloody hurts.

I wouldn’t like it.

So rather than taking responsibility he said and still says ‘nothing to see here’ and is gaslighting you. Expecting you to ‘swallow the shit sandwich’ while he continues his relationship with the OW.

IMO your best chance of salvaging the relationship is to separate, due to his infidelity, take control, and see what you then think after some time apart and what he does.

Posters on here used to recommend Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

He is still choosing her over you by carrying on this relationship outside of work. If you are that uncomfortable about the friendship he should be taking your feelings seriously and he isn't. She is more important than you. That should tell you everything you need to know.

Oh hell no, don't fall into the cool wife trap OP, you don't have to be ok with this.
On the same lines as you can't tell him who he can and can't be freinds with, he can't tell you what you should and shouldn't feel comfortable with regarding single female work freinds of his.

Don't be gaslit by him and posters on here telling you you've got the issue, you're not comfortable with what's gone/is going on and that's that. Your feelings should be considered and if he wishes to dismiss them then that's a pretty poor show from a loving husband

That needs to stop immediately.

all well and good But - I bet she doesn’t look like a Troll?
These female friends are never grey hair , middle age , frumpy ladies are they?
Just saying….

@OpenPeachMaker

How old are you? I think a lot of people commenting, saying that you should explode your life over it are probably in their 30s and don't have a perspective of a long relationship.
I find that after mid-40s I became a bit more selfish, and in need of paying attention to my own self - as separate from my relationship.

So - like some other people on this thread - I can understand why your H wanted a bit of autonomy on how to decide on his job/career move. In addition - many people do not want to bring work life back to home, especially when things are stressful at work. Compartmentalising helps with managing stress and leaving work stuff at work/with work people.

Personally - I don't see why you think that "he prioritised contact with her over me and the kids".... Did he drop his home responsibilities? Did he skip on engagements he should have been in? Did he somehow failed to do what he was supposed to do as a parent or a partner?
You said in one of your messages that you were not trying to "guilt" him - but you do. You are suggesting that because he spent time talking to another person - he somehow deprived you and the children from something. And that is absolutely, guilting him.

Other posters point out that because his listening ear was a younger female - that is automatically cheating, and you need to leave him over it. Why? Because he is automatically preferring to be with her over you? Or will in the future? Do you see anything in those messages suggesting their conversation was turning into anything other than what the subject matter was?
Or was exchange of pets' pictures leading to sexting?

You can of course use this as a reason to explode your relationship. Personally, I'd think it's very silly to do that with a husband you have had many good years with, and who hasn't really don't anything particularly wrong. And who wants to stay in the relationship.

BUT - I do think your relationship needs a tune up, as many long relationships become stale and need a shake-up and a bit of checking in and taking stock of where you are. Would you both be open to couple's counselling?

“He would also buy her chocolate or treats and leave as a surprise for her if she had helped him out with something in work, she would message to say thank you.”

Thus jumped out at me. He was thinking about her and choosing presents (in secret). How many times did you get chocolates for doing nice things? How many times as he brought Garry from Accounts chocolates, for sorting out an invoice? How many other people does he message that frequently?

Headspace, compliments, messages, gifts etc which should be directed at you are being directed at this other person. No wonder you’r hurt.

Why can't people read the OPs posts properly?
OP has said he isn't open to her suggestion of couples counselling as it " wasn't his thing" regardless of it helping his relationship with his Wife.
I presume OP is struggling precisely because he has not given any thoughts or recognition that messaging a woman at work over 150 times a day is inappropriate in most marriages.
The fact he is unwilling to see her point of view and is dismissive of her concerns is actually the real problem.
And as he is still apparently carrying on this messaging I presume there is a bit of the " how dare the nagging wife tell me who I can message" thought process coming from him.
My first boyfriend, many years ago started a confidential/close friendship with a girl at work and I was, over time, firmly being put in the uncool/nag/boring home person zone.
He maybe getting a very big ego stroke from being "understood" so well by this woman at work and that can be very addictive behaviour.

@Sashya I’m early 40’s, he is mid 40’s. I don’t feel I am guilting him, I’ve tried to make him understand my hurt. I think he did deprive us, important days birthdays, anniversaries etc, stuck on phone messaging back and forth. His own bday texting her saying he had a terrible bday. He was working that day (as was I) but myself and kids had a cake, gift etc for when he got home. This wasn’t mentioned at all in his message to her. Other examples of this but the job one I referenced was the one that took over most of his time and I probably could have let the rest slide but for the 150 messages back and forth in one day. Of course he neglected us to have time for that!

Thing is, you say it’s been 8 months but it’s not, it’s ongoing - they are likely just more careful with how they communicate.
youre still in the thick of it and having to be okay with it as he’s so unwilling to change.

This is your problem here OP.
He is not acknowledging you are hurt by his behaviour.
It's impossible to move on from it because he behaves and is presumably still behaving like giving time to connect with another woman through messaging 150 times in one day is perfectly normal behaviour! It's utter gaslighting because it's not normal or okay for YOU and YOUR marriage and he is choosing to ignore that.
I still think he is getting some ego boost from this and that is dangerous territory for a marriage.

So there are three people in your marriage OP: you, your H and his OW.

I don't understand why you are being so passive about his continuing emotional affair.

I would be so angry at the situation I would rather tell him the marriage is over rather than be in a three way relationship.