Married almost 15 years, together 25, 2 kids.
looking for some perspective, good relationship for most of our married life, he has been a great father, great husband and we have worked great as a team over the years. Never had any doubt about his loyalty or love for us.
things changed last year when I felt he had checked out of family life somewhat. He had received a job offer which he was really unsure about taking. He dithered for weeks over this new job but barely spoke to me about it just replied ‘I don’t know yet’ when I asked if he had decided to take it or not. I had no issue with him turning down the job but would have liked to be part of the conversation. I then found out he had been messaging a current female colleague over his doubts and thought process and ultimately decided to stay in current job. I asked to read the messages between them and he let me. I was hours reading them, one day I counted over 80 messages between them but in fact there was another day 150 messages were exchanged between them. All seemingly innocent, nothing untoward but she would send him pics of herself and her cats and dogs which he would give the love heart emoji too and he would send pics of our dog. They would exchange likes and dislikes, movie suggestions, book recommendations, follow up to see what they thought of them. They would discuss issues at work and share work gossip. It was a slow build up of a few messages here and there over 12-18 months until it got to the level it got to. He would also buy her chocolate or treats and leave as a surprise for her if she had helped him out with something in work, she would message to say thank you.
understandably I have taken this very badly. It’s a reflection on our relationship that he has given this much time and effort to another (much younger single) woman.
he has apologised and said it was too much but that at the time he didn’t see that and doesn’t see it as an emotional affair. He can’t understand why I keep bringing it up and feels it should be dealt with.
I’m struggling to get past this. I need to understand why? But we are 8 months down the line and the hurt is still there, he still works with her and still in contact but tells me not to the same extent. He says she’s his ‘best friend’ and he needed someone to talk to about it. I don’t understand why I couldn’t be the one he talks too.