Was it an emotional affair?

[OpenPeachMaker]

Married almost 15 years, together 25, 2 kids.

looking for some perspective, good relationship for most of our married life, he has been a great father, great husband and we have worked great as a team over the years. Never had any doubt about his loyalty or love for us.

things changed last year when I felt he had checked out of family life somewhat. He had received a job offer which he was really unsure about taking. He dithered for weeks over this new job but barely spoke to me about it just replied ‘I don’t know yet’ when I asked if he had decided to take it or not. I had no issue with him turning down the job but would have liked to be part of the conversation. I then found out he had been messaging a current female colleague over his doubts and thought process and ultimately decided to stay in current job. I asked to read the messages between them and he let me. I was hours reading them, one day I counted over 80 messages between them but in fact there was another day 150 messages were exchanged between them. All seemingly innocent, nothing untoward but she would send him pics of herself and her cats and dogs which he would give the love heart emoji too and he would send pics of our dog. They would exchange likes and dislikes, movie suggestions, book recommendations, follow up to see what they thought of them. They would discuss issues at work and share work gossip. It was a slow build up of a few messages here and there over 12-18 months until it got to the level it got to. He would also buy her chocolate or treats and leave as a surprise for her if she had helped him out with something in work, she would message to say thank you.

understandably I have taken this very badly. It’s a reflection on our relationship that he has given this much time and effort to another (much younger single) woman.

he has apologised and said it was too much but that at the time he didn’t see that and doesn’t see it as an emotional affair. He can’t understand why I keep bringing it up and feels it should be dealt with.

I’m struggling to get past this. I need to understand why? But we are 8 months down the line and the hurt is still there, he still works with her and still in contact but tells me not to the same extent. He says she’s his ‘best friend’ and he needed someone to talk to about it. I don’t understand why I couldn’t be the one he talks too.

He doesn’t want to see there’s a problem
a) Because he he has some form of attachment to her and doesn’t want to lose it,
b) because he feels guilty about how it has affected you, so if he doesn’t talk about it he doesn’t have to confront that issue. Each conversation makes him feel bad, which is one reason he closes you down.

You need to ask him if he would be happy with you contacting the another man in the same way. His answer might show you if you really do have an issue.
You can tell him that he needs reduce contact - and let you see it has reduced to essential only- if he still values your relationship. Will he do that?
The real other question is, what do you want? Would you be prepared to lose your relationship? Put up with situation to maintain your relationship? Only you can decide that.
One thing for sure - your relationship will never be the same again. You are the only one who can decide if there’s still something worth keeping. The grass isn’t always greener, despite what some people say.
Either way - Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Never! Just adjust to a new normal. If he’s willing to change. Good luck.

He knows he's done wrong so downplaying it.

I'm not sure what to say other than time is a good healer.

@OpenPeachMaker - making someone "understand your hurt" is the definition of guilting them. As in - you did X - I am now hurting. You are responsible for hurting me.

I think this thread is going on in circles. You feel hurt, you feel this was a betrayal and wish it didn't happen. Unfortunately, it did. And he does not agree with your view that it was a betrayal. He sees your reaction as irrational and unwarranted. Hence - you are where you are.

You will find countless people on MN who will agree with your - this was an emotional affair - and will tell you that you deserve better, and LTB....

And maybe this is what you should do.

If you want to stay in the relationship - you need to find a way think about it all differently. And - maybe figure out a way to re-set your relationship.
And - when I said that you may want to consider "couples' counselling" - it was NOT so that you can revisit why had an emotional affair. (because I don't actually believe he did). I was suggesting you two go and talk about the future of your relationship and how you see the next 20 years - as you are getting older, and have been together for a very long time. And if he isn't ready - you can start counselling by yourself.

But there is no future if you are stuck in thinking that these 150 messages are more important that the years you have spent together. Maybe it's better saving yourself years of resentment and unhappiness - and you will be better off to pull the plug on the relationship now.

I'm furious on your behalf, OP, that he's continuing in this emotional affair and that he's trying to make you the problem for not being totally cool with him having an emotional affair. 150 messages in a day?? Little gifts? Does he do this for any other friends? If she's such a good pal then he'll be happy to have her over for dinner with you both, presumably?

You're not being over sensitive, it's not peri to blame. He's massively taking the piss. And it's very, very likely that this will become a physical affair and he'll try to blame you for driving him into her arms with your "nagging". He needs to be ending this "friendship" and putting you and his family first. Stand your ground, OP. Trust your gut.

I'm curious about what would count as an emotional affair for you, if not this man's behaviour? Genuine question, because to me this is exactly what an emotional affair looks like!

150 messages a day? There is no easy way to say it but i think he is in love with her.

And how can you be sure it has not turned physical? I still can't get over 150 messages a day. He is gaslighting you because he doesn't want to give up the "friendship" because he can't. And what kind of woman sends a married man 150 messages a day? An OW

Do you feel that him being able to still see her daily at work could have been an influential factor in him remaining in his current job?

I don’t even exchange that many messages in a day with my closet friend;it’s way too many.

He’s investing far too much time and energy in her.

If a man was messaging another man 150 times a day, sending heart emoji then absolutely I would think there are feelings involved (and assume he was bi). That has 💯 gone beyond friendship.

I’ve not actually seen many folk in this thread saying ltb. They are saying he needs to cut contact as much as possible and stop gaslighting the op. I’m in my fifties and am saying this as someone who has been cheated on in a 30 year relationship when this kind of emotional relationship slipped into something sexual ultimately. We have now reconciled but (a big but) my dh did take full responsibility and has completely cut contact. At no point has he made me feel as if I was being unreasonable or demanding. We did also have counselling.

I think that ops husband may well start a physical relationship if he hasn’t already or at least this is the risk. To believe otherwise I think is very naive. As pp have pointed out it’s the amount of headspace he has given this ow which is not a normal friendship. He has been emotionally available for someone else but not for her.

I’ve even been thinking peri menopause has me thinking this is more than it is…

@OpenPeachMaker, please don’t dupe yourself. This is absolutely an Emotional Affair. Dr. Shirley Glass has examined your H and OW’s dynamic in her excellent book, Not Just Friends. You both need to read it.

H opened a window to OW and boundaries blurred as he invested more and more of his time and emotional energy in her. The over-frequent contact, confiding, deepening familiarity, life chat, photos with hearts, gifts — they have behaved like a couple and built a connection based on their shared emotional intimacy, validation and reliance. Their ramped up focus on each other indicates a mutual spark. This is not a platonic friendship.

It is very significant that he created distance between you and checked out of family life to make space for OW as his new go-to person and primary emotional relationship. As long as they are still in contact, the affair continues.

In my view you are under-reacting, @OpenPeachMaker. You have every right to set boundaries and voice what you won’t tolerate in your relationship and to state what ramifications will occur if things don’t change.

You are still in a danger zone and are being marginalized. It will be impossible to move forward while H refuses to acknowledge his EA or show remorse by making huge efforts to restore your trust and help you heal. [By the way, he doesn’t get to dictate your recovery schedule.]

You will never regain your equilibrium and peace of mind until he cuts contact with OW, changes jobs, and examines his disloyal behavior in counseling. You should also have open access to his phone.

As it stands, @OpenPeachMaker, you would be very foolish to trust him. I would be sending him elsewhere while I weighed my options.

I would class this as very much an emotional affair. It may not have crossed into anything more but it could. 150 messages in one day is not normal to anyone, particularly when you are in your 40’s.

If he was asked a question.

If you were single, would you like to go on a date with Miss X? I bet the honest answer would be yes.

For him to be doing this, it says to me that he feels there is something missing in his life and your relationship.

This situation requires counselling I would say. He needs to respect your boundaries and you probably both need to do some work on your marriage to get it to a place where he would come to you first rather than someone else.

I think sometimes we just assume all is well in a marriage but often it isn’t.

The reason you keep bringing it up and are still hurt by it is because he hasn't taken any accountability for having an emotional affair.

Of course he doesn't want to do that and will brush it off and gaslight you that you're the problem.
Of course he will tell you it was nothing, definitely absolutely not an affair of any kind because admitting it would mean consequences and he knows that.

I don't think you're going to have peace until your hurt and pain is acknowledged by him and paid for by him in some way. I'm not talking about revenge, but at the moment it must feel like he's gotten away with an affair without even being sorry about how it's affected you.

Not only has he gotten away with it but it is still ongoing. He gets to keep his wife and have his side piece. This is a slippery slope for OP...

This whole situation is being rug-swept, which is a death blow to a marriage that it meant to be in recovery. You both need individual counselling and couples counselling. He is not entitled to ignore how his actions have made him a completely unsafe partner to you (not when he wants to remain in the marriage) and he needs to do the work in becoming safe again.

If he’s not willing to do the above, and meaningfully, I’m afraid it’s the end, OP.

It’s an emotional affair because he is investing Emotion into it. Buying presents, texting frequently, using headspace on her, etc. . It’s as if it’s an addiction he can’t let go off.

Sometimes I think for men, it comes down to this.

Sex = affair
No sex = platonic, so no lines crossed

(although admittedly, until mn, I hadn’t heard of the concept of an emotional affair)

Attend a session at Relate together. He will very quickly be told ot was an emotional affair.

Plus, Relate will help him and you understand why he felt the need to invest in such a close female relationship outside of his marriage

Men seem to struggle with understanfing emotional infidelity.

You won't get over it while he's still minimising what he did and not taking responsibility. There's no hope until that happens.

How on Earth do you even send 150?messages in a day

I mean what the heck what were they saying ? I’ve just had my toast?

I probably did when I was in the process of falling for my husband. We used to message all the time. It's limerance/infatuation.

100% emotional affair.

If you let him gaslight you on this, I’m really sorry to say you will be signing up for a three-way relationship.

Don’t start playing the pick me pick me game draw hardline under this you are not being unreasonable.

If he wants to stay with you, he needs to be with you 100%.

If he wants to continue with this emotional affair, then he can leave and do it from a safe distance. He is being completely unreasonable because he wants to have both.
I’m very sorry he’s done this to you.

I think counselling is a good idea. What could you ask of him to make him step back into family life, and perhaps recognise he has stepped out of it? Perhaps you do a family day out, get there, and say you run with this, I am going to take some time on my own, enough time to send 150 messages to someone who matters more than my family. I understand that should not be a problem and I’ll let you know if I’ve taken a new job.

It is 100% an emotional affair. But at the moment it kind of doesn't matter whether he recognises it or not. What matters is that he knows this 'friendship' is hurting his wife and harming his marriage. That alone should be enough for him to knock it on the head. Sadly he's showing very clearly that he does care about the harm being done.

It has just dawned on me that his work colleague may be the main reason he turned down a new job. If so, the situation is dire.

@SpaghettiHettie I think that’s the crux in these situations. I found out a long time after it happened as my H wrote songs and poems about her and I found them stuffed away many years later. We are still married and get on fine, but it kind of snuffed out the candle of specialness and certainly knocked out the 100% trust