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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH Mid Life Crisis

106 replies

MyLittleNest · 12/04/2025 15:36

It's become increasingly clear to me that DH is having a mid-life crisis as he approaches 50. It started about a year ago, with daily (sometimes twice daily) trips to the gym seven days a week and cabinets filled with endless supplements. He bought an entire new wardrobe and is now dressing better than he ever has in his life, despite me hinting at wishing he would dress better many times over the years. He spends more time in the bathroom than a teenage girl. Easily 45 minutes to an hour primping and trying to cover his growing bald spot.

All of this has been annoying, however now it has escalated to him being irritable, short-tempered with everyone in the house, making mean comments about my appearance (which has honestly improved in recent years as I've had more time and money to take better care of myself, and I am younger than him) while bragging about his own, and acting very fatalistic about the future.

Our relationship has its share of issues, but now he keeps saying that he made a big mistake marrying me, yet when I tell him to leave then, he goes silent. He has always been the type who can't laugh at himself and is very defensive, so having a sit down to discuss this would not be productive. He has never been one to admit any fault but now he's taken his ego to a level of almost acting like he's better than everyone else. He frequently remarks that he looks like he is 35, which is obviously not true at all, or that no one believes his age at work. Again...no. I sit quietly through all of these comments. A while back, he bumped into an old friend who recently got divorced and DH constantly says that this friend probably has "tons of girls" wanting him. It's hard not to burst out laughing every time I hear this remark. No offense to this friend, but no. Just no.

I do not see any indication of an affair, for those who may suggest this. DH has always been very complacent, hates change, and quite a loner/not social and none of that has changed. We took a recent vacation which only seemed to add to his bad mood as it's been hell since our return.

I don't know if this is normal or a phase or if I've just reached my limit. We are obviously not in a good place so I am not going to stroke his ego to make him feel better himself, especially when he's acting like he is God's gift. I am just dreading the actual birthday!!!!

OP posts:
WaryHiker · 12/04/2025 15:40

Cherchez la femme!

Orangesinthebag · 12/04/2025 15:41

Prepare yourself.
There is either another woman or he wants to find another woman in the near future.
This sounds so much like "The Script".

Lots of us have been there.
I would say it's time for you to take stock and just consider how you would survive without him.

If you need to make changes to make that work then make those changes now. Just in case...

DaughterNo2 · 12/04/2025 15:42

It’s not a mid life crisis. He is gas lighting you and as above comment, find the other woman

rumred · 12/04/2025 15:44

He sounds insufferable. Just imagine how good your life would be without such a twerp pissing on your chips regularly

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/04/2025 15:44

Start making plans to live away from this person.

TheSlantedOwl · 12/04/2025 15:49

He’s cheating, it’s very very probable.

Kwikx · 12/04/2025 15:49

honestly don’t know about another woman, but he sounds unbearable. Can you focus on your own life and interests for a bit?

Gettingbysomehow · 12/04/2025 15:51

My own husband was exactly like this before he left, for someone else.

ShouldIEvenBother · 12/04/2025 15:53

I'm sorry your husband is an insufferable prick, OP. Many, many of us have been there and had to deal with some brand of idiot (amongst other things, a favourite of my ex-husband would be to get stoned off his face 7 days a week and claim he had the knowledge and wherewithal to become a spiritual advisor, I kid you not) - we do understand the toll it takes; take heed of what the previous posters have said re another woman. If extracurricular is what they're looking for they always find a way. At the very least it sounds like he is hoping to find this, if he hasn't already. They believe it is their right to have women beating down their doors, and the delusions run deep. They think this is an achievable dream.

Our one life - it's short. What do you want for your future? What does happiness, peace and contentment look like for you? Whatever it is, it's not this and he shows zero signs of acknowledgement of his appalling behaviour or a willingness to change. However you proceed OP, put your interests first. He clearly isn't going to think of how his behaviour affects you, you're going to need to do this and take steps accordingly.

Life will be so much fucking nicer without this dead weight.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/04/2025 15:57

He may or may not be having an affair yet but the point is that he WANTS to. The mad fucker has got it in his head he is better than you, deserves better than you and is now negging you.

he’s a total arsehole, leave.

Gliblet · 12/04/2025 15:58

A friend of mine got divorced recently. Her exH was so unpleasant to her in the run up to the divorce, constantly making comments about how much of a mistake he'd made marrying her. I think he had some sort of 'sunlit uplands' vision of a future as a desirable man batting off hordes of younger women. The reality is she's now happier and more content without him and so has lost weight and looks amazing and is starting to date again, while he's single, living with his parents, and making comments about them maybe giving things a try again in the future. Took her quite a long time to stop laughing at that one...

Whether he's open to discussing his behaviour and feelings or not, its completely reasonable for you to make it clear when his actions and comments are upsetting, rude, or otherwise not what you need or should be able to expect from your spouse. It's very hard to argue with a calm, matter of fact "I don't know if you realise this but when you (criticise my appearance/snap at the kids/reply to everything with sarcasm) it's deeply unattractive and makes you extremely unpleasant to live with. You wouldn't like being treated like that so don't do it to us".

TheBossOfMe · 12/04/2025 15:59

My guess is he’s having an affair or at least an emotional affair with someone at work who is the one telling him that he looks a lot younger and she can’t believe his age.

MyLittleNest · 12/04/2025 15:59

Yes, I just try to avoid him as much as possible.

I definitely understand all the people who say that he's cheating but honestly, I don't see how he has the opportunity or who would actually want him. He also doesn't seem to actually want to leave, even when I've called his bluff and told him to.

Completely agree with the gas lighting comments. Of course, when he gets like this, he accuses me of gas lighting him! Classic.

OP posts:
ShouldIEvenBother · 12/04/2025 16:07

MyLittleNest · 12/04/2025 15:59

Yes, I just try to avoid him as much as possible.

I definitely understand all the people who say that he's cheating but honestly, I don't see how he has the opportunity or who would actually want him. He also doesn't seem to actually want to leave, even when I've called his bluff and told him to.

Completely agree with the gas lighting comments. Of course, when he gets like this, he accuses me of gas lighting him! Classic.

You mention he doesn't like change - hence his reluctance to leave I'd imagine, because this would be a huge upheaval... and for men, living with a woman comes with so many benefits. Do you think that it's a case of him taking advantage of the security and benefits that living with you brings him, yet he also feels he could be doing so much better and having a trail of women after him living the life of quite a bachelor if it wasn't for the fact he was married? What a twit.

Ultimately though OP, what do you want? He might not want to leave - but if you want him to leave, or you want to be the one to leave then I think this is your starting point really. I don't think this can be about what he wants, can it? It's not as if he's making any steps to change. You'll go on like this forever more if you don't take action.

Todaytodaytodaytoday · 12/04/2025 16:11

If his mood has changed drastically - you said it has escalated - it couldn’t be steroids could it? Some guys get into them when they start going to the gym.

stayathomer · 12/04/2025 16:13

If he’s not cheating you do need to sit down and talk. You say he won’t as he gets defensive- everyone gets defensive when approached with this stuff op, he’ll have home truths for you, you’ll have some for him, you’ll both think you’re right and won’t believe the other can think that. How were you before this? Do you love him? Dh was like that losing weight too, he started calling coke sugar water and making faces when I took out junk food. Everyone I spoke to is in the same boat. Saying he could have done better etc is awful though. Best of luck

80s · 12/04/2025 16:22

I don't see how he has the opportunity or who would actually want him
You'd be amazed. Does he have a responsible role at work, which might make it useful to be his mistress? Giving people job interviews, that sort of thing?

Not that it makes a huge difference in the end. If he's making your life unpleasant and won't do anything to improve things or offer you any means of improving things, then you don't have many choices.

CheekySnake · 12/04/2025 16:35

MyLittleNest · 12/04/2025 15:59

Yes, I just try to avoid him as much as possible.

I definitely understand all the people who say that he's cheating but honestly, I don't see how he has the opportunity or who would actually want him. He also doesn't seem to actually want to leave, even when I've called his bluff and told him to.

Completely agree with the gas lighting comments. Of course, when he gets like this, he accuses me of gas lighting him! Classic.

An affair may not be actively in play right now but he's either looking or he's met someone he thinks may be willing. As soon as he's sure, he'll jump ship.

Regardless of that - is this someone you want to spend another 30 years sharing a house with? That's the important thing now. Might be time to start getting things in order.

Askmehowiknow2021 · 12/04/2025 16:39

Oh, I’ve been there! The increased exercise, the buying of fucking moisturiser and serums, the weird fixation with his clothes? And his bald spot 🤦‍♀️
Alongside which, I also became the devil incarnate who didn’t “understand him” which frankly was and is hilarious, because I know that fecker better than he knows himself.
And yes, he was absolutely crossing the line at that time. Not having a full blown affair, but doing things that were totally out of order. I caught him and blew that shit up. It was honestly liked he’d had a head injury. But when he woke up? He was beyond embarrassed and humiliated that he had behaved like such a massive cunt (his words).
Have a dig around op. You will find it, because these idiots are never as clever as they think.

outerspacepotato · 12/04/2025 16:40

Get your life in order preparing to live single. He is getting ready to leave.
Job. Have a deposit ready and scope out a place to live. See a lawyer to find out what you're entitled to in a divorce.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 12/04/2025 16:40

I would seriously look into it.

Unfortunately, not seeing how he’d have time changes nothing. They find the time.

Orangesinthebag · 12/04/2025 16:43

MyLittleNest · 12/04/2025 15:59

Yes, I just try to avoid him as much as possible.

I definitely understand all the people who say that he's cheating but honestly, I don't see how he has the opportunity or who would actually want him. He also doesn't seem to actually want to leave, even when I've called his bluff and told him to.

Completely agree with the gas lighting comments. Of course, when he gets like this, he accuses me of gas lighting him! Classic.

You would be surprised at how people who want to cheat find the time!

But he may be just wanting to find someone & hasn't yet, hence why he doesn't want to leave just yet.

The negative comments towards you & the fussing over his appearance are definite signs of him having his eye elsewhere.

But, whatever, he sounds awful & actually it's you who could do better. So whether there is another woman or not, consider leaving this marriage.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 12/04/2025 16:46

Divorce amongst men is quite contagious at that age. All of a sudden they think that someone they know is getting to sow his oats and relive his youth.

I've watched divorce spread like wildfire through family and friend groups once one of the men start the trend.

Typically all this egotistical preening begins first, next they will belittle you and then lastly make you out as a villain o everyone who will listen so they can excuse their eventual departure.

Many wait until they are one foot in the bed of the next woman before leaving yours. They are complacent and like the convenience of a woman on tap.

Sulu17 · 12/04/2025 16:47

Don't get caught on the back foot, OP. Consult a solicitor so that you understand your financial situation and have some plans in place, for just incase...

Pigeonqueen · 12/04/2025 16:49

I would put money on him fancying someone at the gym. Suggest joining yourself and going with him and I bet his face will drop.