DH Mid Life Crisis

[MyLittleNest]

It's become increasingly clear to me that DH is having a mid-life crisis as he approaches 50. It started about a year ago, with daily (sometimes twice daily) trips to the gym seven days a week and cabinets filled with endless supplements. He bought an entire new wardrobe and is now dressing better than he ever has in his life, despite me hinting at wishing he would dress better many times over the years. He spends more time in the bathroom than a teenage girl. Easily 45 minutes to an hour primping and trying to cover his growing bald spot.

All of this has been annoying, however now it has escalated to him being irritable, short-tempered with everyone in the house, making mean comments about my appearance (which has honestly improved in recent years as I've had more time and money to take better care of myself, and I am younger than him) while bragging about his own, and acting very fatalistic about the future.

Our relationship has its share of issues, but now he keeps saying that he made a big mistake marrying me, yet when I tell him to leave then, he goes silent. He has always been the type who can't laugh at himself and is very defensive, so having a sit down to discuss this would not be productive. He has never been one to admit any fault but now he's taken his ego to a level of almost acting like he's better than everyone else. He frequently remarks that he looks like he is 35, which is obviously not true at all, or that no one believes his age at work. Again...no. I sit quietly through all of these comments. A while back, he bumped into an old friend who recently got divorced and DH constantly says that this friend probably has "tons of girls" wanting him. It's hard not to burst out laughing every time I hear this remark. No offense to this friend, but no. Just no.

I do not see any indication of an affair, for those who may suggest this. DH has always been very complacent, hates change, and quite a loner/not social and none of that has changed. We took a recent vacation which only seemed to add to his bad mood as it's been hell since our return.

I don't know if this is normal or a phase or if I've just reached my limit. We are obviously not in a good place so I am not going to stroke his ego to make him feel better himself, especially when he's acting like he is God's gift. I am just dreading the actual birthday!!!!

What @Littleorangeflowers said I fully expect the OP to post in time that everyone was right and there is an OW.
I have had several friends go through similar also my brother was like this with his first wife. They have to convince themselves that they are right and justified in doing what they are doing!

I mean God almighty he sounds like an actual dickhead. Who is so desperate that they would have an affair with a vain middle aged man?
Op if he won't leave can you if you want?

There is definitely another woman on the scene. It could be someone from work or the gym. He isn't agreeing to leave or split up because a) you have suggested this and he wants the upper hand and b) his affair partner isn't ready to go public yet.

He sounds really dull and self-absorbed. Keep telling him his bald spot is getting bigger.

He's going to the gym seven days a week.

It's someone at the gym.

Not sure why you’re being so passive here. This man clearly isn’t interested in being in a relationship anymore and is actively pushing you away. I’d instigate a separation if I was you. Life’s too short for you both to be with someone who clearly isn’t what you want

This is exactly my experience. ^
And if he's worth keeping around he will make a massive effort to fix it.

This. My exh was besotted with a girl we knew, and was utterly foul to me. I had all the new clothes/running/convinced he was amazingly attractive to all women. And then telling me I wasn't good enough, that he'd leave etc etc, but he wouldn't actually go.

When I left him, he was stunned. But I'm absolutely 100% convinced he'd have dumped me on the spot if she'd agreed to leave her husband.

It wasn't a full blown affair, and we all knew about it (because he told me, and she kept him dangling for years), but the behaviour was exactly the same.

This shouts "other woman"

Also, you say he doesn't have time but he is "going to the gym" every day, sometimes twice a day.
I would suggest you are thinking of joining the same gym. I expect his reaction will tell you a lot

I'm his age and I see it alot in other blokes (in terms of new wardrobe/realisation that life is seriously short etc etc) but there's no justification for the way he's treating you. There won't be loads of girls out there for him a(as you know) but what sort of comment is that (to you)? Pretty poor imo. He actually sounds a bit desperate. Is he depressed (difficult to bring up). There's something underlying all this. I don't think he's having an affair (and you don't suspect it which backs that up - you'd know you know?). Is his work OK? Recent close deaths in his family? (sorry to ask). But there's something going on. It might mean you drift apart because of this actually but it'll be on your terms not his.

This. End of. If he doesn't have another woman he will soon. Be on the alert.

he keeps saying that he made a big mistake marrying me

This crosses a line in such a big way.

But OP- he 'goes to the gym ' every day, sometimes twice, and you don't think he he has the opportunity to have an affair?

Men won't leave unless they have someone to go to. So I believe you when you say he isn't having an affair yet but he definitely, 100% is trying to. You'll know when he's been successful because he'll actually leave when you call his bluff and ask him go. Don't give him the satisfaction; tell him to leave.

Hmm this reminds me of my ex husband, starting to run every day, changing all his clothes, changing his food, criticising everything I did, even to how I crossed the road. He'd never been an arse until then. Soon after he left me for a 'friend' of his.

with daily (sometimes twice daily) trips to the gym seven days a week

There is the timeslots he's having an affair.

Classic script is caring about appearance, buying new clothes (to impress new girl), picking fights (to justify being away from you), running the wife's appearance down etc. That is the classic cheating script.

Please do this! Go further and book a free session to "see if you like it" (not) see what excuses he comes up with. 😊
On another note my lovely deceased BIL was a complete grumpy arse for years at that age. Eventually came back to normal. Was not preening though.

All the signs are there, OP. Regardless if an affair has actually happened, he is at best being emotionally abusive and you shouldn’t have to put up with this behaviour. My ex was frighteningly similar to what you have described when he was having an affair - he was also taking testosterone as a supplement (eurgh) which he panned off as needing for the gym but he was contributing to his anger. The preening, hair cuts, new clothes, oh and new pants were all definitely signs. Should have known instantly when he bought new pants. In our fifteen years together, I have never ever known him to buy new underwear, then I was deep in post partum and he was buying new boxers. 🙈

.....a big mistake marrying me, yet when I tell him to leave then....

Why havent you kicked him out before he leaves on his own accord? He said he made a big mistake marrying you? So hurtful and nasty. I think you need to start loving yourself more. Everything gets better once you start putting yourself FIRST.

@DaringcAT the new pants for you too! It's either tragic or hilarious

Is he socially a little bit awkward and is there any chance that he has a massive crush on someone at the gym who is not noticing him while he parades himself around like a show pony in front of them waiting to be noticed?

The 'not being noticed' makes them short tempered and angry. Limerance is a hard thing to fight and I wouldn't even bother. Whatever the cause is, he's being a pain to live with and unpleasant to you. Is it worth asking him to move out and live elsewhere for a while? A short sharp shock and having to do all his own housework might show him what he could be throwing away.

How depressing that so many men lack emotional maturity. I understand life dissatisfaction at a certain age but to leave for someone else is just madness.

Op, I agree with everyone else. It's likely to be someone else has got his interest and he wants you to end the marriage.

The "I shouldn't have married you" is a pretty poor show in all honesty. I'm sure we all think it at times.......But to actually say it aloud, is just bang out of order imo.

Whether he's ill or not - that says to me you should seriously consider finishing it, if only for your own self-worth.

Even without a woman on the horizon, he sounds awful.

@DaringcAT ahh the new pants trick.. it’s a dead giveaway! 😏 I also found testosterone tablets!! Must be part of the script..

This started 2 years before exh wanted “different things” of course the grass wasn’t greener and he was miffed I not only moved on but found a far better model! Years later all is good and he has a lovely partner but it was tough for our dc to see him struggling, definitely mental health was a major factor in our split with him struggling with aging

OP I know this is Mumsnet and ‘cheating!’ gets screamed if a bloke so much as spends five minutes too long in his shed with a lawnmower, however….
He’s not spritzing himself up to look nice for you, or his mum, or the dog….I’m another one who thinks if he isn’t cheating he’s absolutely considering it.
My husband was very early fifties when he suddenly discovered trendy stuff at TKMaxx (laughable taste) and buying his own clothes. He was never, ever bothered about clothes shopping and would rather stick pins in his eyes than go out to do that. Suddenly he was out buying new stuff (for men twenty years younger than him, I won’t begin to describe the sunglasses he bought himself, even the kids though it was funny at the time) and got a new job in a new city and had an affair with a woman nearly twenty years his junior within a month of getting there.
He can’t believe what a total, complete and utterly selfish knob he was. Wasted thousands of pounds and tore us apart after 35 years together for ultimately nothing. He even admitted he did it because she made him feel like James Bond, complete fantasy reinvention. Pathetic. Even his OW asked him if she was his midlife crisis because deep down even she knew one when she saw one.
I’d have preferred a set of golf clubs or inappropriate sports car to have showed up, but the reality is that she was no more than that really.
Men should come with a warning for midlife, the “Is this it?” / “I’m turning into my Dad!” / “I’m going bald!” / moments cause panic to the fragile male ego akin to the panic I feel lately when I go to the fridge and the mini eggs have all gone.
Sorry to make light of this, but I would seriously watch what’s really going on, it’s far from funny when the daft sunglasses and stupid too-young-for-him clothes translate into your life upending, believe me.
Men can be monumentally selfish and stupid and let their self-esteem go to places the rest of their bodies really need to catch up with. Don’t be fooled, don’t let his stupid PeterPan crisis turn into your heartbreak. It’s agony.