DH Mid Life Crisis

[MyLittleNest]

It's become increasingly clear to me that DH is having a mid-life crisis as he approaches 50. It started about a year ago, with daily (sometimes twice daily) trips to the gym seven days a week and cabinets filled with endless supplements. He bought an entire new wardrobe and is now dressing better than he ever has in his life, despite me hinting at wishing he would dress better many times over the years. He spends more time in the bathroom than a teenage girl. Easily 45 minutes to an hour primping and trying to cover his growing bald spot.

All of this has been annoying, however now it has escalated to him being irritable, short-tempered with everyone in the house, making mean comments about my appearance (which has honestly improved in recent years as I've had more time and money to take better care of myself, and I am younger than him) while bragging about his own, and acting very fatalistic about the future.

Our relationship has its share of issues, but now he keeps saying that he made a big mistake marrying me, yet when I tell him to leave then, he goes silent. He has always been the type who can't laugh at himself and is very defensive, so having a sit down to discuss this would not be productive. He has never been one to admit any fault but now he's taken his ego to a level of almost acting like he's better than everyone else. He frequently remarks that he looks like he is 35, which is obviously not true at all, or that no one believes his age at work. Again...no. I sit quietly through all of these comments. A while back, he bumped into an old friend who recently got divorced and DH constantly says that this friend probably has "tons of girls" wanting him. It's hard not to burst out laughing every time I hear this remark. No offense to this friend, but no. Just no.

I do not see any indication of an affair, for those who may suggest this. DH has always been very complacent, hates change, and quite a loner/not social and none of that has changed. We took a recent vacation which only seemed to add to his bad mood as it's been hell since our return.

I don't know if this is normal or a phase or if I've just reached my limit. We are obviously not in a good place so I am not going to stroke his ego to make him feel better himself, especially when he's acting like he is God's gift. I am just dreading the actual birthday!!!!

Sorry OP, I’d put money on him fucking someone else. He’s in stage where it’s crossed over the line already. The contempt and rewriting history. He’s unlikely to be at the gym every time he claims. Please be smart and get yourself prepared.

I must have seen several thread this year who said

“He’s not cheating. I don't see how he has the opportunity”.

He almost certainly is. Do you even know he’s at the gym when he says he goes ??

Also - he is saying these horrible things so that you end things without him looking like the bad guy.

I was thinking the same, sadly. Very, very often, it's "he wouldn't have the time/he's not like that/he hates cheaters/..." and almost always, they are actually cheating and do definitely find the time. What is often a common trait is the negative way these men start talking to/about their partner. The complete character assassination, the either "I'm better than you" or the "everything in my life is shit because of you" narrative.
😥

I should add that my twat of husband had absolutely no intention of leaving me, ever. She was an “ego boost” for a sad, insecure man but he would never have had an actual relationship with her. The fact that she was old enough not be my (and his!) mother, was objectively totally unattractive and not a nice person to boot, is a reflection of how fucked up he really was at the time. Like you op, it crossed my mind, but I dismissed her as an option because she was….well, old, ugly, awful and an acquaintance of mine. It took me precisely 11 weeks to figure it out. You will too.

I said the same about my ex not having another relship. He was obviously biding his time until he was ready financially. He then announced the split and had a new partner waiting in the wings.

If my dh told me he made a mistake by marrying me I’d go and pack him a bag and tell him to sling his hook. This alone would be relationship ending for me, let alone the other shitty remarks

I say this kindly. If you really think this that no one will want him then you shouldn't still be with him.

Someone will want him and is either there or will soon be.

Also - he is saying these horrible things so that you end things without him looking like the bad guy

This 100%

I definitely understand all the people who say that he's cheating but honestly, I don't see how he has the opportunity or who would actually want him. He also doesn't seem to actually want to leave, even when I've called his bluff and told him to

I said exactly the same thing... 🤷🏻‍♀️

And I still don't understand what she sees in him! She's younger, more attractive, intelligent, financially independent... and yet, they are still together nearly 13 years on.

He has become almost a compete recluse, is bitter, arrogant, debt ridden and without friends. And, yet, she is still with him.

This.
I disagree about PP saying he must be having an affair - many of us men get to a ‘shit, I’m getting old’ stage and suddenly try to get fitter, care about our appearance, usually meaning we’re shutting the stable door 25 years after the horse has bolted.
So far, so normal… The issue is just that he’s now so convinced about his utter desirability he’s being a complete narcissist dick.

The script

the script

the script.

(it happened to me. All the same signs as you)

Whilst I don't believe my ex actually cheated, he very quickly got in a relationship with someone at work who'd also recently become single. He was so nasty the last 12 months and I think he was pushing me to make the decision to split so he could walk away the good guy. Every time I pointed out how much he'd changed he would say he'd been enlightened and didn't want to go back to the old him (think conspiracy rabbit hole) and that we just had nothing in common anymore. 3 years post divorce and I am so much happier now. Oh and his new relationship didn't last !

I feel there is a deeper question here of the happiness generally of being with someone you can't sit down and talk properly with - a man who takes himself so seriously he can't laugh at himself etc. It sounds quite depressing.

Hmmmm, Ok....
But the way he is treating the OP and his twice daily trips to the gym are a bit more suspicious than "just caring about his appearance". Why does that have to involve berating the OP's looks?

I don't know if you're new here, but I have definitely seen sooo many threads like this where the wife says it can't be an affair and people like you come on to say it's probably just innocent then....a little while later .... the OP comes back to tell us that, lo and behold, there was/is another woman.

He might be - he might not. Just saying that him being a dick doesn’t necessarily mean he’s having an affair, and that the issue is more that he’s being a dick.

He’s just biding his time. OW might not be ready to leave her DH or there’s other issues holding him back.

In any case he sounds like an insufferable twerp. Aren’t you sick of him? Isn’t it about time he fucked off?

Agree with this

@rockingbird that really made me laugh.
My ex kept on buying new pants, I should have realised!

OP I'm so sorry this is happening. I used to read threads like this and think men aren't all the same, they can't be that predictable...of course, they are.

The Script is spot on. Mine had an affair with someone young enough to be his daughter, apparently it was my fault for making him so sad.

This is not a midlife crisis he's just being a a spiteful prick

Had his head turned

I haven’t been on here that long but have read at least 7 threads where someone’s husband suddenly is cold and nasty/ has changed/ not loving / hostile / away a lot / changes in appearances and she swears he doesn’t have time for an affair. And then she finds the other woman. So many times. I hate to think badly of a situation but you can call it. You really can

@StartingAgainFGS the new pants has rumbled ExH every time.. utter twat. I got the hole ridden crap and then every time he was cheating he bought new pants. Always fancy expensive ones that didn’t fit his fat aging body 🤣 I can laugh about it now..

@rockingbird I'm now mentally querying his previous pants updates when he DIDN'T own up to an affair shortly afterwards...I guess I'll never know! Probably for the best!
Wankers.

Ugh he sounds awful. Very similar story for me. Started during what should have been a really lovely week away with our families for his 40th, when he was moody, rude and distant. Then nine months of being irritable and snappy (while suddenly refusing takeaways and buying a lot of very expensive gym equipment for the garage). Then an out-of-the-blue declaration last March that he'd never loved me, never wanted to get married, never wanted to have children with me. I was floored. He spent six months insisting there was nobody else involved - lied point blank to me, to our therapist, to his family, to our best friends. I eventually found out (woman at the office ten years younger) and when I asked how long it had been going on for he said it was none of my business. This from a man who I've known for more than 20 years. It's brutal. Good luck OP.

One guy where I used to work, him and his affair partner, who also worked there, used to use locked training / exhibition rooms for their trysts. During work hours. There is someone, somewhere, you just can't see her yet