Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@VicksJunkie We had long conversations about this and decided he's still too young to retire. He will be 60 next year.

' I'm not thrilled about this set-up of course, but it is what it is.'

No.

it is not

it is what you are allowing it to be / choosing it to be.

so you are going to be financially supporting him and yourself for a whole year while he sets up a business.

very clever of him, I suspect he will try and claim maintenance from you in the event of a divorce.

@Strawberrina Wow, what have I just read 🤦🏼‍♀️ Someone else has said above that you are very niave and I’m afraid I agree. As you read your posts you can see the excuses you are making for him.

Your husband has had an affair behind your back. Rather than him prioristing you and doing anything he can to show he deeply regretted it, he didn’t apply for any other jobs, he told you he loved the other woman, he was physically intimate with the other woman AGAIN, he gas lighted you when you wanted to file a restraining order and now for some reason you will be the only working person whilst he “sets up a business” Jeez!

It is very apparent that you just want to bury your head and let him make a fool out of you, because you don’t want to upset your life, but this man does not love or respect you. Most men don’t leave their wife when they find out about an affair, what they do is stay in their security blanket (marriage), hope it dies down and then continue the affair. He’s already proved that as well as he went back to the other woman after you found out.

You seem to want to go down the path of ignorance is bliss and it’s your life so if you can turn a blind eye then ok! But … I predict more heart ache for you in the near future.

This is absolutely a fair view of things.

OP - you are essentially divorced and starting again. Your partner now has to go out of their way to regain your trust from zero and only you can decide if they are doing the necessary things. It is going to be very uncomfortable at times, especially for him, confronting what he had done. Listen frequently and to yourself and be ready to let go if he does not put in the hard work.

There are lots of resources for Betrayed (and Cheating) partners online such as Survivinginfidelity.com and Affairrecovery.com. If he is not actively engaging with these then he is just paying lip service and your self esteem will be further crushed. Only you can decide what the right path is but these resources can help you.

@Strawberrina wishing you all the best - I think very much like @Thewookiemustgo does and had a similar situation , my only difference was I found out a long time after it all happened- he doesn’t remotely deserve the chance in your case , but the choice is yours to offer , not other posters- -all I would say sadly is don’t be suprised if he jumps through hoops , but you never actually feel the same way romantically /sexually and it becomes more a marriage of convenience/companionship . Some are ok with that but I wouldn’t be suprised if after a year or so this is how you feel - as Wookie says it certainly smashes any pedestal .

So he's now going to have a year of being unemployed/ using family savings to start a new business / living off of your wages? 🤔 If I was cynical I'd think this was a deliberate attempt to syphon off money so that if you were to leave him (or he leaves you!) there is less family money left to split between you.

Please see a solicitor before he leaves his job and protect yourself. He clearly has no morals or loyalty to you, don't let him rob you as well!

So he had an affair and his penance if you like, is that you are supporting him through a period of unemployment while he sets up his own firm?

What the actual f** is wrong with you?

I can't be the only one thinking he's setting up a new business, which you're paying for. And once that's done, he's gonna employ the OW, and get a divorce

And because he's self employed your settlement will be less as he's technically earning less on paper and you won't be entitled to any of those business assets.

In the meantime your savings will be much reduced as those are being spent on setting up the new business.

Clever guy your STBExH.

@Strawberrina

Your words over the last year or so

'The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience.

the difficulty is that in our city his types of roles and with his salary are very few and far between.

yes, but then he will most likely lose his job? Which means we will only live on my salary. I'm not sure me reporting them to their boss would help our family.

It's not really a village where we live, it's a regional town of about 30k people.

On one hand, I, of course, would like him to return to work due to the salary he brings. If he doesn't return, he will be unemployed, we will be relying on my salary only, and new job isn't easy to find at his age (he is in the late 50s).

On reflection, there are no good options.
He leaves the job without another one lined up - we'll be relying on my income only, but may be able to save the marriage. He stays in the job - no loss of income but real risk things with the OW will start again. In a nutshell.
I'm also concerned that if he leaves current job, he will feel resentful towards me as I (in his mind) made him leave the job he likes and the OW which he admitted to me previously, he loves.
I, on the other hand, might start to feel resentful towards him as I will be the sole provider.

No, he didn't really look for a new job. In the town where we live, jobs aren't easy to find for someone with his level of experience and in the industry in which he works.

I didn't have an initial consultation with a solicitor.

there are no good options. If he leaves the job tomorrow, we have a chance of saving our marriage but will be relying on my income only and I will be the only breadwinner.

He has made very little effort to find another job indeed. He hasn't applied for any jobs. He could set up his own company, but he lacks the initiative and does not want the stress of being self-employed and working for himself. I guess, it's a lot easier when clients/customers just come to you.

he is a criminal lawyer

Not in our town, I doubt it.

He can get a job elsewhere, but this would require relocating. He has about 20 years of experience and is on a decent salary - I doubt that he will be able to find a similar job, seniority and pay-wise, in our small town.
Don't get me wrong, there are other law firms in our town. Not many, but there are a few other law firms. As far as I know, none are looking for a new senior criminal lawyer.

You are right, it does not hurt getting some legal advice to see where I stand.

He will not be returning to his job if he wants to stay married. He hasn't resigned yet as we are still overseas, but he will resign once we are back next month (January).

He intends to set up his own firm next year and officially start working in 2027. There are a lot of bureaucratic hoops to jump through when it comes to setting up one's own firm.

He won't be working next year, so I guess it's up to me to support us both. He plans to do renovation work on our house before he gets much older. He is in his late 50s now.

yeah, the only one working and bringing in money. I'm not thrilled about this set-up of course, but it is what it is.

and decided he's still too young to retire. He will be 60 next year.

You have given so many excuses reasons why he will not cannot find a new job.

What is the new business he is going to start up ?

If it's criminal law - is there a need for such ?

or are you going to relocate ?!!!

hence the renovation of your home - which I guess is being paid for out of joint savings
( good way of spending assets so there is little left in a divorce settlement )

Is he an experienced tradesman and can actually do this ' renovation ' to a good standard ?

at least if it is done to a good standard you will get more when the house is put up for sale in a divorce...

did you ever bother getting legal advice ?

Hi @CanOfMangoTango, he is NOT gonna employ the OW. That simply won't be happening, otherwise I will leave him.

In fairness (and I'm not making excuses for him), he did support me financially when I was a SAHM and wasn't working - in the beginning of our marriage.

You were a SAHM. You were working. You were starting a family? It isn’t the same scenario at all. You don’t owe him for that.

He has cheated on you. Betrayed you. Thrown a grenade into your lives. Shitty man.

He has really got you enmeshed, hasn’t he? Your standards for self care are pretty low.

I really don’t think you would ever leave him, no. Even if he did employ the ow.

This is awful. All these quotes from you, op, where the onus is all on you.

If he leave his job you have a chance of saving your marriage? Only if he leaves his job ? Because he loves and cannot resist the allure and wiles of the ow? He loves her?

He is definitely going to do it again. And blame you for it. Watch out.

@Strawberrina whilst I understand other posters scepticism I doubt the possibilities have not occurred to you. You know your husband, flaws and all. You know if his actions are lining up with his words. You have to make the choices that feel right to you with everything that you have seen and that you know.
There is a possibility for life together after infidelity. It doesn't look the same but its not necessarily worse.
Make sure you are protected financially, and as much as you can be emotionally but I'm truly rooting for you to be happy and that you get the outcome that you hope for.

@Strawberrina I’ve read a few selected posts and all of yours and I have to agree with pp’s that this is a very frustrating read.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’ve been on the receiving end of this too and it’s the worst thing that ever happened to me, including the loss of both of my parents so I very much sympathise.

I don’t know what actions your dh has taken to make this up to you, but I haven’t seen much mentioned in your updates. It took my dh a very long time, nearly a year, to fully come to terms with the hurt he had caused me and decide to get individual therapy to try and get to the bottom of his behaviour. I’m not one for making excuses, he behaved very badly, but there were many deep seated issues that he had never resolved in terms of his attachment style and coping mechanisms that he needed help to understand and resolve. I’m sure your dh is sorry, mine was, but it takes an awful lot to really accept the gravity of your actions and decide to do the work to try and put it right. I can’t see any evidence that your dh has done this as yet.

As for leaving his current employment, why has this taken so long? Surely he knows how hurtful his still seeing her is to you, And as a pp suggested, if it’s impossible for him to find an equivalent role in a different business what makes him think there is demand for him to set up alone?

You being a sahm is completely irrelevant. You were raising his dc at a time when your marriage was on stable footing. You supporting him after a huge betrayal when he should be the one putting things right is not the same thing. I am concerned by how passive and naive you seem to be, particularly given your career. I know it’s difficult but you aren’t dealing with the man you loved at this moment in time. You are dealing with a self-obsessed man, possibly in the depths of a mid-life crisis (which in itself is no laughing matter) who is likely blaming you for his failings and not taking any responsibility for what he has done.

@Thewookiemustgo had spoken a lot about actions and in my experience this is very true. Words are cheap, both to you and the ow. His actions will show you where his loyalties lie and at the minute your dh’s actions show that he is only thinking of himself and his needs, not what is best for you. My dh did this too in the early days, and unfortunately it was only when he realised that I was wise to his nonsense and only real, considered, consistent change was going to cut it did he actually start taking constructive action to better himself and take responsibility.

I really hope that this works out for you, more than you know, but based on the things you have said I do have reservations about how remorseful your dh actually is. Please take care of yourself and your interests as I’m not sure your dh will.

btw what will the new business be that your cheating husband is thinking of starting up ?

Law ?

Obiv being the clever man he is, he will have checked his employment contract for restrictive covenants...

Sorry to be harsh but He likely plans to have sorted his finances out to your detriment by then and will leave to be with her at that point. He doesn't love you. You don't do this to people you love. You are being weirdly wilful about not accepting what is clear to the rest of us. He has probably planned a big splashy trip with her.

Given your responses on this thread I can’t actually envisage a scenario in which you would leave him.

You are putting yourself in a financially vulnerable position. If you decide to divorce and he is not working , he will get a larger split of monies as both of you will need to be rehoused . As you are earning , you will be viewed as someone who is in a position to continue to provide for yourself , your earning potential is continuing so therefore you can take on extra debt. He will be seen as more vulnerable as his potential to earn has diminished so no chance of continuing to provide for himself.

In your eagerness to keep a hold of him you are limiting your options to make decisions.

He needs to find another job asap. Contribute to the finances and then you reassess your situation… I can tell you now you are going to be exhausted by being in high alert all the time , another unfortunate result the cheated end up taking on and in a years time you will have decided that living like this is too much .

I didn’t see this thread when it was originally posted but have read all the op’s updates.
I don’t think I’ve read a sadder relationship thread.
Op you are kidding yourself that your husband loves you, he doesn’t even respect you let alone love you.
What would he have to do for you to leave him, as it seems he’s living the life of Riley, both having his cake and eating it because you are allowing it.
He has said he loves 2 women, honestly op he should have been out on his ear the minute that phrase left his mouth

My h cheated. I was in shock for five years. Kids were aged 10-14. He confessed because he had to. As far as I know he was never unfaithful again. I stayed as I still loved him, he'd been a good husband, father and provider I thought. We'd been through a lot and together a really long time. Ten years on from finding out I have been divorced for over a year, moved well away, bought a house and doing a million times better than I ever thought I would without him.

Leave. For your own well being. It's the only way. And I didn't even divorce him for the affair. I wish I had as then I wouldn't have gone through what I did that did make me divorce the fucking twat.

This is spot on

I can't think I've ever read a thread by a more naïve and, dare I say, pathetic poster.

What the actual hell?

@CanOfMangoTango @Strawberrina not in the UK.

According to Osborne’s Law (a firm):

In a UK divorce, a self-employed husband's business assets and his true income (not just the low salary he declares) are fully considered part of the shared "matrimonial pot"
. If he intentionally underpays himself to reduce a divorce settlement, the court can penalise him heavily for this attempt to hide assets.
Here is what you need to know and the steps to take:
Key Principles
Full Financial Disclosure is Mandatory: Both parties are under a strict legal duty to provide honest and complete details of all their finances, including business interests, income, and assets. This is done through a standard document called a Form E.
Business Assets are Shared Assets: Any business started or grown during the marriage is typically considered a matrimonial asset, regardless of whose name it is in. Its value will be taken into account when dividing the total assets.
Courts Assess True Earning Capacity: The court will look at the husband's true earning potential and the business's sustainable income, not just the low salary he currently pays himself.
Penalties for Non-Disclosure: Hiding assets or income is illegal and a serious form of litigation misconduct. Penalties can include:
The court assuming the hidden assets exist and awarding you a larger share of the overall pot.
Ordering your husband to pay your legal costs.
Setting aside any existing financial order if non-disclosure is proven later.
In extreme cases, fines or even imprisonment for contempt of court.

It’s all taken as part of the assets of the marriage. He could try to use it to conceal stuff but would be very foolish to do so.

It is all very well saying courts take a dim view of financial skulduggery but the chance of any penalties is minimal. There are stories all over this website of husbands employing these sorts of tactics and they don't go to prison, let alone ordered to pay costs or unproven assets being assumed to exist.

Very often their spouses are ground down by the delaying tactics and face penury paying endless legal bills chasing a fair settlement and eventually give in.

It's head in the clouds stuff to assume that things will be made fair. Quite often we read about exes spending joint money on the OW, often quite substantial sums, and that is never reflected in finances.

The best way for OP to ensure she is not shafted is to insist her cheater of a husband gets a new job and if he wants to set up his own business, he does it as a side hustle until it pays enough.

Hi @CanOfMangoTango thanks for your advice. I'll definitely speak with H about this.