Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@Strawberrina are you seriously saying that you CAN’T see - based on your posts - why someone would deduce that you are being completely naive and practically condoning the continuation of your husbands affair.
You are not insisting on actual change. Him doing the dishes more and being more attentive to you does NOT mean he isn’t shagging her daily on his lunch break.

@NeverHadHaveHas I understand that.
I did insist that he leaves his job, but he was reluctant to do it.

Which is why you make it a non-negotiable. You do this or I leave. You do this or our marriage is over.
He knows you’re not serious which is why he continues to do as he pleases.
I honestly don’t know why you believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
The only way you can possibly go forward is if he displays utter, genuine remorse. He will do whatever it takes you get your marriage back. He is so far from this it’s quite unbelievable.
I will bet you all I own that it’s still going on and I would honestly be shocked if she’s the first.

And that just shows how little he's willing to fight for you and your marriage, doesn't it? It also shows how little respect he has for you and your marriage. You 'insist', or try to, but he doesn't even bother to go through the motions of trying to get another job.

I realise how difficult and painful it would be to disentangle your life from his, but genuinely, how can you even bear to look at this man, knowing that he can't even do that one thing for you? He throws you a minor meaningless sop by doing the washing up more often, and you're so pleased about it you boast about it here! I mean for pity's sake! How can you bear to be so disrespected?

You're pinning all your hopes for your future on your belief that your H will stop thinking about and yearning for and being in love with the OW once he's not seeing her in the office every day. I don't want to be cruel, but as PP have pointed out, this is astonishingly naive.

So you haven’t insisted then have you, you’ve just said ‘I insist’ and then let him do what he wants anyway 😵‍💫

@Strawberrina he really does need to leave that job, you are setting yourself up for continued abuse. He needs to commit to a totally fresh start and show a desire to distance himself figuratively and literally ffrom
OW.
He doesn’t get the luxury of ‘reluctant’, he does it or needs to find a new place to live.
He will not change without desire and/ or consequences.
He will play the model husband until he thinks he’s smoothed it over then go straight back to his double life.
If you are afraid of what will happen if he is given an ultimatum, are you not even more afraid of what will happen if you don’t?
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of suspicion, mistrust, gaslighting and anxiety with no peace of mind. He’s blithely in his own little world without so much as a ripple being made in his pond about this. He’ll stay on Fantasy Island until you show him the price of staying there.

Things will only fizzle out, if they want them to. They can still see each other or communicate without your knowledge in that time.

If he genuinely wants it over, then 5 months so probably have it fizzle... but nothing says they can't start up after his leave.

What exactly has he done to show remorse?

Do you feel he is trying to help you heal from his affair?

@SandyY2K @Thewookiemustgo @NeverHadHaveHas @Calliecarpa @Starlia
I want to give an update about what happened last weekend. Last Saturday I again saw the OW's car driving on our street, more than once. I have no idea what it was doing there and I personally felt stalked.
On Sunday (the next day) I attended the police station and enquired about a restraining order.
H came in the afternoon and I shared my concerns with him - he is a criminal lawyer and knows how restraining orders work. He talked me out of it, he goes to Court almost daily and knows the police, court staff etc. He said everyone would know about why I took out a restraining order in the first place and wanted to "put a lid on it".

@Strawberrina if he didn't want people to know he shouldn't have been doing it.
This is another massive red flag. he's still protecting himself and the ap over you.

Fucks sake OP. Ludicrous .

I doubt anyone on this thread has sympathy for you anymore.

So what is your take on this? How do you feel now that you were talked out of it? It’s not clear where you stand now.

I can see his reasons, but I personally felt very uncomfortable and stalked. I felt like I had to do something to protect myself, that's why I attended the police station.
H spoke with OW about not driving on our street anymore and told her that I wanted to apply for a restraining order.

Wait, what? He’s a criminal lawyer and he’s saying he can’t possibly get a job anywhere else??

@GiantSaucepan Not in our town, I doubt it.

Remote working? Set up his own practice? Surely you’re not so far from any other urban conurbation he couldn’t get work in a nearby town or city?

But how did you feel about him talking you out of it?

@Strawberrina he moves jobs, never contacts OP again, you report her to
whoever the hell you want if you feel it is harassment, whether you stay together or not. He calls NO shots whatsoever from now on.
Ask him why he wants to ‘keep a lid on it’. For her sake? For his sake? It’s certainly not for yours.
He’s behaving appallingly. He’s either doing this to make you leave him because he’s a coward and wants you to do it, or because he wants to stay and leave his reputation intact. It isn’t. It’s on the floor.
To be honest exposing it is the best thing you could do. You’ll get your answer. He’ll either leave with OW because he’s got nothing left to protect or get finally get that huge kick his arse is begging for and shape up.
With the best will in the world @Strawberrina , if you try to live with this going forward as it is now, you have signed up to a life of anxiety, hurt and suspicion.
With no change at all or fresh start you’ll get exactly that: no change whatsoever. He goes back to his job and her and you stay at home feeling humiliated, hurt and suspicious. That’s not a status quo I’d be prepared to sacrifice myself for and neither should you.
Big unplanned life changes are hard, scary, unfair and suck harder than an industrial vacuum cleaner, but like an industrial vacuum cleaner, they leave your life fresh and uncluttered and swept clean of all the dirt that was dragging you down with it.
Either he does the hard work and makes the hard life changes or I’m afraid you have to.
A wise songwriter once asked “Did you exchange a walk-on part in a war for a lead role in a cage?”
Wars are tough but wars end and at the end of a war is peace. The cage goes on for as long as you are too afraid to open the door and let yourself out.

@Strawberrina by the way, her driving down the street gave him the perfect excuse to contact her and she knew he would.
Ask for her contact details and politely inform her of everything he has said to you about wanting to stay married and that you would prefer her to retain some dignity and refrain from driving up and down your street. Inform her that you have seen her twice now and are recording times and dates as evidence, if she continues to do this for no apparent reason you will class it as harassment and report her.
If she is also a lawyer she will know to back off immediately. You don’t need her crap too.
Give him a choice, you get her contact details from him and politely with no drama ask her to stop yourself, or she gets reported. His call.

Probably because the whole town are laughing at you. If this is genuine, which I'm starting to doubt now, you're embarrassing yourself beyond belief.

@Bumblebeestiltskin Noone in our town knows except for five people - me, H, our two sons and OW.

If it’s a small enough town that a criminal lawyer can’t get another job, are you sure she isn’t just driving up and down your road out of necessity going about her business? Are you sure she hasn’t always driven up and down the road, but now you’re just aware of it and watching for it?

If it’s on a route she usually uses and as long as she isn’t lingering or gawping into your windows I’m not sure why you feel stalked. Yet again, you are making her the problem when your problem is the man who is shagging her, who you have no problem living with.

Bloody hell, OP. I don't even know what to say any more. What about what you want? Your H wants to 'put a lid on this', because of course he does, but what do you want to do? Yet again, you're repeating everything he says as though it's gospel truth and cannot be questioned or disagreed with. And secondly, do you live in Siberia, 1000 miles from the next town? If your H can't get another job in your town, why can't he look for jobs in towns a few miles away where he could commute? There must be some other towns within driving distance. Why do you keep accepting his silly excuses? And why, when you believe that your H will magically forget about the OW if he doesn't see or talk to her, do you keep giving him reasons to contact her?

@Bumblebeestiltskin he’s embarrassing her beyond belief.
@Strawberrina has done nothing wrong. Most people with an ounce of humanity would feel pity, not laugh at somebody who has been betrayed.
”The whole town” (ok) are more likely thinking he’s a total bastard and @Strawberrina is to be pitied, not laughed at. If all you know is that somebody’s husband has had an affair then you have no right to judge their decisions. They don’t know what we do here and we and even @Strawberrina probably don’t know the half of it.
Lovely whilst you’re so low and struggling with a huge life crisis to get told by a random that you’re a public laughing stock for taking your time wondering whether or not to save your marriage or blow your life up.

Are you purposely being a complete and utter arse?
You feel stalked? Stop being ridiculous. YOUR HUSBAND IS STILL CHEATING ON YOU.
He has not stopped seeing her you are choosing to be naive and its frustrating. I don't know what it is you want from this thread when you don't take on board anything anyone says

She's had plenty of support and advice and chooses to be a wet blanket, let her husband walk all over her, and consider getting a restraining order out against the other woman for having the audacity to drive around her own town! This thread is nothing but a joke, now, if it's even real.