Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@Strawberrina I mean I think you intend to hang in there no matter what your husband does. I think you like your two houses and your general set up and if only this OW 25 years younger would just go away then all would be well. If you had small children and no place to go I would understand. You have a good job and your sons are adult. I think your husband who says he loves two woman will continue to disrespect you.

What exactly has your H been doing to 'work on your marriage'? I'm afraid it's really not clear from any of the posts you've made here in the last ten weeks or so. Has he made any effort whatsoever to find another job yet?

Having an affair with his junior at work, a woman who's 25 years younger than him, is already 'utterly stupid', no? And he was already jeopardising his marriage to you by having the affair in the first place. So why are you so sure he won't continue the affair and bring her to your home while you're at work?

I commented on this thread ages ago and I can’t believe that you’re still under the illusion of your husband miraculously ‘forgetting’ his OW when he won’t be at work.
I hope this is completely fabricated because if it’s not, you’re in for more heartache

If we were living in the 1920s, maybe. But this is the 2020s. Your naivety is beyond belief.

But he hasn't been working on your marriage at all, has he? The only thing he's worked at is continuing his affair with your permission. Which you have essentially given him.

Look. You can either end your marriage or stay together knowing that your husband will always be unfaithful to you. It looks like you will choose the latter - so just own your choice. Maybe have an affair or two of your own. Stop stressing about it.

@Strawberrina

There are 2 trains of thought:

' out of sight out of mind '

or...

absence makes the heart grow fonder...

@Thewookiemustgo have you read the full thread? The Op discovered the affair last year, started this thread early April and has her head firmly in the sand with occasional outbursts at her husbands other woman (25 years younger) who is also his junior at work. She works at a university, has two adult sons and two houses. She is trying to save the marriage but he is running rings around her with his ‘I love two women’ bs. I have sympathy with woman who have no assets and tiny children and have few choices. The op is in her 50s and has options. She has had pages of kind sensible advice from women on here but is doing nothing. I even suggested to her the what if the OW gets pregnant and her sons inheritance is compromised/reduced, in the hope of shaking her out of her complacency from her sons sake. I just wish she would find her self respect.

and there is no ' family ' to keep together, the Op does not have young children or even children at home.
The ' children ' are adults and have long moved out !

I agree. My mother did the same thing with my father...she cared more about keeping the house than how the constant drama was affecting myself and my brothers.

Blew up in her face, 6 months after my youngest brother turned 18 my father left her for good, for his latest OW. That was 35 years ago, the OW became his second wife and he's still married to her.

You're BEYOND naive.

That's the first time I can recall that you're admitting to grasping at straws. We're getting somewhere. I can can understand why you're trying to.

But also, I can't understand. Let me ask you, do you really believe the jacket and other items he got from the office? Do you really not believe, and it makes far more sense, that they were in her home?

You're so desperate to grasp at straws (I'm not meaning that to sound as cruel as it does), you're not seeing the woods for the trees.

@SunnyIslands yes, I’ve read it. Don’t misunderstand me, I totally agree with you, she’s had plenty of kind and sagacious well-meaning advice here. I’ve given her advice myself and no, I wouldn’t do or agree with what she’s doing personally either.
The part I disagree with is calling her cowardly because of her choices. It’s shaming somebody who is already no doubt mired in the shame of his treatment. I don’t think it’s kind or well meaning to call a woman in her situation cowardly, it’s like kicking somebody who is well and truly down. Maybe not materially, but whilst money makes the practicalities of her life easier, it has no bearing on the mental impact of trauma and abuse. Being in her fifties might mean her belief systems about marriage and women’s roles might be different to a more modern approach, her family might see divorce as a shameful failure, a friend of mine when in her fifties actually said to me “I know what he’s done but I just can’t be the only one in my family who ever got divorced.” Some things are incomprehensible to people as an option because of their family dynamics or beliefs.
I still have compassion for her situation because we don’t know enough about her and she is in a crisis.
I have read other posters here who have said she has no self-respect or self -esteem, is a coward, a doormat…. everyone is entitled to an opinion but even if they think those things are true, it is unkind to say them in these terms. Even if anyone fits into any of the above categories they are hardly going to be buoyed up into a happier more confident state in a time of distress by being further shamed.

OK op how are you going to feel when you get up to work when h is on his long AL, how will you feel leaving him at home all day alone???
Op ow will also have AL they will meet up long days together, walk in the park, book a hotel room for the day, lunch out, who knows, but this will happen op , and your husband will arrive home just before you do and you'll never know, think about how long your day at work will be wondering if he is at home, or that walk in the park he told you about, is he really, is she with him op ,

@Thewookiemustgo you are right.

I do feel frustrated and dismayed with the OP and her lack of action. I am 58 myself but I am proud and would not tolerate this behaviour in my own husband of over 25 years. I think I am angry on her behalf. He is a horrible man and treating her like a fool. You are perfectly right we should be compassionate when people are knocked down, maybe the OP needs another 12 months to find her courage.

@SunnyIslands totally get the frustration and you are absolutely right, sometimes more time is needed for pennies to drop.
Infidelity is always a very ‘high octane’ subject on MN.
The fact that people here have often turned to anonymous help online at a time of crisis when they might be very vulnerable, to me means that even when responders think the OP needs to hear some honest ‘tough love’, we should bear that in mind and be nothing but kind and respectful.

I think sympathy can be limited when you start to wonder what the driver for staying with him is. Is it that you want to ‘win’; that you feel you’re being humiliated; that you can’t stand the idea that he gets to go off and be happy? Because those are all driven by ego, and not by love. And in those instances, yes my sympathy wanes.

Absolutely do whatever is right for you and your family but please be aware that everything, absolutely EVERYTHING he is saying could be lies.

He is spinning and spinning, she could be speaking in a different language, she could be pregnant, she could have the key to your house, and have been there already, she could be a man dressed as a woman. You know nothing, absolutely nothing about her except what your husband is telling you.

And he is a liar.

By all means stay with him, but wise up.

Your marriage doesn’t need saving.

You don’t want to divorce, and neither does he it would seem. So you’ll stay married and keep plodding along as you always have.

Whether or not he will be faithful is a different matter. I suspect he won’t but if neither of you wants to get divorced I guess it doesn’t matter.

Only you know how long you’ll be able to live like this. I’m not sure what you want from this thread.

Oh OP, I feel absolute pity for you at this stage. Sigh.

As soon as he gets the chance he’ll be back on her like a rat up a drain pipe

@Bumblebeestiltskin Sorry, but how? Could you please explain?

Are you joking? 😂

@Bumblebeestiltskin No, I am not...

@Calliecarpa He has made very little effort to find another job indeed. He hasn't applied for any jobs. He could set up his own company, but he lacks the initiative and does not want the stress of being self-employed and working for himself. I guess, it's a lot easier when clients/customers just come to you.

We have been spending more quality time together, he has been more proactive with household chores (I previously did almost everything) and generally more attentive towards me.

You're naive because you seem to think thie means everything is fixed.

Chances are incredibly high he's just waiting you out until you drop your guard again & he's going to go right back to the same behaviour. And you might think "But he knows I'm onto him, why would he risk being caught again?" and my answer would be that he's willing to take the risk that he can just placate you with gestures and empty words. Because you've already shown it can work and you won't leave.