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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
TuxedoJunction · 09/04/2025 11:53

So sorry Op but it sounds as though he’s already met someone else. I’ve seen this exact scenario play out before with a work colleague I knew many years ago. Same age difference as yours.

Do you think this is a possibility that he’s met someone? Has he stayed away under the guise of work events, boys weekends in recent months? Do you share bank accounts? Any unusual credit card transactions etc?

superplumb · 09/04/2025 11:55

He doesn't love you. He sees you as a walking uterus.
Leave now. What if you had children and there was something wrong wjth the baby? He'd leave. What if he realises how bloody hard parenting is. He'd leave. .and you'd be left with the baby.
Nope sorry. Cut him dead. As for blaming your age. What a total wanker.

godmum56 · 09/04/2025 11:58

two things really....I mean his behaviour to you stinks but secondly do you really want to have children with a man who views women as baby factories and nothing more....and teach that view to his kids? I'd bet he's the kind who only wants children to validate his golden sperm.
Honestly I reckon you dodged a bullet with this one.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 09/04/2025 12:02

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2025 08:44

Whilst he may have gone about this the wrong way, can you not understand that this is someone who wants his own child? If the situation was reversed and it was the OP who was desperate for a child and told her DP that she might consider looking for someone else in order to do so would people be more understanding? Or would they be saying she should forget it and stay with him even if it meant remaining childless?
Sadly, the desire to have one’s own child sometimes leads to relationships breaking up.

His behaviour is vile. There is no excusing it.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 09/04/2025 12:11

He's not gone about it the right way but I can't see why him telling you becoming a father is a priority for him is bad. It's the truth, and is for many people every day.

Lots of people choose to end relationships if they don't meet on big things such as marriage and kids. People break up when people change minds or things don't happen as hoped.

Maybe for starters you need to go more in depth. They couldn't find an issue with you, his count was good but what about morphology and motility? Are you able to track your ovulation and get your LH peaks? Get more information and go from there.

He's not gone about it kindly, but he has admitted to you he is panicking. People panicking don't act rationally with others feelings in mind. Maybe he doesn't want to go IVF and further tests route as he's terrified he's the problem and will confirm it can't happen for him and he's sticking his head in the sand and lashing out.

gamerchick · 09/04/2025 12:11

This is a bloke who will leave you with the commitment of a baby if it doesn't give him.the feelz he's expecting it to OP. You need to take head of that.

Talk about what separating looks like and get your contraception water tight. This one hasn't got the staying distance.

DancingNotDrowning · 09/04/2025 12:12

saraclara · 09/04/2025 09:58

It's reasonable if they don't want children. It's unreasonable if they can't have them. Especially when OP has offered to go down the IVF route but he's refused to discuss it.

Show quote history

I disagree.

you can end a relationship for any reason you choose and it’s ok to prioritise having a baby over a relationship.

Onthelinetoday · 09/04/2025 12:13

justmeandmyselfandi · 09/04/2025 11:42

This thread is bizarre, if the roles were reversed the OP would be told to leave as its her last chance to have her own child/ren

I think there is a little difference between one wants children and one doesn’t and is stopping you trying to conceive versus; we are trying, but it isn’t happening so I am going to try someone more fertile.

Bibbiddiebopbiddiedooyeah · 09/04/2025 12:13

Swampdonkey123 · 09/04/2025 08:36

The sudden change in attitude makes me wonder if he has already found the youthful receptacle for his wonder sperm. Regardless you deserve better OP. What happens if you have a baby, and it is not how he imagined? Will he actually stick around and deal with it then, or will he be running for the hills? He's certainly shown that you can't trust him when things get difficult.

This was my thought too. He’s got his eyes on someone he thinks will fulfill his wants. Horrible!

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 09/04/2025 12:15

user31908734289 · 09/04/2025 09:05

OP, think yourself lucky he’s shown his true colours before you’ve got a baby to deal with too!
What would happen if you had a child with disabilities, autism etc? Would he be supportive then? He’s perfectly within his rights to want his own child of course, but he doesn’t sound like he’d hang around if things were less than perfect. Lucky escape.

Absolutely. Life/parenthood can bring unexpected challenges. He doesn’t seem capable or trustworthy. I am fuming on your behalf, OP.

mydogfarts · 09/04/2025 12:15

DancingNotDrowning · 09/04/2025 12:12

I disagree.

you can end a relationship for any reason you choose and it’s ok to prioritise having a baby over a relationship.

Show quote history

I agree.

I think he's doing the decent thing. He may have said some things in a clumsy way but realistically i think at 35 he's sensible to look for someone his own age or younger if he wants to start a family.

He isn't married to op.

He knows he wants children.

Let him go and move on op.

mydogfarts · 09/04/2025 12:17

Onthelinetoday · 09/04/2025 12:13

I think there is a little difference between one wants children and one doesn’t and is stopping you trying to conceive versus; we are trying, but it isn’t happening so I am going to try someone more fertile.

Show quote history

But realistically at 39 it's quite late in the day for op to be trying for children, that's not being mean it's just biological reality.

Welshmonster · 09/04/2025 12:17

Let him go as otherwise this issue will fester. Put it on him, make a decision about his future rather than string you along.

Angrygirl · 09/04/2025 12:19

What an awful man.

For what it’s worth you don’t know it’s you and your age that’s the problem. For starters you already have a child and he has none, so you at least know you have definitely been capable of having children in the past. He doesn’t seem to have even entertained the possibility that the issue could be him.

Secondguess · 09/04/2025 12:19

You've written a lot about what he thinks and wants, not so much about you. You need to get yourself and your child away from him. Getting pregnant by him would be the worst thing for you both.

He's already only thinking about himself. This is not a partnership.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/04/2025 12:19

I maintain, as do many others, that this is nothing to do with wanting children. That is the smokescreen that he is throwing up, If this was really his reason he would have come up with it immediately, instead of 'going quiet'. The going quiet was him coming up with his excuses. What could he use that was a definite, that pointed to a fault with OP, that he can use to give people when they ask how he came to move on from the relationship so fast?

Because, like a PP, I would bet my house on there being another woman already set up and probably already slept with. Possibly maybe even already pregnant.

He's got someone else. This isn't about him wanting a baby and it being a dealbreaker. It's about him wanting to move on.

FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 12:20

He may want children, but he is not father material. I would throw this one back. It's not good for you and your son. You both deserve better than to have a man in your lives who treats you like a broodmare.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2025 12:22

Sounds like he has already detached himself

PinkArt · 09/04/2025 12:23

Onthelinetoday · 09/04/2025 12:13

I think there is a little difference between one wants children and one doesn’t and is stopping you trying to conceive versus; we are trying, but it isn’t happening so I am going to try someone more fertile.

Show quote history

Exactly. If he has realised that having a baby is more important to him than the relationship then that is fine. But the way he has handled it - get pregnant or else - is really not fine.
There is a respectful way to end a relationship that isn't threatening to keep dating increasingly younger uteruses until he finds one upto the job.

Richiewoo · 09/04/2025 12:27

Show him the door. Are you sure he hasn't got another woman. Either way he's vile.

Fmlgirl · 09/04/2025 12:27

I suspect there’s someone else already.
I have had this said to me in the past and I left him and had a baby at 39 with someone else.

Navyontop · 09/04/2025 12:29

This ‘man’ sees you as a womb and nothing more. Plus he sounds a little unstable, proposing to someone after 6 months isn’t a stable thing to do.
He has told you in no uncertain terms that he won’t look after you in sickness and in health, you are a means to an end. I’d even be suspicious that he’ll probably leave you and the baby if it gets too much for him, which it will.
This all sucks and I’m really sorry xx

harriethoyle · 09/04/2025 12:34

I think he has behaved very poorly and should not have "future faked" you as he has - but you see, time and again, women on here being advised to leave if their DP won't commit to having children or if they want children and DP doesn't or can't. It's his right to want to be a father and it is right that he can leave if that's not going to happen with you. Doesn't mean he's not a total prick in the way he's gone about it though.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/04/2025 12:35

Even if you could get pregnant straight away, you should not have a baby with this man. His behaviour is disgusting and as for his values, words fail me.

Please make plans to leave him now. Don't make any plans to try and get pregnant by him. If he can just abandon you like that, he could do that to you and your child with him. He is immature and cruel. Try and think of it as a lucky escape as he has shown his true colours before you get pregnant or have a child with him.

enkelt2 · 09/04/2025 12:38

What a vile, disgusting man.