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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Livingbytheocean · 09/04/2025 11:16

Your relationship is in real trouble. It sounds like he has already decided to me. I do understand that he has the right to want his own children, but this lightbulb moment has happened after you have made a huge commitment already.

Start looking into how you can separate op. Don’t wait for the axe to fall, you need to protect yourself.

It must be soul destroying that he doesn’t love you enough ultimately. Not enough to stay with you whatever happens.

There is no real commitment op. Pull the plug and be strong. It might be the wake up he needs, don’t hang on and hope - be decisive. Take control.

BryantVibes · 09/04/2025 11:19

2JFDIYOLO · 09/04/2025 11:10

I think it quite possible he already has his eye on another, younger woman who he sees as a better breeding prospect.

And he's collecting his rationale.

Manufacturing that argument, insulting you and goading you into a reaction that he then used as evidence that there was an issue with YOU? It's a well known tactic.

Look out for him doing that again, collecting 'evidence' he's caused himself.

And do some detective work. Check the financials - any odd unexplained payments?

Observe him like an experimental subject. How else has his behaviour changed? Appearance, dress, weight, haircut, does he smell different? Changes in his conversation?

I think this OP.

Cotonsugar · 09/04/2025 11:25

He sounds emotionally immature the way he’s acting towards you, not discussing or speaking to you.

Duckyfondant · 09/04/2025 11:25

I'm sorry, it sounds as though he's broken up with you because he can't come back from that. Irreconcilable differences.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 09/04/2025 11:27

@fairydustforme You can't have kids (or stay) with this muppet. He's got an important component missing.

Make a plan for finishing and offloading the project. Even if you did get pregnant, he's an appalling person. End it with this failed human.

pusspuss9 · 09/04/2025 11:29

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

i hate to say this but I think he's got somebody else in his sights.

His statement ' saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations' screams that he's looking for as many reasons as he can to justify his behaviour and that he's made up his mind already.

Livingbytheocean · 09/04/2025 11:31

You might come to see this as a near miss. Even before you were trying for a baby he was avoiding commitment. You are not even engaged op. He is an avoidant. One that is likely to leave you in the lurch regardless. He is giving you all of the reasons why he can’t commit to you, and if you were pregnant you would probably hear a different set of reasons (can’t cope/poor mental health etc)

Put your energies into making a very serious plan b for you and your son. You can not afford to wait until it is at crisis point, get some advice today. Finish the work asap and move quickly to protect yourself and assets. You have a window of opportunity now.

saraclara · 09/04/2025 11:33

pusspuss9 · 09/04/2025 11:29

i hate to say this but I think he's got somebody else in his sights.

His statement ' saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations' screams that he's looking for as many reasons as he can to justify his behaviour and that he's made up his mind already.

Show quote history

Exactly. How did he expect her to respond to that, for goodness sake?

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 09/04/2025 11:34

pusspuss9 · 09/04/2025 11:29

i hate to say this but I think he's got somebody else in his sights.

His statement ' saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations' screams that he's looking for as many reasons as he can to justify his behaviour and that he's made up his mind already.

Show quote history

This also. They can't help but to let small 'tells' slip.

He's lining something up.

surfingdreams · 09/04/2025 11:35

Hi OP, sorry he’s acting like this. My ex husband did the same a few months after a miscarriage, when I hadn’t conceived straight away again…he didn’t mention moving on but a lot of what’s the point of our relationship without children / him requiring support for his depression. It turns out he had met someone else and started a relationship with them. I didn’t find out for another 5 months and wish I hadn’t spent as much time pandering to him! Anyway I’d be wary and make sure you stand your ground.

PinkArt · 09/04/2025 11:35

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

What an absolute cunt he is. Chuck this one in the bin immediately, before there is any risk that you do get pregnant. It'll be tricky to separate whatever the big commitment is but worth it to get this misogynistic prick out of your life.
Like anyone he is completely within his rights to want a child. That doesn't give him the right to treat you like faulty chattel and to treat you with such disrespect.

OfficerChurlish · 09/04/2025 11:36

I don't want to armchair diagnose but the silent treatment stuff is often the beginnings of abuse. And if he can't/won't communicate, how can you have a relationship? Of course, he has a the right to end the relationship for any or no reason (as do you), but he should just end it if he's done. He's being needlessly cruel, and wasting your time.

The fact that he seems to have changed so much so suddenly seems like he's either been pretending to be someone he's not, or perhaps he is done with the relationship for whatever reason but wants you to be the one to end it and is making things intolerable so that you will. He may feel the need to convince himself that the breakup is your fault, and/or he may want to convince others - who knows? If there were no previous signs that he's a full-strength misogynist, I'd say he's probably never been honest with you, but it doesn't matter - the fact that he WILL act this way to get whatever it is that he wants shows that that's what he is. I'm really sorry this happened, but better to know now than after becoming pregnant. This person isn't mature enough to be a parent, full stop.

I wouldn't waste any more time on the relationship except to extricate yourself from the financial/property entanglement with minimal long-term damage to you.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/04/2025 11:37

I think you must have realised by now he is not a keeper and not what he has been pretending to be. Just let him go.

HollyBerryz · 09/04/2025 11:37

I think he's already got his eye on someone else. Sorry.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/04/2025 11:37

StrawberryDream24 · 09/04/2025 10:00

you are married to each other and that is a lifelong commitment.

About half of marriages in the UK end in divorce.

There is no longer any security or commitment in marriage.

Aside, but apparently that's not the case. For a period, the number of divorces was half the number of marriages, but that hasn't translated into any marriage having a 50% chance of divorce, as marriage rates fall. Divorce rates now per head of population are lower than any time since the early 1970s.

Bella5C · 09/04/2025 11:38

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

This behaviour is manipulation. Sounds like he’s already made up his mind you’re the problem and wants you to take all the blame. He will blame you anyway. The comment about your reaction to his revelations says it all. I’m sorry this has happened and if you do separate that in time you will see the reason why. Stay true to yourself and do not let him manipulate your own sense of worth.

TheRoundTable1983 · 09/04/2025 11:41

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

I think it's you that needs to see him in a different light.. with a huge red beacon flashing violently above his head! End this facade now. It's obviously not the relationship you thought it was if he can treat you so appallingly. Thank your stars you haven't had a child with this moron. He sounds like a huge baby himself!

justmeandmyselfandi · 09/04/2025 11:42

This thread is bizarre, if the roles were reversed the OP would be told to leave as its her last chance to have her own child/ren

DBD1975 · 09/04/2025 11:43

Always, always remember the saying 'I would rather accommodate my life to your absence than accommodate my life to your disrespect'.
Know your value OP.
I have and always will leave any circumstances where respect is no longer being served, please give some thought to doing the same.

meganorks · 09/04/2025 11:45

What a fucking charmer!

The way he chose to tell you. The way he has so quickly turned it around on you ('can't see you in the same way' from your reaction). The way he is refusing to talk about it - All of this, for me, points to it being a done deal. He has already made his choice. And I would suspect that is because he has already met someone he likes. Not saying he has cheated, but I think there is someone he's interested in and he's rationalising to himself that this would just be a practical move because he so badly wants to be a father. So he's not the bad guy...

Personally, there would be no going back from this for me. I would be knocking the 'trying' straight on the head and kicking him out. It sounds like, with this house purchase, this might be easier said than done. But I think you should be assuming it's over.

StopStartStop · 09/04/2025 11:47

He's done. My guess - he's already found the younger, more fertile woman.

Get your ducks lined up and ready, take your child and go. Or, throw him out. Whichever is more appropriate.

This relationship is over. I'm sorry. I might seem unsympathetic - I'm not. I'm 67. I've done 'end of relationship' and it hurts like hell. But the way forward is through. Go through this now. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/04/2025 11:48

He'd straight to leaving you instead of trying to work though ivf or trying counselling for acceptance etc? Madness

Also he has a horrible way of dealing with it. If he really truly feels that way then ok, but it's horrible to be taking it out on you. Most people would be feeling awful about it and trying to discuss it, not effectively punishing the other person.

Lastly if he is capable of this behaviour do you think he would stick around and look after a child if they were born disabled or turned out to have other significant challenges? It sounds to me like he'd be the type to fuck off to have another baby with someone else

IVbumble · 09/04/2025 11:51

He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her.

Sounds like he has already found a younger next model to impregnate.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 09/04/2025 11:51

I’m really sorry. That’s disgusting.
I would feel whatever the relationship has been like, he only sees me as an incubator for his child
As he’s lost the ability to see and care about you as his partner, I honestly think I would tell him to find somewhere else to deposit his super sperm.
I couldn’t get past that, and nor should you.

ChristmasRoses · 09/04/2025 11:52

RealEagle · 09/04/2025 08:38

Has he already found someone ?

This was my first thought I'm afraid. He's found someone else and he's trying to justify leaving OP