He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

a sudden change in character and saying things like ‘it’s your fault you can’t get pregnant’ ‘he’s seen you in a different light’ ‘doesn’t like how you’re reacting to his revelations’!

Its the cheaters script. Making it your fault you’ve pushed him away. He’s found someone else. Please prepare yourself, stop trying for a baby and start to protect your interests. So sorry.

He been working on an exit plan, you don't talk about needing a younger women to your older partner if you don't want out.

He's not kind, reliable or father material - unwind your finances and move on.

Henry 8th syndrome…. Remember what he did to his wife’s!

Honestly, I think the fertility issue is a complete red herring. He may not even want a child, he just knows or believes that you do @fairydustforme.

The whole charade with the ring and saying that he was "planning" to propose "while you were on holiday" screams future faker to me. He must have been delighted that you told him you felt ambivalent about a proposal so early in the relationship and was happy to shelve it. 2 or 3 years on and there's been no proposal, no new ring and now he's cooling off and talking about leaving you for someone else. The whole idea of having a baby is a smoke screen imo and you should be relieved you never did get pregnant because I think he'd have been off like a shot and you'd have been left with the dilemma of terminating at 39, knowing you probably wouldn't get another chance, or raising another child alone throughout your 40s and 50s.

Give thanks and get rid. I don't know why men behave like this but nobody needs it.

I've managed to get reasonably happily to 61 without putting conditions on love. Of course you expect a reasonable standard of behaviour from a partner but that is not the same as "I only love you if xxxxx" I see that as controlling and borderline abusive behaviour.
A man who only wants a brood mare and is so cold about telling his partner this, does not love her for herself.
The OP's partner is showing his true colours here.

My gut feeling is that he is using this as an excuse to leave you. Rather than just treating you like a human and having an adult conversation with you.

Have you had thyroid checked? NHS normal is not the same as the best levels for TTC. This has made a difference to women I know.

You mention church? Which denomination? In my church children are a gift and husbands have a responsibility to wives. Children aren't a demand. Can you speak individually to someone at the church who knows about families and expectations? What he's doing isn't right imo.

It's not wrong of him to want children, but you keep saying he is committed to you and he just isn't OP, he is committed to having children (supposedly), if it was so incredibly important to him to have children why would he enter into buying a project house with you not knowing what the future holds, I had my daughter at 40, but it took 5 years to conceive, late 30's early 40's is a really hit and miss time for being able to have children naturally.

His behaviour now is very odd, if he really loved you, wanted to be with you and wanted to have children then IVF would be the next logical step, yet he has no intention of going down that route.. so going on that, are you sure he isn't just using "not having children" as an excuse to leave, because then he can blame you for it, rather than leave of his own accord?

His coldness, unwillingness to talk about it and his absolutely awful attitude towards you speaks volumes really, how can there be a happy future with him even if you do conceive?

I agree with this, ducks in a row and then cut him loose.

He hasn't got the break up, so he's arranging a soft landing. I would bet money he's sussing someone out already to jump to.
He's a coward. He may be using this as the excuse or it might be the real reason either way your relationship is over.

He doesn't get to say I'm leaving you soon, just giving you the heads up. He either commits to you or he goes.

Also, if you're aren't speaking (because of the emotions, hurt, and unstable relationship.
..you're not exactly going to be consistently trying are you?)

I had the same conversation with my partner. Similar age gap and duration and I was going to do IUI solo when we met. I paused and we've subsequently become serious and trying (when he was ready). Before we did I gave him an out, and said it would be easier with someone younger and he should go do that if he wanted to be a dad in case it didn't work out, hurt now instead of later. (My son is almost 8). He thought about it and said I'm the mother of his children, and that's that. Whatever happens he doesn't want to do it with someone else. We'd figure it out. He absolutely wants a family, wants a bio kid, and wants us to do that.

I'm sorry this cretin has lead you on in this way and is horrid, you deserve so much better. X

I agree with this. I’ve read threads where a woman is told to leave if she wants kids. It’s more important than the current relationship.

maybe he’s being a bit of an arse in how he’s saying it, but he’s be supported on here if he was the one posting (if he said he was a woman)

Hey lovely. Stress plays a massive part in this. Have you looked at supplements and anti oxidants which can help with fertility.
Test boost gummies for him and fertility ones for you. Nutrition and supplements can really help. Also pumpkin seeds are naturally good for fertility I eat them with breakfast and veg in evening meal roasted.
None of this might help, but I encourage you to do these things too as it can give you a little boost.

Although I would say I wouldn't be trying right now with him being such a dick! I'd not want to bring a baby in to the relationship that's breaking.

It sounds like he’s already checked out. So sorry OP but I think better to find out now. He doesn’t stand like the kind of person that would be supportive of a pregnancy loss or a child that didn’t meet his standards in some way.

About the whole 6 month proposal / ring thing. I'm thinking narcissist in the love-bombing stage but with quite a big side helping already of nasty and controlling. Now shown his true colours. Bin him, OP - lucky you already have a child. IVF is really really tough and I wouldn't do it without support, and certainly not with an A-hole like this one. Also re "unexplained infertility" : sometimes the body just refuses to conceive with an idiot. I've been there.

im so sorry this is happening @fairydustforme
what an awful and situation.

He does not sound like the sort of person that you want a long term commitment with - especially where children are involved.

He wants things a certain way.

Best let him leave and find that way as it would be much worse to struggle with a child with a type of disability or try and overcome grief, illness in the future with someone who is fixed in his ways like he is.

Sorry you’re going through this .

Let him shove his super sperm in someone else he’s a pig
maybe it’s your body telling you - don’t get pregnant with this excuse of a man

The thing is he’s right. It would be easier. And you have to consider you have a child.

You aren’t compatible at this point. You need to work out a way to end it.

I really hope I'm wrong but I wonder if he's having his head turned by a younger woman already. It would explain his sudden coldness and how he's goading you. He doesn't want to be the bad guy by dumping you for not giving him a baby so he's forcing your hand.

I have a couple of thoughts

1. He never really wanted to have kids with you but was just saying do because he thought it was what you wanted to hear.
2. He has spotted someone he likes the look of and wants out.
3. He has started seeing someone else and wants out.

Even if none of these is correct one thing is clear: he wants out.

There is no point you trying to work him out, twist and shape yourself to fit what he wants. You need now to gather all the strength you can muster, imagine yourself as a cold hearted Goddess and get the fuck out of this humiliating relationship.

I highly advise you not to get pregnant by this awful man. The mask has well and truly come off and now he's showing you the real him - it's ugly as hell.

Be with someone who loves you for you, not your ovaries.

If you are seriously contemplating the notion of still trying to have a baby with this man, then you are not acknowledging his huge red flags in behaviour. And he has the audacity not to like your reaction to his dreadful behaviour - sorry, what!?!?

Honestly, you don't need the gift of hindsight with this idiot OP - get out now whilst you can.

Our infertility was caused by my childhood appendectomy and the resulting scar adhesions. DH has great sperm, so the Dr said. I know he would never have left me if DC hadn’t arrived.

Your DP is saying that he just wants a baby maker. Unbelievable. I don’t think I could stay with him if he was my DH.

pssst men stay fertile much longer than women and also don't have their bodies changed forever or take a financial hit

it's illogical to reverse genders

the situations aren't comparable

He isn't the man you thought he was.
He loves the child he imagines he will have, more than the real you.

If you go ahead with him from here - with or without a child - there are many things to consider.

He’s said enough. I’d leave him now.
What an arsehole.

Utterly irrelevant how long fertility lasts. If someone can’t have kids the their parter is supported if they want to leave them and have kids elsewhere. As long as they’re a woman.