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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Iamtired123 · 09/04/2025 10:39

DUMP HIM

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 09/04/2025 10:40

Actually love, in your circumstances I'd be going out of my way to NOT have a baby with this man. The fact that he is threatening you like this makes him a far from ideal long term partner/father, and you and your DS would be much better off on your own.

I say this as someone who had fertility struggles for 10+years, so I know exactly how much pressure it puts on relationships...but even, or especially in that context, his treatment of you is callous and unforgivable. Tell him you agree that he'd "do better" elsewhere and ask him when he's moving out.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/04/2025 10:42

MimiGC · 09/04/2025 10:25

Yes, his fertility test was fine, as was hers. Difference is her fertility is proven ( ie she’s already had a child), his is not.

Show quote history

Her fertility is not “proven”. If OP is 39 with a 14 year old then she was 25 when she had her first child. Having a child at 25 does not mean you’re able to have one at 39.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/04/2025 10:46

@fairydustforme has he just turned nasty over night or was he always like this underneath ? Any other signs ?
He’s either a nasty shit or does he already have someone else ?
It’s all sounding fishy to me .
He could do ivf since there is nothing wrong with either of your fertility he is choosing not to .

SheridansPortSalut · 09/04/2025 10:46

Her fertility is a red herring. He's using it as an excuse.

I'd bet my house on there being another woman.

Miaowzabella · 09/04/2025 10:48

Anyone, male or female, who would walk out on a good relationship for the sake of a hypothetical child has left the path of wisdom. I am sorry your husband is such an inadequate single-issue obsessive, but I suppose it's better to find it out now rather than later.

Ohnobackagain · 09/04/2025 10:48

@fairydustforme I’m sorry he sounds awful. You not being pregnant could also be due to the stress with the house purchase - and now feeling on edge because of him. Honestly, I would be re-considering my future with someone like him, never mind that he seems to want to move on anyway.

Rewis · 09/04/2025 10:52

Reading the OP I was thinking that maybe he's going through stuff and is not communicating well. Working on accepting not necessarily having kids. It is not an excuse but I figured it is fixable once you process and have a good talk

But then this He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. fuck him. Is there really coming back form this even if you do get pregnant?

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 09/04/2025 10:54

he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations

OH HAS HE NOW?

Who does he think he is, Henry the f*cking VIII??

Be brave and bin him now.

Dodeedoo · 09/04/2025 10:54

Did he get a dna fragmentation test as part of the fertility testing? Standard tests can indicate that all is good sperm wise but there can be more to it. He is a prick.

JHound · 09/04/2025 10:56

I think this is sad all round. I get it’s awful being ditched by a partner if you cannot conceive, but I also get a lot of people have a burning desire to be a biological parent and don’t want to give that up.

I cannot say either of you are wrong here, sad as the situation maybe. (But he also should have thought of that before getting with you in the first place.)I will say I do know people who have dealt with infertility and their partner stood by their side and did not go anywhere so maybe either way this man is not the right man for you.

Naepalz · 09/04/2025 10:58

For most people love means unconditional love and that is not what you are getting from your partner, who sees your relationship as purely transactional.
You are worried about him leaving you but frankly I'd be more worried about him staying. I understand that you are bound up in this big project with him but start looking at ways to get out of this and him out of your life. He clearly does not love you or he would care about your feelings. He may have seemed perfect partner material up until now but the way he is behaving now surely cancels all of that out?

JHound · 09/04/2025 10:58

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

Ew. Yeah the way he said it is gross. Ditch him and move on. He should have stuck to finding a “younger woman” instead of wasting your time.

Rainbowpug · 09/04/2025 10:59

Maybe he's firing blanks
You have a child you know you can get pregnant
Maybe he's the one who can't have a child

2JFDIYOLO · 09/04/2025 11:00

Everyone, male or female, has the right to want their own children. And to want it to the exclusion of everything else.

We see it so often here, the desperation and despair of women who are having difficulty conceiving (or whose partners strung them along with 'maybe baby' - until it was too late). Women who are advised here to leave the partner who won't or can't give what they want.

Everyone has the ability to be kind, compassionate etc - or an absolute shit. Sadly, he's chosen his behaviour. He's said some unpleasant things that must have hurt.

It always astounds me how men can behave towards women when they aren't getting what they want.

I suspect he saw you as an incubator all along, hence the initial speed of his moving along with the ring etc. Whether he realised it or not. He may have just assumed it would happen, and now it's not inevitable he's reviewing his position.

You're getting a glimpse of what he's really like. I'd chuck this one back and enjoy being a mum to your lovely DC.

Deathraystare · 09/04/2025 11:00

You mention having a child before so the problem is not you, but him!

Fuckitydoodah · 09/04/2025 11:01

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/04/2025 10:18

Sorry OP, I'd say the way he is behaving is because he's met someone else. He's blaming you for not getting pregnant so he can feel justified in leaving the relationship on that narrative.

Yep, sorry OP, but this would be my suspicion too.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 11:05

Naepalz · 09/04/2025 10:58

For most people love means unconditional love and that is not what you are getting from your partner, who sees your relationship as purely transactional.
You are worried about him leaving you but frankly I'd be more worried about him staying. I understand that you are bound up in this big project with him but start looking at ways to get out of this and him out of your life. He clearly does not love you or he would care about your feelings. He may have seemed perfect partner material up until now but the way he is behaving now surely cancels all of that out?

No one should unconditionally love their boy/girlfriend, there should absolutely be many conditions involved.

dontbeabsurd · 09/04/2025 11:05

The problem is not him wanting to be a father; the problem is how he communicates his needs to you, how he treats you and the ways he chooses to deal with it all.
All the above disqualifies him as a valuable partner for you (and tbh for any other woman, but that’s not your problem). I’d dump immediately, he’s an unreliable, selfish, immature man.

Pinky1256 · 09/04/2025 11:05

After 2.5 years together, he should be feeling like a team and planning on becoming a parent with you regardless of how.

If you stay with him, start IVF immediately. You have higher chances because have "proven fertility" with your son.

In my case, we struggled 6 years to conceive, even with IVF. At some point on the journey the problem was the egg, and other times the sperm. We never accused each other or threatened to leave. All the plans were as a team. Although some of his family were telling him to leave me he didn't cave.

You should think carefully what to do. Will he also threaten to leave if you get seriously sick? I would lose trust.

TammyJones · 09/04/2025 11:08

shellyleppard · 09/04/2025 08:28

I'd be showing him the door, let his "supersperm" find another victim. He sounds horrible, absolutely horrible

And don’t let the door hit you in the way out.

2JFDIYOLO · 09/04/2025 11:10

I think it quite possible he already has his eye on another, younger woman who he sees as a better breeding prospect.

And he's collecting his rationale.

Manufacturing that argument, insulting you and goading you into a reaction that he then used as evidence that there was an issue with YOU? It's a well known tactic.

Look out for him doing that again, collecting 'evidence' he's caused himself.

And do some detective work. Check the financials - any odd unexplained payments?

Observe him like an experimental subject. How else has his behaviour changed? Appearance, dress, weight, haircut, does he smell different? Changes in his conversation?

redphonecase · 09/04/2025 11:14

Nice. If you're thinking of getting married @fairydustforme , what's his understanding of 'for better or for worse'?

I'd be glad that he's revealed himself to be such a shit and think about leaving.

gattocattivo · 09/04/2025 11:15

dontbeabsurd · 09/04/2025 11:05

The problem is not him wanting to be a father; the problem is how he communicates his needs to you, how he treats you and the ways he chooses to deal with it all.
All the above disqualifies him as a valuable partner for you (and tbh for any other woman, but that’s not your problem). I’d dump immediately, he’s an unreliable, selfish, immature man.

Agree. You’ve had a lucky escape @fairydustforme. I feel sorry for the next partner tbh as he’s clearly more invested in testing out his supersperm than investing in a relationship

MounjaroOnMyMind · 09/04/2025 11:16

Ugh, I don't like the sound of him. I'm horrified you've gone into such a complicated financial situation with someone you're not married to - will that be easy to get out of? Why wouldn't he consider IVF if he thinks there might be a problem? He's shutting you out now - I'm not sure there's any coming back from that.