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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Won't.

Where they won't give them children.

I've never seen a thread where a woman has been encouraged to leave a male partner who is trying to have children with her but appears to be infertile.

ZoggyStirdust · 10/04/2025 12:08

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:05

Won't.

Where they won't give them children.

I've never seen a thread where a woman has been encouraged to leave a male partner who is trying to have children with her but appears to be infertile.

Show quote history

I have. It does happen.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:09

ZoggyStirdust · 10/04/2025 12:08

I have. It does happen.

Show quote history

Well I have never seen it, and I've been here a long time. Do you have an example?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 10/04/2025 12:18

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:05

Won't.

Where they won't give them children.

I've never seen a thread where a woman has been encouraged to leave a male partner who is trying to have children with her but appears to be infertile.

Show quote history

Part of the dichotomy there is that man contributes sperm. In absence of sperm, you can get donor sperm should you wish.

Women contribute eggs and housing. If there is an issue with the eggs, donor eggs much harder to come by. If there is also a housing issue you're left with surrogacy which is a huge no no on mumsnet and all who consider should be hung, drawn and quartered.

A woman would be told if her DH was infertile and didn't want to pursue other options to leave. After all he could go have children at a later date with donor sperm. Your housing options have a finite lifespan.

BryantVibes · 10/04/2025 13:55

If I said to you OP I have two family members where one or the other partner decided after marriage they didn’t want children. They are still together because to each of their their relationship together is/was more than having a child. It sounds he’s seeking a biological child over you. So just let him piss off!

BlondeMummyto1 · 10/04/2025 14:04

Men who dive into relationships at lightening speeds always burn out the fastest. You’d likely have a baby and he would still leave for the next new exciting woman where he will rush through the stages all over again.

LIZS · 10/04/2025 14:19

And what if the issue , were there one, lay with him? Would he expect you to move on in case you wanted another child, I suspect not.

ZoeCM · 10/04/2025 16:55

Acknowledge that despite very preliminary tests, the issue is quite possibly him. You have not been that old over the time you’ve been trying, and you already have a child.

The OP was already in her late thirties when they began trying. In terms of fertility, that's old. Yes, she already has a child - but she was twenty-five when she had him!

Statistically, the issue is much likelier to be the OP than her husband. Men's fertility doesn't decline with age to the same extent than women's does.

PeoniesinMay · 10/04/2025 18:31

ZoeCM · 10/04/2025 16:55

Acknowledge that despite very preliminary tests, the issue is quite possibly him. You have not been that old over the time you’ve been trying, and you already have a child.

The OP was already in her late thirties when they began trying. In terms of fertility, that's old. Yes, she already has a child - but she was twenty-five when she had him!

Statistically, the issue is much likelier to be the OP than her husband. Men's fertility doesn't decline with age to the same extent than women's does.

Not necessarily; the problem is that male fertility is so poorly understood and under-considered (particularly within the NHS but in many private clinics too, I would say). The preliminary/basic analyses you will get at most clinics totally ignore a lot of serious issues (such as DNA fragmentation), which can really impair men’s fertility and are getting more and more common. Obviously, we have no way of knowing whether the OP’s partner does have fertility issues of his own but it definitely can’t be ruled out from one basic analysis, if all that it looked at was morphology, count and motility.

Commonsense22 · 11/04/2025 10:08

PeoniesinMay · 10/04/2025 18:31

Not necessarily; the problem is that male fertility is so poorly understood and under-considered (particularly within the NHS but in many private clinics too, I would say). The preliminary/basic analyses you will get at most clinics totally ignore a lot of serious issues (such as DNA fragmentation), which can really impair men’s fertility and are getting more and more common. Obviously, we have no way of knowing whether the OP’s partner does have fertility issues of his own but it definitely can’t be ruled out from one basic analysis, if all that it looked at was morphology, count and motility.

Show quote history

Thanks for pointing this out. I know several cases where the man left blaming his wife's infertility only to discover he was the problem all along.

I don't blame the man for wanting children, but I do think he's foolish to assume his partner is the problem.

SecretSoul · 11/04/2025 21:11

I can understand the strong desire to have a child, so on that front I can understand how he’s feeling. For some people that’s the most important thing, and we’ve certainly seen threads on here where the woman has been encouraged to leave her partner because she wants DC and he doesn’t. This is a bit different but the principles are broadly the same.

But….

I’d expect him to have thoroughly exhausted every possible avenue, including IVF, before deciding whether to walk away. And that really, really doesn’t sound as if that’s happened.

From your description OP it sounds as if he’s decided you’re the problem and has mentally checked out. Maybe the anxiety of trying for a baby, we shouldn’t underestimate the toll it takes on men too.

Either way it sounds as if he’s preparing to draw a line and move on if it doesn’t happen imminently.

Just wondering OP, is there any chance at all you might have given the impression you’re not totally enthusiastic about more DC? A couple of phrases in your post make you sound as if you’re trying but have some reservations. Could that be feeding into his reaction?

Bibi12 · 12/04/2025 01:19

Have you started TTC 6 months into relationships? Am I understanding correctly? That is way too early, especially when you already have a child to take care of. You don't even know this man properly and too be honest it seems like his true colours are coming through.

Nothing wrong with him prioritising parenthood but the way he goes about it is really insensitive. He shows no concern for your feelings whatsoever.

I would doubt his ability to be a good father and I would worry about his commitment in case anything goes wrong with pregnancy or baby's health.

I don't think you are compatible. You're 39 and your existing child should be priority, not rushing into another pregnancy with a new man who is not even a father yet.

WayneEyre · 12/04/2025 08:08

SecretSoul · 11/04/2025 21:11

I can understand the strong desire to have a child, so on that front I can understand how he’s feeling. For some people that’s the most important thing, and we’ve certainly seen threads on here where the woman has been encouraged to leave her partner because she wants DC and he doesn’t. This is a bit different but the principles are broadly the same.

But….

I’d expect him to have thoroughly exhausted every possible avenue, including IVF, before deciding whether to walk away. And that really, really doesn’t sound as if that’s happened.

From your description OP it sounds as if he’s decided you’re the problem and has mentally checked out. Maybe the anxiety of trying for a baby, we shouldn’t underestimate the toll it takes on men too.

Either way it sounds as if he’s preparing to draw a line and move on if it doesn’t happen imminently.

Just wondering OP, is there any chance at all you might have given the impression you’re not totally enthusiastic about more DC? A couple of phrases in your post make you sound as if you’re trying but have some reservations. Could that be feeding into his reaction?

Would you expect that from him in this case? They've only been together a couple of years and it sounds like the second baby (together) was in large part about him. What if IVF
doesn't work? Much harder to move on and not appear/ feel an absolute bastard. Honestly, after such a short relationship, a clear decision and the OP's age, I think he's making the right decision on balance. Doesn't mean he's doing it the right way.

Original poster
fairydustforme · 17/04/2025 07:49

It’s been a tough and emotional week. We have spoken, he’s gone from wanting to try, to not. We discussed and agreed we would give IVF a go, then he’s changed his mind. He says he’s looking at things logically now. That the relationship has been great, that there is no question of love or knowing that the life we have built together is the right one, but now he’s questioning whether he does love me enough if he can contemplate leaving so he can become a father. He feels he’d rather do that normally with someone rather than IVF and there’s no guarantee it’d work anyway and then he’s put me through that.

I just feel so sad. I want to feel strong and think F him, if he can’t see that what I offer is enough. I’d make an amazing wife, I’m a great mother, I’m successful, ambitious, strong etc all the things that equal a good partner. If that’s not enough for him, then so be it. But deep down I just feel so broken. I thought I’d found my person, and I thought I’d be able to be a mum again, so I’m grieving the loss of my man and the loss of the dream of having a family with someone. I love my son so much, but I always dreamed of raising a child in a loving family unit. It’s just the biggest of blows for me.

OP posts:
Dery · 17/04/2025 07:57

So sorry to hear that, OP. That’s very painful and disappointing for you. Really sorry you’re going through this.

abs12 · 17/04/2025 08:17

Sorry OP. That is very tough, heartbreaking. Remember, we can still have dreams through grief and on the other side, even if not as expected.

That doesn't help for now I appreciate. Wishing you the best and in 12 months you will hopefully be in a great space, with your new dreams coming true xx

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 17/04/2025 08:29

I have no advice to offer, but I feel for you, OP. I do think he may regret leaving a good relationship with someone who loves him. You and your son, having seen how cold he turns when things don’t suit him, may be happier in the long run without him. I hope so xx

Angrygirl · 17/04/2025 09:38

This is awful, I'm so sorry.

It would serve him right if he didn't find anyone else willing to have a baby with him or if he turned out to be the problem.

I think he's got a fixed idea in his head of what his perfect family looks like and will walk away from anything that doesn't fit though. That doesn't bode well for if he had a child with a disability or anything like that.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 17/04/2025 09:52

He's a narc he wants a baby but doesn't he wants one the normal way which doesn't involve you so he's bashing your confidence and making you weak. He's playing with your emotions. He's still getting sex and comfort and a woman chasing him. He will be loving it. I'd send a message and say ive enjoyed our time together but I'm happy to be alone and you wish him all the best finding a new partner and having a baby. You deserve better. Your a strong independent woman there's lots of men around you don't want one making you second guess yourself and making you lose confidence. Then block and go no contact. Write a journal on notes and process them feelings x

WayneEyre · 17/04/2025 10:03

I'm sorry OP, I really am. All those things about you are true, they don't only exist for him.

It sounds like he's communicated openly now so that's good, and I think it shows some decency to draw a line before IVF if he knows his priority is a family of his own rather than unfortunately this relationship.

I would try and accept it at face value. You liked each other, both gave it a full throttle go, given ages, but eventually either timings were wrong or the relationship was too new to survive a mismatch or priorities (plus you have an older son already so you weren't in the same starting position).

I would accept this. Part ways amicably and move on as best you can. He's explained himself and it may not be nice to hear but I don't think it makes him evil. You'll meet someone better matched who won't believe their luck xx

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/04/2025 14:08

Oh OP! I've just read your latest update and I feel very sad for you.

My impression, as a clear-eyed outsider, is that he actually doesn't love you enough. If he did, you'd both be at the IVF office. And when you really love someone, you can't imagine life without them. His not even wanting to try IVF but do it the old-fashioned way is a bit of a giveaway, to be honest. He wants someone younger, and I don't think that that's just about children. He just wants a younger model, full stop. Yuck. 🤮

You deserve someone who sees all that's unique and special about you as an individual, not someone who sees your age first and foremost. (And you're not even old!!!) It's a pity because a dose of Clomid might have sorted it out easily, assuming his sperm were OK, but he doesn't even want to try that.

If you don't want to let go of your family-unit dream, you could see if you can freeze some eggs in case you meet someone else in the next few years.

Or you can just rejoice in the fact that you never have to do shitty nappies and night feeds ever again!

I'm sorry, OP. Breaking up is really tough, even if they weren't right. You've had fun together and made memories and are used to him.

In my experience of break-ups, the quickest way to get over someone is a clean break. It's like a drug that you get out of your system.

Sending hugs and support xxxxx

Livingbytheocean · 17/04/2025 14:14

fairydustforme · 17/04/2025 07:49

It’s been a tough and emotional week. We have spoken, he’s gone from wanting to try, to not. We discussed and agreed we would give IVF a go, then he’s changed his mind. He says he’s looking at things logically now. That the relationship has been great, that there is no question of love or knowing that the life we have built together is the right one, but now he’s questioning whether he does love me enough if he can contemplate leaving so he can become a father. He feels he’d rather do that normally with someone rather than IVF and there’s no guarantee it’d work anyway and then he’s put me through that.

I just feel so sad. I want to feel strong and think F him, if he can’t see that what I offer is enough. I’d make an amazing wife, I’m a great mother, I’m successful, ambitious, strong etc all the things that equal a good partner. If that’s not enough for him, then so be it. But deep down I just feel so broken. I thought I’d found my person, and I thought I’d be able to be a mum again, so I’m grieving the loss of my man and the loss of the dream of having a family with someone. I love my son so much, but I always dreamed of raising a child in a loving family unit. It’s just the biggest of blows for me.

I am so sorry op. I would take control now. Ask him to leave. Cut off communication and start protecting yourself. He is not on your team.

It may feel awful now but op you are likely to meet a man that is truly devoted to you, and won’t demand the impossible. Your next chapter might be much happier than this one.

outerspacepotato · 17/04/2025 14:26

It's time to split. Your lives are incompatible now and drawing it out will hurt you and your son.

If his desire to have a bio kid is so strong, no one who couldn't give him that would be enough. This really is a it's not you, it's him scenario. He's done.

You might want to mentally prepare that he will find a younger woman and likely have a child very quickly.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/04/2025 14:47

Commonsense22 · 11/04/2025 10:08

Thanks for pointing this out. I know several cases where the man left blaming his wife's infertility only to discover he was the problem all along.

I don't blame the man for wanting children, but I do think he's foolish to assume his partner is the problem.

Show quote history

What, they broke up their marriages without even having their sperm tested? God, men can be such idiots. Any internet search on this will tell you that half of fertility issues ae down to the man.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/04/2025 14:51

To leave OP without even finding out if HE'S the problem is really arrogant. Smacks of Big Swinging Dick energy.

OP, he seems to think this is all your fault and that if he leaves you, some younger woman will fall into his arms and babies will appear in a burst of love hearts.

If I were you, I would tell him - and send articles - saying that the man is the issue in half of all infertility. This would absolutely NOT be in order to get him back, but to burst his little bubble of "OP too old/Tarzan ready to go" mentality.