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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
FleaBeeBob · 09/04/2025 15:52

He bought a ring but no proposal
threatens that if you can’t get pregnancy he’ll leave you

there’s no such thing as perfect. If you really look back at your relationship you’ll see the little things that were heading to this ultimatum

MerlinsBeard1 · 09/04/2025 15:57

FleaBeeBob · 09/04/2025 15:52

He bought a ring but no proposal
threatens that if you can’t get pregnancy he’ll leave you

there’s no such thing as perfect. If you really look back at your relationship you’ll see the little things that were heading to this ultimatum

He didn't propose because she told him not to. I don't think it's unreasonable to want children of your own and the clock is ticking.

Does sound like he has gone about it in the wrong way though.

Georgesgerbil · 09/04/2025 16:08

Leaving aside how he has handled this, wanting children more than you want any particular partner is perfectly understandable. Women on here are told all the time to leave men who don't want children with them. They are also told they can end a relationship for any reason they want.

It must hurt like hell for OP, but at least he is now being honest so OP can exit now if she wants.

YesHonestly · 09/04/2025 16:16

kids2adults · 09/04/2025 15:08

When I met Dh he had a friend who had been married 7 years and they were unable to have children because she was older, he left after meeting someone online and very quickly they were expecting a baby, they split before the baby was born and he got someone else pregnant before realising he still loved his wife and they got back together without the itch for fatherhood and he has never bothered with either of his children because it didn’t fill the hole like he thought. He was still online meeting other woman though and eventually he left again after he met the love of his life and got married and they didn’t have any children and he was ok with that because he was happy and had found what he was really looking for.

His wife is a mug and he’s a disgrace of a man.

Imagine taking back a man who left you to have children with two different women. The icing on the cake is him not providing for or supporting the two children he so desperately wanted.

Riversof0tter5 · 09/04/2025 16:16

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 14:37

What commitment? They aren't married.

People can leave a relationship for whatever reason they want. Inability to have bio children is a big reason. IVF is not a certainty and the expense can be daunting.

Show quote history

Yes, that's fair enough to some extent in the secular world and if there's been no joining of finances, shared property etc. But this man has been entangling resources.

It's sinister to declare a plan to pursue Wombs on Legs while also future faking with one woman, in the sight of God, by hanging about a church.

Commitment doesn't apply only to signed papers or spoken vows.

LifeExperience · 09/04/2025 16:26

In my experience when a man changes suddenly it's because he's either found another woman or wants to. Cherchez la femme.

Dragons12 · 09/04/2025 16:31

Surely you both knew that the chances of you falling pregnant would be low, given your age. So it’s unfair for him to now change his mind, basically issuing you an ultimatum that you have no control over.
I guess people can change their minds, but it seems extremely wrong especially considering he has a relationship with your DS now too.
What about fostering/adopting? In my mind I think it’s better to stay with the person you love and foster/adopt versus leave and find someone you may not even love, but who can give you biological children. I’d be skeptical about whether he did really love you.

BarbaricYawp · 09/04/2025 16:34

I'm surprised how many people are taking his stated desire to have children at face value. He seems like a bullshitter to me. It might be true, but it's just as likely not to be imo. The refusal even to discuss IVF with a woman he claimed to want to marry doesn't really stand it up.

Toooldtocare25 · 09/04/2025 16:40

He doesn’t want to leave if you can’t get pregnant
he wants to leave
and he’s making you think it’s your fault instead of doing the decent thing and admitting it
likely has the next one in mind
give him what he wants tell him to fuck off and find someone who deserves you.

Riversof0tter5 · 09/04/2025 16:42

I think OP would be well rid. Could benefit from private medical checks too for thyroid etc.

Did this man show any interest in the church marriage preparation course (if there is one) or just the outward show of the venue? Can OP find out if there's a course and what it covers? It will not be airy fairy but ask the hard practical questions.

If only the next women could be warned that he intended to attempt to impregnate them and dump them if it didn't take.

I'm guessing he doesn't even own any spacecraft.

Justchillinhere · 09/04/2025 16:45

His apathy towards you tells me that there's something else going on, he's got someone else or someone is showing interest in him, he's checked out already

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 16:46

Buying a house together is not a commitment recognized by any major religion that I'm aware of. Church isn't going to care about this.

People who have bought property together break up all the time. It's not a binding lifetime commitment. They sell the property. Yes, it's a pain in the ass. If I was OP, I would be making moves to completely disentangle finances and looking for places to live. This guy is checked out of their relationship.

He's decided that his wish for bio kids is more important than his relationship. He doesn't want to go the IVF route and there's no blame in that. He's outlined his next steps to OP and that's why she's going to have to move fast. He knows what he wants and it's a younger woman to have children with.

They've found after mingling their lives that they are no longer compatible. I feel bad for OP, but there was always a chance that he would want to have a bio kid rather than be happy with just trying.

CiscoTS · 09/04/2025 16:46

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

Sounds to me like he’s trying to find a way out by that comment about how he’s sees you now.

I’d tell him to go - if you don’t you’ll always be wondering when he’s going to, you’ll be so anxious.

Sodthesystem · 09/04/2025 16:48

Dude is a cheeky CF, trying to babytrap you and never marry you.

Either that or he wants an excuse to end the relationship without being 'the bad guy'. Probably due to cheating sadly.

Never have kids with anyone you are not married to IF you EVER want to be married. This guy is trying to get the milk without buying the cow.

Sodthesystem · 09/04/2025 16:50

FleaBeeBob · 09/04/2025 15:52

He bought a ring but no proposal
threatens that if you can’t get pregnancy he’ll leave you

there’s no such thing as perfect. If you really look back at your relationship you’ll see the little things that were heading to this ultimatum

Exactly. A future faking baby trapper. Ruuuun!

Riversof0tter5 · 09/04/2025 16:50

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 16:46

Buying a house together is not a commitment recognized by any major religion that I'm aware of. Church isn't going to care about this.

People who have bought property together break up all the time. It's not a binding lifetime commitment. They sell the property. Yes, it's a pain in the ass. If I was OP, I would be making moves to completely disentangle finances and looking for places to live. This guy is checked out of their relationship.

He's decided that his wish for bio kids is more important than his relationship. He doesn't want to go the IVF route and there's no blame in that. He's outlined his next steps to OP and that's why she's going to have to move fast. He knows what he wants and it's a younger woman to have children with.

They've found after mingling their lives that they are no longer compatible. I feel bad for OP, but there was always a chance that he would want to have a bio kid rather than be happy with just trying.

Church very much will care if these are congregants and one is messing up the other.

Regardless of whether/how marriage is a sacrament in their church.

Agreed the man has not entered a contract. He has however made commitments.

RunningJo · 09/04/2025 16:57

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:22

We had fertility testing last year. His sperm count is good and they couldn’t find any issues with me.

He said the other day that he knows his sperm is good so he knows it’ll be easier for him with a younger woman as I’m the problem. I did tell him he was a C for saying that. I was pretty off with him when we first spoke on Monday, and he’s saying that he’s seen me in a different light because of the way I handled his revelations.

He tells you that about a younger Woman, calls you a c* and THEN tells you he’s seeing you in a different light because of the way you handled his revelations!
WTAF

OP, my advice to you would be to re think your future with him. I would struggle to move past everything he has said to you.
Do you really want a child with someone like this?!?
He is cruel, hurtful, selfish, and actually a bit of a twat.

You can do better, your deserve better. I know it’s not easy to walk away, but what do you see your future being like if you stay with someone like this?

Weefox · 09/04/2025 16:58

Red flag fluttering. I think he's probably found someone else. Take the initiative and end it. If he really wants you he'll beg you to come back.

PrimoPiatti · 09/04/2025 17:09

Run....

elileli75 · 09/04/2025 17:22

OP there is no kind way of saying this. He's got eyes on someone else - it's time to move on

Vibgyor · 09/04/2025 17:39

Swampdonkey123 · 09/04/2025 08:36

The sudden change in attitude makes me wonder if he has already found the youthful receptacle for his wonder sperm. Regardless you deserve better OP. What happens if you have a baby, and it is not how he imagined? Will he actually stick around and deal with it then, or will he be running for the hills? He's certainly shown that you can't trust him when things get difficult.

^This.

I suspect he has had his head turned by someone younger and is seeking to justify leaving you for her.

Sorry OP I don’t say that to hurt you.

Noodlie · 09/04/2025 17:42

Ok, if he bought a ring and you told him
not to propose, (basically “I don’t want to marry you”) and you are a bit older than him, I kind of see where he’s coming from. Where is his security in your relationship? He’s getting a no for long term commitment and a no for children, given your age. It completely sucks but from his viewpoint you aren’t offering him anything at the moment.

Alternatively, he may have a younger affair partner or one night stand on the side who is unexpectedly pregnant and he’s trying to justify leaving you and making out it’s your fault, so he can get to keep a relationship with the child he wants.

HowToBuy · 09/04/2025 18:02

You’ve been together for 2.5years and youve already been trying for a baby for 2 years? Really?

Badumtsk · 09/04/2025 18:05

Ummm OP, you said you've been together 2.5yrs and TTC for 2yrs...so started trying after knowing this guy a matter of months? 😕

PopeJoan2 · 09/04/2025 18:09

TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:47

Many of them

Show quote history

I haven’t seen any. Do you have links?