He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

Oh it’s so hard when you’re trying to get pregnant and so desperate to it’s all consuming. For OH to threaten to leave also I don’t think it’s I would have coped. Hugs OP 😭 can you go and have a baby without him 😆

Aside - when my ex and late husband was with wife 2, he started saying 'She will never be a mother' as if it was a failing on her part. He already had wife 3 pregnant, but hadn't mentioned it yet.

@fairydustforme You need to move on. He sounds very fucked up. Sounds like Handmaid's Tale.

This was my first thought. He's laying the ground work to leave.

I'm so sorry OP.

It's a deep biological need to want to be a parent, and I don't think anybody should be demonised for prioritising this in life when they currently don't have any children. However, he's handled this situation so badly & insensitively that it sounds like you might be better off without him, longterm.

The reason why he's shut you out now or ignoring you, is because he's hoping that by being a dick you'll do him the favour of ending the relationship. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, and I'm sorry to say that it seems like a lot of men do this.

They don't leave their female partners. Instead they behave progressively worse, colder & nastier, until their female partner finally decides to accept the responsibly and emotional burden of leaving them.

The other reason is that if it's you that ends it, is that if he regrets his decision in future, he can look back and say 'Oh well, she decided to leave me, so if that's her choice, what could I have done'? It lets themselves off the hook for any future regret... even though they're the ones who are engineering the situation.

I have only skimmed the thread, so apologise if I am repeating a point someone else has already made- but I think your partner really needs to educate himself a bit about just how complex fertility is (and how poorly understood male fertility still is) before he throws all the ‘blame’ at you, OP 💕 I am 30, 29 when we started TTC (so probably well within his ‘ideal’ age bracket! 🙄). My husband is 36 so very comparable to your partner in age.

My husband always had good count/motility on basic analyses, so the NHS dismissed our primary infertility as unexplained. However, his morphology was always slightly below average (2-3% rather than the expected 4%) and it turned out that he had severe DNA fragmentation which made our chances of natural pregnancy minimal. I will be 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow, but only thanks to private ICSI with Zymot filtering to find the right sperm! DNA fragmentation can also be present even when morphology appears normal, and is becoming more and more common due to modern lifestyles being bad for so many men’s sperm (there is a good show about this on 4OD if you’re interested, called Celebrity Save our Sperm).

Of course, as we all know female fertility does show some decline with age, but it’s not exactly as if you’re in your mid 40s or beyond now! And the fact that you’ve had a healthy son already hopefully (presumably with no fertility issues then?) rules out a lot of potential female factor problems like uterine abnormalities, immunological issues, etc. In a way, if he has never fathered a child with anyone else, his fertility is much less ‘proven’ and worth a look. Has he taken steps to improve his own lifestyle/sperm health or just accounted it all to your age from the get-go?

I agree with everyone else that the way he is treating you over this is really quite unpleasant, and that it is well worth considering what you really want this situation, because you absolutely deserve better. But just factually, he needs to educate himself a lot more about infertility, possibly investigate his side of things in more depth and most importantly get rid of the idea that if he had a partner in her late 20s/early 30s she would instantaneously get pregnant, because it’s not necessarily the case at all!

To add, I am so sorry for what you’re going through- infertility is the worst thing I have ever been through and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, let alone with the added impact of your partner being so unsupportive towards you too 😞

Have you used an ovulation kit?

Wow. I am so sorry OP.

Is he doing this as a ‘get out’ do you think?

There are other options eg adoption or building his relationship with your dc?

I can’t have kids I suffer from recurrent miscarriage so find this disgusting tbh.

let him impregnate someone else if he likes - one way ticket to FuckeryTown

Oouuffff so many red flags here, when put like that!

2 things
He sounds horrible calling you the c word.
Secondly it costs very little to get married, it obviously wasn't a priority to you.

I'm sorry you are going through this of course it isn't your fault if you're not pregnant.

I am so sorry you are in such an awful situation with your P.

Off subject, … I thought I couldn’t have a third, neither did the gynecologist but I did naturally at 39 even though one of my tubes was blocked.

Is he on some incel forum??! Your fertility, your age, if you can't present him with his offspring and fulfil his manly need for fatherhood.....

No I get it, it is reasonable to want to be a parent, but surely something has precipitated this change of character.

I mean, could he be bipolar and is gently heading for an episode?

Personally - and I'm sorry to say it - I wouldn't advise having a child with someone who isn't in it unconditionally. Because there's this...and now you know there's potential for some other mindfuckery to come at you out of the blue.

At the risk of being flamed why were you having unprotected sex with someone who you had only been with for 6 months when you had an 11 yo at home?

You have only known this person for 2.5 years and have been trying to actively have a baby for 1 year.

You already have a child who needs you and now this asshole is going to abandon him as well.

Leave him and just focus on your son and helping him heal from this.

This man should be nowhere near him.

Don't have a kid with him.

Get some legal and financial advice asap about your "project".

You have got a son already but started having unprotected sex with this man (aka trying for a baby) after six months? Mate, that’s madness!

He is going to be a sh*t father. And I pity whoever he ends up with.
I'm sorry, OP, for what you're going through. And I know this won't make it easier for you but, honestly, if he leaves, good riddance: he is no man.

He is a total pig. You are not a walking pair of ovaries.

And his genes are not so amazing that he must spread them.

He's vile. Sorry but that's how he sounds.

This was my first thought too: he is following a very identifiable discourse/script ("the wall" and all that nonsense). Which proves again that he's a twat.

I mean, could he be bipolar and is gently heading for an episode?

I know we are all psychiatrists here but this is quite an unexpected interpretation.

His cold lack of empathy is bordering on psychotic....
He'll find a reason to leave you in the future, that's almost certain.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, he's revealed who he is, and it's not pleasant 😔

Well I know it might be a bit left field but if you've ever seen someone kind of descend slowly into an episode, it often begins with an expression of being manipulated or hard-done-by in some way.
But incel is I think more likely.

Ots one of those thread where the poster is like 'up until recently he was perfect' and then with each update there's a scree of red flags shoeing that no, up until recently, he most certainly was not perfect.

What a wanker. I had fertility issues. I offered to divorce my H. He wouldn't hear anything of it. He loves me with or without children. It took 7 years of fertility treatment for us to have our first. I was 40 and 42 with the second. I wouldn't have a child with a man that doesn't love you enough. He's happy to sacrifice you and your relationship for a child that may never be with a woman who he hasn't even met. He doesn't want a baby with you. He just wants his baby.