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Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 09/04/2025 14:32

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

Ah just read if he can't get pregnant with you he is considering moving on.

He doesn't love you. Otherwise he would accept you.

It's a no go, sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2025 14:35

Swampdonkey123 · 09/04/2025 08:36

The sudden change in attitude makes me wonder if he has already found the youthful receptacle for his wonder sperm. Regardless you deserve better OP. What happens if you have a baby, and it is not how he imagined? Will he actually stick around and deal with it then, or will he be running for the hills? He's certainly shown that you can't trust him when things get difficult.

This. Definitely.

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 14:37

Riversof0tter5 · 09/04/2025 14:24

The church thing worries me. Is he looking to breed with a tradwife type, maybe control someone surrendered? In my church he is being Very Wrong to desert a commitment and also to behave as if manfully entitled to children rather than humbly open to procreation.

What commitment? They aren't married.

People can leave a relationship for whatever reason they want. Inability to have bio children is a big reason. IVF is not a certainty and the expense can be daunting.

BlondeMummyto1 · 09/04/2025 14:38

I think the relationship sounds like it’s over or won’t last.

Having children is a huge dealbreaker but he’s gone about it awfully.

WilfredsPies · 09/04/2025 14:42

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 09:16

When we’d only been together for around 6 months he bought a ring, showed it to me, we were going on holiday and he told me he would propose during the holiday. It all felt like I knew too much about it, and if I’m honest a little too soon at that point. We had a grown up conversation about it and I asked him to wait, do it so it was a surprise and with a ring I hadn’t seen.

We then bought a house, have taken on our current property, which meant our finances were very stretched and there was no spare money for a ring or a wedding. I was happy to wait as I didn’t question his commitment to me.

Show quote history

Wow, he’s taken love bombing and future faking to the extreme, hasn’t he?!

He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father So he’s already decided that your relationship is definitely over and he’s definitely leaving then, but that you shouldn’t be too upset because it’s not you, it’s your womb.

I get that some people have an urge to become a parent and that people having different opinions on whether or not to have children could end a relationship. But bearing in mind that his ability to have children is not time limited, the fact that he’s not even prepared to try IVF with you tells me that he wants children at the moment. He just doesn’t want children with you.

I don’t think that this is the good, kind, wonderful man you thought he was. I think he’s a cold, cruel and selfish man who chases after something or someone he wants, only to find it’s starting to bore him, and then he’s on to the next exciting thing he wants to pursue. I feel desperately sorry for any children he has in the future and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you should start taking steps to get him out of your life as quickly as possible. Get yourself a solicitor so that you can extract yourself financially without losing out. Can you get away from him? Will he consider leaving?

Grieving for the life you thought you had, and were going to have, can come afterwards. For now, you need to get away from him before he has the chance to cause you any more damage.

FeelGettingPowerBack · 09/04/2025 14:42

Look, trying for a baby, and having fertility issues is possibly the most stressed out I've ever been in my life, and boy has there been a lot of issues I've had to deal with.

Sounds like he is the one most stressed over this. You already have a child, although I'm sure you are anxious too.

I'd sit down with him and ask him to try IUI, not IVF and see what he says. Both my DC were conceived this way (worked 1st and 5th time). It's not as intrusive or £ as IVF and both DH and I had no issues, the necessary blobs just didn't seem to meet head on.

If he won't meet you in the middle to make this happen, then you have your answer.

By the way, stress will affect the ability to conceive. It reaslly doesn't help.

FeelGettingPowerBack · 09/04/2025 14:43

He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father

Is that you Elliot?

TheShiningCarpet · 09/04/2025 14:50

consider this a blessing in disguise although it must hurt like hell - he's gaslighting you, winding you up, telling lies. You really deserve better. He doesn't want to commit to you on any level - he won't marry you and he's using having a baby as an excuse for you to end the relationship so he doesn't have to the spineless wonder. End it.

TheShiningCarpet · 09/04/2025 14:52

FeelGettingPowerBack · 09/04/2025 14:42

Look, trying for a baby, and having fertility issues is possibly the most stressed out I've ever been in my life, and boy has there been a lot of issues I've had to deal with.

Sounds like he is the one most stressed over this. You already have a child, although I'm sure you are anxious too.

I'd sit down with him and ask him to try IUI, not IVF and see what he says. Both my DC were conceived this way (worked 1st and 5th time). It's not as intrusive or £ as IVF and both DH and I had no issues, the necessary blobs just didn't seem to meet head on.

If he won't meet you in the middle to make this happen, then you have your answer.

By the way, stress will affect the ability to conceive. It reaslly doesn't help.

its not about a baby - do not engage in fertility attempts with this waster of a man. Save your money and your sanity - do not create a situation where you are connected to him for years - I guarantee you if you had a baby, he would end up leaving for any other reason and would show himself to be a poor father in practice (I also agree, he's had his head turned)

Livingbytheocean · 09/04/2025 14:53

I have reflected on your predicament op, and I would take the planned, dignified route.

I would choose to wrap up the project, end the relationship and focus on my son.

Best case scenario of you becoming pregnant with his child is only going to last for as long as he asks for another child, and you will be too old by then realistically. He might want three children. I wouldn’t want to be with a man that made me feel so horrible about my age and fertility. The natural evolving process of aging should be enjoyed not cause shame.

If you can’t have children the resentment, anger and recriminations will go on indefinitely.

Be dignified op. Tell him you can’t guarantee any further dc and you would prefer that he left to pursue this elsewhere. You will soon know definitively how he feels. Don’t waste the last youthful years on an indifferent man

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 09/04/2025 14:56

Get rid. He isn't mature for a baby. Also why does he think he's going to run to a woman who will have his kids? He hasn't had any so far. He's a manipulator and trying to make you feel guilty. Tbh you have a teenager why go back to nappies. Enjoy your life He wants a baby let him go and have one and you have a nice trip to the carribean with your teen x

ginasevern · 09/04/2025 14:58

He doesn't love you OP. No man (or woman) who truly loved someone would leave them for this. He sounds flaky as hell and obnoxious quite frankly. To actually be proud of talking about women as if they're disposable commodities or incubators. Who does he think he is - Henry VIII. I actually don't believe him anyway. I think you've outgrown your usefulness and he's finding everything too much like hard work. He's come up with this "full proof" reason to leave you high and dry. I mean, who's going to condemn him for desperately wanting to be Mr wonderful daddy, right? Let him go and for Christ's sake don't get pregnant by him.

PalePinkPeony · 09/04/2025 15:05

OP there is one simple fact amongst all of this.
He doesn’t love you.
Even if he says he does, he doesn’t.
Who wants to raise a baby with someone who doesn’t love you?
What kind of parent wants to begin a child’s life this way?
As devastating as it is for you, you can’t have a child with this man.
You deserve to be happy and in the long run this man won’t give you that, baby or no baby.

PositiveCapybara · 09/04/2025 15:07

I am so sorry OP, this must be awful for you. I think what he has said is really dickish, and extremely selfish and immature. If he was a good man, who truly loved you, he would never leave you for a younger woman in order to conceive... he would stick with you through thick and thin. A more reasonable course of action would be to ask you to consider using a donor egg (if your egg age is the problem) so that he still CAN have biological children, and be with you!!

I could not stay with a man like that, knowing he was willing to throw me away so easily. As others have said, I wonder if he has already found his younger woman... If so - ditch him! You're worth infinitely more than he ever will be and he doesn't deserve you.

kids2adults · 09/04/2025 15:08

When I met Dh he had a friend who had been married 7 years and they were unable to have children because she was older, he left after meeting someone online and very quickly they were expecting a baby, they split before the baby was born and he got someone else pregnant before realising he still loved his wife and they got back together without the itch for fatherhood and he has never bothered with either of his children because it didn’t fill the hole like he thought. He was still online meeting other woman though and eventually he left again after he met the love of his life and got married and they didn’t have any children and he was ok with that because he was happy and had found what he was really looking for.

Toptotoe · 09/04/2025 15:08

RealEagle · 09/04/2025 08:38

Has he already found someone ?

That was my thought too. He has changed his position from being ok so long as you try to it becoming a deal breaker. This makes me wonder if he has someone lined up.

Starlight7080 · 09/04/2025 15:11

It's fair enough he wants a child. That's a normal thing for so many people.
But so is ivf. You would think that would be the next step . Not moving on to someone else.

LadyGAgain · 09/04/2025 15:17

I’m so sorry this must be very painful for you. Is there any possibility he has had his head turned by someone younger who he is interested in and this is his ‘plausible’ way to leave?

localnotail · 09/04/2025 15:21

OP, he already got someone in mind, I can guarantee this. A younger woman he thinks he can have his "perfect" family with.

I would also add that guys like him are usually the ones who do fuck all to help with the child and very often have no interest in their offspring. Having a baby is a status thing for them to demonstrate how manly and virile they are. Nothing to do with wanting to be an actual father to anyone.

kids2adults · 09/04/2025 15:29

I think you need to ask yourself if you can confidently settle down with someone whose foot is halfway out the door. Suppose you had one child and he had a yearning for another?
I have an amazing daughter who I love to bits but she’s autistic/ADHD and has pda and is very challenging, Dh and I have to remain strong to get through the tough days and hold each other up when it’s challenging, could he cope with this? Could your relationship survive anything thrown at it? You’ve only been together 2 years and already he’s bargaining with your future.

Rycbar · 09/04/2025 15:33

I desperately want to be a mother. I have done since I was little. We are the in the depths of infertility and I wouldn’t dream of leaving my husband - even if it were his ‘fault’. If we don’t have children I’ll be devastated but I will still have him. If he turned around and said he didn’t want to try anymore then I might have a different answer but I wouldn’t leave him if he couldn’t get me pregnant!

CountryQueen · 09/04/2025 15:36

This fella has already found his young fertile replacement. He just needs to place the blame on you first and try to get you to “support” him.

In other words, he’s shagging someone who may or may not already be pregnant but doesn’t fancy being the bad guy

PremiumD · 09/04/2025 15:37

I’d eat my hat if there wasn’t someone else, sorry OP. I would be very careful to not get pregnant now. He’s folllowing the script for sure.

Plumpishly · 09/04/2025 15:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MerlinsBeard1 · 09/04/2025 15:50

This may come across as harsh but I think you have come here for honest opinions.

It sounds like he is having a quarter life crisis and has realised you could be well in to your 40s before you conceive, if you do at all. I don't suppose he feels he can wait much longer being 35 himself. Men feel the biological clocking ticking too.

You have previously declined his proposal as it wasn't a 'surprise.' This may have affected him?

'We then bought a house, have taken on our current property, which meant our finances were very stretched and there was no spare money for a ring or a wedding.' You don't need money to get married. Often the more lavish the wedding the shorter the marriage. It appears this ship has sailed though.

His comments regarding a younger woman were hurtful but they are coming from a place of truth. I suspect he thinks he has 5 years max but you really only have 1. If he were to get with a 30 year old there would be more time and less pressure.