He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

It's called a false equivalence.
Go do your homework, dear boy.

He wants children more than he wants a childless life with you. There might be someone younger he's thinking about or not. Right now, you know how he feels and that's not going to change. His bottom line is he wants his own biological children.

I think you were out of line for calling him a cunt for him telling you his truth as to how he sees things.

I think the two of you are incompatible and time to disentangle finances and exit this relationship.

I totally understand him wanting a child and wanting to optimize his chances even at the cost of the relationship.

Here is what I think a decent guy who actually loved you would do…

Acknowledge that despite very preliminary tests, the issue is quite possibly him. You have not been that old over the time you’ve been trying, and you already have a child. Then also reassure you that this is not about a blame game, this is something you have embarked on as a couple. He would want to pursue fertility treatment with you, and if did turn out to be necessary, ask if you would consider using donor eggs to realise his dream as a family. He would not be rude or hurtful, in fact he would be trying to protect your feelings. He would not be put out to discover that you are a self respecting human being who answers back.

I am getting the sense he is partly making excuses and even if you were to conceive, sees his future elsewhere. Maybe he has even met someone. Also whatever the case may be he seems like an unpleasant, unkind and unintelligent person.

Exactly what I was thinking no different to a women wanting to leave to have kids

Maybe he was the “perfect” partner all along because he was using you for your womb and now he hasn’t got what he wants he’s got one foot out of the door.
Sadly I can’t see how this relationship can ever recover from this, how can you ever trust that he won’t just up and leave because he’s later decided that actually you’re not fit for purpose.
I can also understand why he has said what he said, if being a biological dad is important to him that’s fine, but how he went about it is the wrong way and he’s been cold to you since and and punishing you for being upset with his words and actions.
He’s shown his true colours.
So sorry he’s putting you through this. I hope YOU find the happiness you deserve, just because you’re you, and not because of what you can give a man…

Wow I'd be grateful you don't have a kid with him and tell him to fuck off.

So many red flags you could make bunting

His behaviour suggests that he’s already got his eye on an incubator for his super sperm.

Sounds like he's setting the scene already for the soon to be news to you that's he's already been cheating and got someone else pregnant! What a pig! I understand that he wants a child but to be so disrespectful as to say he will find someone else if you can't, is actually disgusting. That would be enough for me to move on. Sending you all the strength, whatever the outcome ☺️

Is there a possibility that he's had a timeline in mind for you becoming pregnant and that's run out?

I get women wanting children, I get hormones...I get all that but I do find it hard to understand why a woman would leave a wonderful and loving partner because they can't give the woman children. I have no kids myself and when I started menopause and "no children yet" became "no children ever" the pain was unexpected, shocking and real but I would never have left my beloved husband over it. I do wonder whether its a "last straw" thing? I do understand not staying with a man who doesn't want children when you do or who said they did want kids and changed their mind, I think that's different.

Sorry, not read whole thread just OPs comments. I think he’s got a younger model lined up already.
What a horrible man! Don’t have children with someone who talks to you the way he does

I don’t buy his excuse.

He’s found someone else and is just using the excuse you can’t get pregnant as a get out.

Guarantee in six months time he’ll have his baby on the way with a new girlfriend. Seen it too many times.

😭

Charming.

Ffs even if his sperm count is good it could still be his fault. Who knows he could easily have deformed, poor quality sperm. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he wants to leave to up his chances of having a child than he needs to be honest about it instead of making it her fault. Even then, as others have pointed out, he's no spring chicken either and there are no guarantees.

As someone who's been through IVF, having a supportive partner is crucial. The emotional, mental and physical effects on the woman can and will take its toll. I advise you think twice before embarking on that journey with someone like your partner. He sounds extremely selfish and emotionally immature. You might be successful at IVF and have to spend the rest of your life connected to him; or you may go through that all and end up with nothing but resentment.

I know it's easier said than done, but focus on yourself now and he can go do his damage somewhere else.

I think if he honestly wanted children with you he would be discussing IVF options and being supportive, like others have said I do wonder if he’s using it as an excuse to go.
Having a baby, especially when older takes a physical toll, I had my first late twenties and our last baby in my late 30’s and I definitely felt the difference physically, more tired etc
Personally he doesn’t sound like someone I would want to have a child with, is he someone who is likely to stick around if child has additional needs, you suffer ill health etc?
We always say that if people disagree over having children that it’s something that people should separate over, so that it gives people a chance to find a like minded partner, this isn’t happening here, you have been trying to fall pregnant.… I would be thanking my lucky stars I had been given a heads up about his true feelings before a pregnancy had occurred.

I wouldnt try to get pregnant with Superstud as he's already got one leg out of the door if you fail.
Find someone better!
🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP, I’m sorry, this behaviour from him is, quite frankly unforgivable.

Consider his actions vs. his words: While he has expressed his desire to be a father, his actions—such as distancing himself from you, being cold, and refusing to discuss future options like IVF—don’t align with someone who is truly committed to the relationship and to navigating these challenges together. Also, given your comment about attending church together, his actions seem far from Christian. Pay close attention to whether his future actions show care for the partnership or if they show more focus on his own individual desires.
I would prioritise your own, and your 14 y/o DS, well-being and needs. Relationships require mutual care, respect, and effort, and right now, it seems your emotional needs aren’t being met in the way they should be.
Trust your instincts, give yourself the space to reflect, and seek personal and perhaps professional support if needed.
You deserve a relationship that is grounded in love, mutual respect, and understanding.

WOW! Where has this all came from? I don’t think I would want to have a child with a person that spoke to me in this way. I would get your ducks in a row and ask him to leave. He is being toxic and vile, all while trying to gaslight you that this is your fault?! Bye bye friend! You are better than that and your son deserves better too x

I think if you were refusing to have children with him then he’d be within his rights to say what he’s said and leave. What I’m confused about is why he wants to throw in the towel without having tried anything! At 39 it may just be time and you will still conceive naturally or it may be that medication or IUI or IVF is needed..if it was about being a father surely he’d want to try fertility treatments (assuming you want to of course).

The church thing worries me. Is he looking to breed with a tradwife type, maybe control someone surrendered? In my church he is being Very Wrong to desert a commitment and also to behave as if manfully entitled to children rather than humbly open to procreation.

How come you are not flamed on here for saying this? Every time I open my gob and say that the old ways things were done existed for a reason, I get flamed and told to go back to 1870. Btw, totally agree with your post.

I was about to type this exact thing! When someone shows you who they are you must take notice...he wants everything his own way and not even discussing it openly shows you who your 'D'P is. How dare he dismiss your feelings and judge how you've reacted to this bombshell. Do you really want to bring a child into his world?

This is a brilliant post. In my church it would be the same, literally the same. It has been mentioned in a number of sermons, that this is a cross to bear for both man and woman, when they can't procreate.