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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I allow my husband to come home?

107 replies

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 21:51

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. In that time he has gotten addicted to meth, been verbally physically and emotionally abusive. The first year of our marriage he got caught trying to get a female to go out with him. He comes back from that job with my name on his neck as proof of love and that he only wanted me. In one of his drugged out rages he gave me two black eyes and a concussion. He recently got back on drugs after years clean. He started with the mental games and abuse all over again and it was always my fault. Through it all I've loved him. This past weekend he got caught yet again trying to hook up with a female. He actually had the nerve to compare it to my ex walking into my place of work and me having to wait on him as a customer.Then said he did it to teach me a lesson. I made him leave and he tells me if I love him I will let him come home so we can work it out. I told him I wasn't saying never but I needed time to heal. He told me that if not then he was done completely and would never be back. He says we have been together too long for me to just throw it away just like that. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Raindropsaredancing · 08/04/2025 21:54

You.would be a fool to allow him home OP.

Odiebay · 08/04/2025 21:57

He has thrown it away not you.. and look at what he's accusing you of throwing away.. a toxic relationship with a drugged up abuser... You SHOULD be throwing that away. It's not a bad thing to throw this away!

You would be insane to let him back.

Mum2jenny · 08/04/2025 21:58

Please do not let him back

SkipToTheLight · 08/04/2025 21:59

Definitely do not let him come back. He could end up killing you.

Lmnop22 · 08/04/2025 22:00

It’s so hard when you’ve wasted this much time but PLEASE don’t waste any more.

I promise you there’s life after this man once you finally draw a line and start the process of moving onward and upward.

What would you tell your daughter or your friend if they wrote this? Don’t accept less for yourself than you’d want for your family and friends, you’re worth so much more than this behaviour and life is so so short.

Comtesse · 08/04/2025 22:00

So he’s a violent drug-taking abusive cheat. You would be foolish NOT to throw that away. He is no catch.

Timeforsnacks · 08/04/2025 22:01

You will have happiness without him. He may not find happiness whoever he is with, so to him it would feel like 'throwing it away' but to you, splitting up with him would be the start of a great stress-free life.
Prioritise yourself for the rest of your life

gamerchick · 08/04/2025 22:03

Please tell us there are no kids stuck in the middle of this?

R053 · 08/04/2025 22:03

I think you need to protect yourself from yourself by keeping him out of your home and life. Your feelings of love are only that - just feelings. Feelings can be both true or untrue.

The facts on the other hand are he is a violent, unfaithful drug addict. You need to keep him away not just for your sake but also for everyone who loves you and worries about you, such as family members, especially children.

It’s good that you started a thread about it. A part of your brain is trying to protect you and is bothered by the prospect of having him back. I would listen to that little voice.

Starlightstarbright4 · 08/04/2025 22:04

Reread your post . This is no life - don’t lose your courage now to have a better life you deserve

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 22:06

We have none together and mine are 25, 23, and 21

OP posts:
Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 22:11

I have taken him back every single time more times than I can count over the years. This time was too much! I had a mental breakdown and then discovered the cheating. He completely disregarded my feelings. When he blacked my eyes I went to the hospital my mom got there after me and when she walked in she started crying and said I can't I just can't and walked out. It broke her heart to see her little girl that way.

OP posts:
Mrsknowitall · 08/04/2025 22:12

If not for yourself then do it for your kids, DO NOT LET HIM BACK! Although your kids are older they must hate seeing you put up with that, show them how strong you are

R053 · 08/04/2025 22:15

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 22:06

We have none together and mine are 25, 23, and 21

They would still be very worried for you though. I have a 22 and 19 year old and they would be stressed out of their minds if I got together with a man like that.

You are most likely in for a life of more break ups as violent blow ups and affairs come to a head and you reach a point of not coping with it.

Have you ever had counselling? I definitely would be pursuing that because just even considering such a man that you already know will bring you a lot of pain indicates that you have a lot of unprocessed difficulties from the past?

Hadalifeonce · 08/04/2025 22:16

What, exactly do you think would make you happy to have this man in your life?
Would the next time he physically abuses you make you happy?
How about the next time he is with another woman?
Or maybe the next time he humiliates you?
Cut this man out of your life completely. Block him from communicating with you, totally.
Do not look back.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 08/04/2025 22:17

No!!!!!

Bananalanacake · 08/04/2025 22:18

Did you call the police and have him arrested after he blacked your eyes. Don't ever take him back.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/04/2025 22:22

You should have ditched him when he first started taking drugs, or the first time he showed any violence to you. Better late than never though - ealk away and don't look back.

INeedAnotherName · 08/04/2025 22:23

Why do you want a violent and abusive drug addict in your life? Seriously, ask yourself what is so lacking in your life that you decide this is all you are worth.

Get therapy to unpick why you love him (you actually don't - look up trauma bonding) and then do The Freedom Programme so you can permanently escape. Don't have this violent waster in your life anymore.

anyolddinosaur · 08/04/2025 22:26

Of course not. If you are even thinking about it you need mental health counselling.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 22:33

Bananalanacake · 08/04/2025 22:18

Did you call the police and have him arrested after he blacked your eyes. Don't ever take him back.

I did call the police and he was charged with cdv 2nd degree. That was six years ago and after a while I did take him back and it was good for a while. Then he got back on drugs and I made him leave again. He got clean gained weight and looked great and I let him come back. He did great for years and now we are here

OP posts:
VexedofVirginiaWater · 08/04/2025 22:33

OMG why are you even considering this?

DorothyStorm · 08/04/2025 22:36

Through it all I've loved him.
This isnt love. This is trauma. Block his number. Get lots and lots and lots of therapy. Pray your children didnt see or know the abusive junkie and think that is normal.

FatLarrysBanned · 08/04/2025 22:40

Why do you think he'll be different if you take him back this time?

He's beat you black and blue, cheated on you and caused you and your family absolute heartache. Your poor mum seeing you in that state and you still stand by him.

He's an addict and always will be. He's only ever one hit away from the next relapse, and you know it will happen again.

hereismydog · 08/04/2025 22:41

No Confused why is this even a question?!

He’s an abusive, cheating addict. Why on earth would you want to waste another second of your life on this reprobate?