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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I allow my husband to come home?

107 replies

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 21:51

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. In that time he has gotten addicted to meth, been verbally physically and emotionally abusive. The first year of our marriage he got caught trying to get a female to go out with him. He comes back from that job with my name on his neck as proof of love and that he only wanted me. In one of his drugged out rages he gave me two black eyes and a concussion. He recently got back on drugs after years clean. He started with the mental games and abuse all over again and it was always my fault. Through it all I've loved him. This past weekend he got caught yet again trying to hook up with a female. He actually had the nerve to compare it to my ex walking into my place of work and me having to wait on him as a customer.Then said he did it to teach me a lesson. I made him leave and he tells me if I love him I will let him come home so we can work it out. I told him I wasn't saying never but I needed time to heal. He told me that if not then he was done completely and would never be back. He says we have been together too long for me to just throw it away just like that. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 08/04/2025 23:17

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 23:11

He's one of those people who are always right and always said that I was wrong and people who agrees with me only did so because they were my friends and family. This post was mainly to show him that even people who don't know me agree with me

He knows it's not ok to cheat and abuse women. He just wants you to feel crazy. So he'll tell you the grass is blue over and over until you do.

His only objective is to convince you to take him back so he can continue his reign of bullshit.

Don't show him your posts. It will not 'make him see'. It will only backfire with some shit about 'shqring our business with strangers'.

He.knows.he
Is .wrong.

THATS what YOU need to understand.
Wake up love! He's conning you. Stop trying to tell a lion it's a lion. That's totally pointless. And give it more chances to eat you for dinner.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 23:17

Shadesofscarlett · 08/04/2025 23:11

so why are you posting here

Honestly after reading all the comments I know I'm not wrong and quite a few of you have made me cry but the fact of the matter is you guys are being honest and in part I felt like I needed to hear the truth even if I didn't like it and to hear that I was right from people who have unbiased opinions

OP posts:
BeLuckySeal · 08/04/2025 23:19

Honestly this sounds so scary that you are still entertaining him. Your mum and children listen must be praying for you to make the right decision. This will cause them huge trauma. This man abused your child and your considering getting back with him? Honestly if you do you’re really massively letting them down.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 23:19

Sodthesystem · 08/04/2025 23:17

He knows it's not ok to cheat and abuse women. He just wants you to feel crazy. So he'll tell you the grass is blue over and over until you do.

His only objective is to convince you to take him back so he can continue his reign of bullshit.

Don't show him your posts. It will not 'make him see'. It will only backfire with some shit about 'shqring our business with strangers'.

He.knows.he
Is .wrong.

THATS what YOU need to understand.
Wake up love! He's conning you. Stop trying to tell a lion it's a lion. That's totally pointless. And give it more chances to eat you for dinner.

Show quote history

I love that you said that because that's exactly what he did and I stopped responding or answering him and have invested myself into reading the comments even if they hurt I need to hear them because I feel like it's helping me that people understand where I'm coming from.

OP posts:
unsync · 08/04/2025 23:21

Do not doubt yourself. Do not take him back. It sounds like you are in the US? Do you have domestic abuse services that support women to recover from abusive relationships and if so, have you asked for help? If not, please do.

Please also consider doing the Freedom Programme to help you learn why you have kept taking him back and how they manipulate you into doing so. It's powerful stuff and will help you learn from previous mistakes.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 23:22

unsync · 08/04/2025 23:21

Do not doubt yourself. Do not take him back. It sounds like you are in the US? Do you have domestic abuse services that support women to recover from abusive relationships and if so, have you asked for help? If not, please do.

Please also consider doing the Freedom Programme to help you learn why you have kept taking him back and how they manipulate you into doing so. It's powerful stuff and will help you learn from previous mistakes.

What is that and where do I find it?

OP posts:
Spandaupants · 08/04/2025 23:23

He’s hit you and has addiction issues and is a cheat. There’s likely to be so much more about him you don’t know.
Dont have him back, get help, work on your self esteem and why you keep giving him chances.
if you read 1000 letters from 1000 violent addicts they would all say exactly the same thing about how much they love you, how much they’ve changed / want to change, you’re all they need, those other women are nothing, it’s because he was angry, upset, in active addiction etc. he never meant to hurt you and is so sorry and feels so bad etc etc .
hes a walking cliche and you need to walk away from him before you end up dead xx

LimeQuoter · 08/04/2025 23:24

What he means is that if you are given time to heal, he will lose the control he has over you and will have to face up to his own shortcomings so he cant let you do that. Its much easier for him blaming you for all his troubles and everything that goes wrong. You have suffering for his problems and mistakes. Now, it's time to give the suffering back, to the person it actually belongs to. Him!

Safxxx · 08/04/2025 23:24

Unfortunately as long as his on drugs it just won't work, the cycle will continue so you've done the right thing, focus on your healing and once you've healed hopefully you will see it's for the best you got rid of him.

Spandaupants · 08/04/2025 23:27

I was with a guy like him many years ago, drugs, violent, cheat etc. he beat me black and blue. A previous girlfriend was already dead and the police moved me from my home for my own safety. He continued to beat up women he ‘loved’ long after I escaped him.
i was incredibly vulnerable.
i did the freedom programme and worked with women’s aid (twenty odd years ago)
I feel I had a lucky escape. I am not joking about how seriously at risk I was. You owe it to yourself and your children to save yourself and use all the help you can get

MotherJessAndKittens · 08/04/2025 23:30

Are you nuts? He is a bad untrustworthy weak violent male. Cut your losses and move on to a better less abusive future. I don’t know why you would ever consider going back with him?

SandyY2K · 08/04/2025 23:32

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 22:11

I have taken him back every single time more times than I can count over the years. This time was too much! I had a mental breakdown and then discovered the cheating. He completely disregarded my feelings. When he blacked my eyes I went to the hospital my mom got there after me and when she walked in she started crying and said I can't I just can't and walked out. It broke her heart to see her little girl that way.

This should be more than enough to never have him back.

Please don't become another statistic of femicide. It will break the hearts of your loved ones.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 23:36

You guys have no idea how much all of your comments are helping me right now. I needed to hear this. I know I'm not wrong but I needed to hear it from people who don't know me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/04/2025 23:37

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 23:22

What is that and where do I find it?

Show quote history

Have you ever had therapy did the issues with him?
I think that would be a good idea. I'm detecting some low self-esteem and he has probably contributed to that.

Take time to work on yourself and know that his behaviour isn't okay.

StripyPanda · 08/04/2025 23:43

i can’t believe u r even considering this? i’m speechless

ServantoftheBones · 08/04/2025 23:43

If that’s how your Mum reacted to black eyes, imagine the crippling pain she would have to go through if he killed you. She’d endure that unbelievable pain for the rest of her life. Is that what you want to do to her? If you can’t prioritise yourself against this vile abuser, think of your Mum. You’re her baby. She loves you unconditionally and always will. This excuse for a man doesn’t and never will. Please find it in yourself to get away from this man for good. Sever all ties emotionally and legally so that he can never hurt you again. Report everything. Keep yourself as safe as your mum would.

INeedAnotherName · 08/04/2025 23:45

I don't want him back.

That one sentence is all you need. Keep repeating it to yourself again and again and again. You don't need to give any reason except I Don't Want Him.

And get therapy for yourself.

ClairDeLaLune · 09/04/2025 00:03

Say “never” to him first. And mean it.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 09/04/2025 00:08

Since this post I have blocked his number and blocked him on every single social media account I could find

OP posts:
NautilusLionfish · 09/04/2025 00:09

Huggy2014 · 08/04/2025 21:51

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. In that time he has gotten addicted to meth, been verbally physically and emotionally abusive. The first year of our marriage he got caught trying to get a female to go out with him. He comes back from that job with my name on his neck as proof of love and that he only wanted me. In one of his drugged out rages he gave me two black eyes and a concussion. He recently got back on drugs after years clean. He started with the mental games and abuse all over again and it was always my fault. Through it all I've loved him. This past weekend he got caught yet again trying to hook up with a female. He actually had the nerve to compare it to my ex walking into my place of work and me having to wait on him as a customer.Then said he did it to teach me a lesson. I made him leave and he tells me if I love him I will let him come home so we can work it out. I told him I wasn't saying never but I needed time to heal. He told me that if not then he was done completely and would never be back. He says we have been together too long for me to just throw it away just like that. Am I wrong?

Even in his "pleas" to get back together he is being emotionally manipulative.
Would you rather waste 11 years or 12 or 40? Start drawing a line or lines under the 11 years. They are not wasted. They are a testament and an experience to move on from. Start planning the next year, next 11 years, next 20 years of living happily, safely, contentedly without him.

PS You know about the women he was caught with but not the ones he got away with. LTPOS

unsync · 09/04/2025 00:09

@Huggy2014 Info about it here. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ In the UK we are offered it when we get help from Women's Aid which is one of the large domestic abuse charities. If you are, as I suspect, in the US, look here to see if you can get help. https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence

Hold firm, do not let him back in. You deserve better. You can do this.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 09/04/2025 00:11

unsync · 09/04/2025 00:09

@Huggy2014 Info about it here. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ In the UK we are offered it when we get help from Women's Aid which is one of the large domestic abuse charities. If you are, as I suspect, in the US, look here to see if you can get help. https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence

Hold firm, do not let him back in. You deserve better. You can do this.

My mom just told me me that I had this. I'm just grateful to feel validated in what I believe is right

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 09/04/2025 00:14

WTF? Well done on blocking him. If he shows up tell him to fuck the fuck off to Fuck Off Land, and then when he gets there to fuck off some more. No, you don’t want a meth addicted, attempted cheating, abusive, piece of shit in your life. What on earth does he do that makes you want this pizzlestick?

Blackkittenfluff · 09/04/2025 00:16

Nope.

Original poster
Huggy2014 · 09/04/2025 00:40

I just purchased the online version of the freedom programme

OP posts:
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