Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

Honestly, I think what's best for my children is to have their dad in their lives and I feel responsible for taking that away.

If he has been so abusive that he is required to leave the family home because of harm to the children, then it is he who is responsible.

Does your therapist agree with this?

I don't know what my therapist agrees with. However I've spoken to 2 therapists about my relationship and neither have made a referral.
Trust me, I'm am worrying about my children. I feel like a complete failure that I have to put them through being spoken to by social services.

So you would rather your children witness continued abuse?

2 things:

1. Leaving him doesn't mean that your children will stop seeing him. In fact, they are likely to have a better relationship with both of you if they aren't scared of the abuse happening on a regular basis.

1. He has chosen to be abusive. That's not your fault.

Stop protecting him from the consequences of his shitty behaviour and focus on what you can change for the better. You are not responsible for his relationship with the children but you will be responsible for the emotional damage to them if you continue to allow them to be exposed to the way he treats you.

Accept the support offered and just fucking end it with him.

If they are privately funded they have a vested interest in not reporting concerns.

We still have no idea the level of abuse that's gone on. Social services want to keep family's together wherever they can support. They do not want children's mental health wrecked witnessesing domestic abuse mental or physical. That doesn't mean he won't be in their lives just that how that happens may look a little different. You were planning to leave him, would you have left the children with him ? Sadly many cases when the man can't access a woman to abuse he then begins on the children, even if you think there is no way, you'd be suprised how quickly things change after the control is gone. If you are being abused he is taking part of you away from your children wether you accept it or not. With your comments with womens aid being 'over cautious' I think at the moment you are very very naive and still in denial I would strongly advise you do the freedom programme because your current state of mind isn't going to help you or your children.

They are not. They were both arranged via my work within the NHS.

But what about them living in an abusive home? Your first post says that he is emotionally abusive, you've said that he gets angry and tells you to leave. How does that impact them?

You could use this thread to be really honest about what's gone on and work through and unravel everything to get your thoughts in order. Posters would then be able to help you better. You're anonymous, and free to tell the truth here, no one knows you. If you don't start to face up to facts it's going to be a mess when SS try and talk to you and help you. If your partner is abusive you need to face it and be honest with yourself and them.

i Commented up thread but your updates confirm my opinion. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
You seem more concerned with keeping up the facade of a happy family than your children’s emotional welfare.
If you don’t work with SS with total honesty and aren’t receptive to them
they can decide you are not protecting your children. The end result could be removal if you do nothing
Prepare to be a single parent. He can still have contact if it is deemed best for DC
Obviously this is the worst case scenario.

first of all ide like to say that you sound like a really good caring mum because the fact your worrying about your kids being taken away just shows you care otherwise you’d not be bothered.
secondly, social services can get called for all sorts of reasons it doesn’t necessarily mean your kids are going to be taken away they have to do risk assessments and see if the kids are in any danger and if they think the kids are then they take the steps they need to to safeguard them. social services were called on my friend once who’s child rolled off a bed and cracked there head open on the door frame and she called the ambulance in hysterics because of the blood and she didn’t know what to do being a first time mum so they called SS who only called her and asked her questions and then nothing else happened after that. i know it’s not the same thing but honestly try not to worry

And yet Women's Aid and Social Services have done exactly that by saying they need to interview him about it. It's downright irresponsible in these circumstances to start interviewing the father after a woman has gone to women's aid for advice. Now op has had to tell him exactly what she did and why, and this puts her in a more vulnerable position, even if there hasn't been any physical abuse (yet).

When my DP (now ex), made false allegations of dv against me, social services got involved, but they made out it was for other reasons and I was totally unaware of the dv allegations against me. I only found out by chance many years later when another social worker mentioned it during another investigation (due to ex partner neglecting the children that time).

I knew as soon as I started reading that the phrase ‘my children are my world’ would be used.

Its only ever used by people who know their children are being exposed to something wrong but they cant or won’t act
to protect them. It’s a means of gaslighting yourself.

Why would social services take your children
from the perfect home
youre describing?

why would an emotionally abusive man make a good father?

I'm guessing OP is possibly quite vulnerable herself and does not recognize what WA see as abusive behaviours and safeguarding concerns.

'She literally said "I refer to social services all time time" and then when I asked questions about the process, she gave me some patronising replies "why do you have a negative view of social services".

But you do have a negative view of SS, so she picked it up right?

I also think the first comment was to reassure you, rather than her being overly cautious, like a GP saying 'we'll send you for some tests' rather than listing the possibilities they are trying to rule out but have in mind for you. The thresholds for refereals are high and someone who does loads of them is fully aware of it.

Just to be clear, worst case scenario-

Social services CAN essentially force you to leave your partner by using child protection proceedings if you don’t (when they say it’s necessary for safeguarding).

Social services CANNOT get involved in child contact - ie they cannot stop your partner from having a relationship with his children. Often they speak in a way that makes it sound like they can, but they can’t. Women in DV situations are often then surprised when the father has contact/applies for contact and SS don’t ’say no’. They don’t have the power to say no. They won’t get involved in custody at all other than to do a report for court proceedings if requested by the judge. They have no decision making power in it.

Courts do not prevent contact on the basis of abuse between parents. The risk is deemed to have ended when the relationship ended.

This is so messed up. SS can make you leave your relationship due to risks but can’t protect your child from the risk of the dad by stopping unsupervised contact or restricting contact. It’s just bonkers.

To be fair it’s more a technicality - SS actually can’t force you to end your relationship either. Only a court can actually remove your children - however the norm is not to take that risk in the first place, so generally people comply with the requests to end the relationship rather than go through the child protection process that CAN lead to removal of children.

The threshold for making a safeguarding referral when a child is in the home can be incredibly low. I won't say that a referral is always the right call, but people are trained that it's what they have to do.

You don't need to tell the kids more than they actually need to know. A person is going to talk to them about their feelings and see if they need any help, and it's ok to say whatever they feel.

You can tell your husband the truth. You went somewhere to get advice about what would happen if you leave, and it raised concerns.

I don't believe that the threshold for a referral is always high. It's down to the individual to determine and open to bias. I work for the NHS and have had safeguarding training (I don't know much about the process beyond making a referral and thankfully have never had to). However in training we were always told that if in doubt "refer, refer, refer".

Does anyone know how long they'll speak with my children for? Hours? Several times?

I still haven't heard from the social worker. I almost expected a call first thing Monday morning when she was back off leave.

They will do everything they can to make it as easy as possible for your children. You'll have to see what unfolds. It may be be just once for a short time. If kids are spoken to at school, in my experience schools usually require a member of staff to be present for the well being of the child.

They have a massive caseload so you may not be anywhere near the top of her list. Can you make contact with her yourself to see what's happening?

Posters are reporting you (including me) because your posts are massively inappropriate. Mumsnet moderators are deleting your posts because they agree that your posts break talk guidelines.