Social services- any advice please

DoPenguinsHaveHips · 08/04/2025 15:39

Is your partner abusive?

Seawolves · 08/04/2025 15:41

Abusive men are not good fathers. Ever. The children are living in a home where there is emotional abuse and they will know about it no matter how well you think it is hidden from them. Use Women's Aid to get out of the situation you are in.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:43

It’s an investigation OP, and they are doing their job which is assessing what risk- if any- your children are facing.

Kindly, the average woman having relationship difficulties does not go to Womens Aid for advice, you were right to do so and now the process is to ensure your children are protected. That’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing, it’s not something to be scared of. Men who are abusive enough to have you at Womens Aid are not good dad’s, but unfortunately lots of women who are abused are blinded by that abuse and so their children end up exposed- SS are trying to protect your kids.

Hoppinggreen · 08/04/2025 15:45

If he isn't abusive why go to womens aid?
AND if what you told them wasn't abuse then why would womens aid (who I am sure have heard some awful things) refer to SS?

Oioisavaloy27 · 08/04/2025 15:46

You may think he's a good dad. The likelihood is that he isn't. Your children are having to witness abuse which is not great for their mental health.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/04/2025 15:47

To be fair what you have told them about your relationship with your partner has sent out warning signs to them and they now feel your children are at risk either physically or otherwise. You may be a fantastic mother but maybe are not seeing things as clearly as you should. You obviously felt there was a big issue to seek advice in the first place.

Nameftgigb · 08/04/2025 15:48

He is not a good father and you are not a ‘fantastic’ mother, forcing your children to grow up in an abusive household

pompey38 · 08/04/2025 15:48

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:23

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

“ I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave.”- you’re joking right? you stated he’s emotionally abusive, you went to Women Aid , what for? if you don’t want him to leave ?

Original poster

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:49

Honestly I'd never have gone there if I knew this would happen. She had no discussion around confidentiality and only told me about the referral as I got up to leave. As I said, there has been some emotional abuse and I was advised to go to them. Whilst I understand the children are in the house, they are separate and they aren't there to safeguard me, so I can't believe the referral was made.

They've told me nothing. Except that at some point we will all be spoken to. I've no idea where or when that will happen. No idea what to say to my kids and I can barely function with the stress. I have no idea about the process or what the outcome might be. I'm worrying about my partner (who doesn't deserve this), my children, my relationship ending and also where will I end up living when they make him leave.

OP posts:

NeverHadHaveHas · 08/04/2025 15:51

If you are allowing your children to be brought up in a household where they are witnessing abuse I don’t think you’re a fantastic mother. I’m sure you love them a great deal, but you’re not protecting them from the impact of being raised around abuse.

notatinydancer · 08/04/2025 15:51

if he’s abusive to you the children are DV victims.
You said he was emotionally abusive and the relationship is difficult,that leaves an atmosphere in the home.
WA would only break confidentiality if they had genuine concerns.

Original poster

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:51

pompey38 · 08/04/2025 15:48

“ I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave.”- you’re joking right? you stated he’s emotionally abusive, you went to Women Aid , what for? if you don’t want him to leave ?

Show quote history

To get advice for when I felt ready to leave. Not to get him into trouble. I thought they were there for advice and support.

OP posts:

Lovegame · 08/04/2025 15:52

Children who live in homes with an abusive adult are emotionally abused. Even if that abuse isn’t directed at them.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=xh1XmLghCws&pp=ygUSa2FsZWlkb3Njb3BlIGFidXNl

pompey38 · 08/04/2025 15:52

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:49

Honestly I'd never have gone there if I knew this would happen. She had no discussion around confidentiality and only told me about the referral as I got up to leave. As I said, there has been some emotional abuse and I was advised to go to them. Whilst I understand the children are in the house, they are separate and they aren't there to safeguard me, so I can't believe the referral was made.

They've told me nothing. Except that at some point we will all be spoken to. I've no idea where or when that will happen. No idea what to say to my kids and I can barely function with the stress. I have no idea about the process or what the outcome might be. I'm worrying about my partner (who doesn't deserve this), my children, my relationship ending and also where will I end up living when they make him leave.

Do you think they’ll advise you for the next X years when you’re ready to leave and allow kids to still live in an abusive environment? you shouldn’t fear social services but it’s clear you’re unhappy and feel trapped so they may be a blessing in disguise here, hopefully give you the push you need

Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:52

Your partner will only get exactly what he deserves here OP. You felt you were being abused, you were advised to speak to Womens Aid, you were already having chats about leaving. If your partner is found to have done no wrong then it’s no further action, if he is found to have behaved badly then he’ll suffer the consequences of his actions- either way, he gets what he deserves.

Your children are part of this, even if you don’t want to admit that to yourself, SS are looking out for them.

Seawolves · 08/04/2025 15:53

They ARE safeguarding your children. Whether you like it or not your children are exposed to abuse and they need someone to look out for them.

Original poster

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:54

I posted the thread for advice on the process as I'm terrified of what will happen. I didn't ask if social services are safeguarding, what are the effects of supposed abuse.

It looks like I won't be getting any advice on the actual question, so I'm just going to leave the thread.

OP posts:

Burntt · 08/04/2025 15:55

Get all communication in writing from SS. When I was looking into how to leave my ex SS got involved and told me if I didn’t leave they would remove my children as I would be deemed unable to protect them. I left in a rush without evidence of the abuse. He took me to court and SS refused to put their threats or concerns in a report we had a new SS do an assessment who saw no risk and so my abusive ex got unsupervised contact and my kids have suffered abuse from him since he changed from abusing me to the kids now he can’t hurt me. Every report I make is seen as malicious because I made accusations and couldn’t prove it in family court not all my accusations are deemed malicious. Anything my kids say to other people dismissed as mum putting words in their mouth. Was a fucking terrible couple years for my kids until he got a new gf/victim to palm them off on and now they are not being abused just witnessing it.

if I could go back in time I would get everything in writing with SS. I’d do a subject access request to everyone and anyone who may have evidence you could rely on to keep your kids safe when you leave. Woman’s aid, the HV, nursery any councilling you get etc etc. And plan to leave safely with the evidence your kids are best with you as resident parent. If WA made the refferal then there had to be concerns bad enough your kids are being harmed. My SS refferal didn’t come from woman’s aid and I was describing some serious abuse towards myself that the kids had witnessed and that wasn’t bad enough to get a refferal

Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:55

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:54

I posted the thread for advice on the process as I'm terrified of what will happen. I didn't ask if social services are safeguarding, what are the effects of supposed abuse.

It looks like I won't be getting any advice on the actual question, so I'm just going to leave the thread.

Edited

I’ve told you what will happen OP- they will investigate.

That means speaking to you all, potentially speaking to GP, school, nursery etc, getting a full picture.

From there they decide.

Original poster

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:57

Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:55

I’ve told you what will happen OP- they will investigate.

That means speaking to you all, potentially speaking to GP, school, nursery etc, getting a full picture.

From there they decide.

Show quote history

Thank you, you were the only one who actually addressed what I was asking.

OP posts:

fairgame84 · 08/04/2025 16:01

They usually go into school to speak to the kids.
They will get information from school, health and any childcare you use.
They will visit the home and speak to you about your routine, your upbringing, your relationships past and present, your relationship with the kids, your parenting style and the wider network of family and friends. It takes weeks for them to complete all this. IIRC they have 42 days to complete the assessment.
The also look in your child's bedroom to check sleeping arrangements and in your kitchen to check there is adequate food, or they did when I went through this in 2010.

AnotherNaCha · 08/04/2025 16:01

Oh dear, the system is a mess. I also reported my ex when still together / they couldn’t give two hoots about me and asked about any children. I said the same as you, he was a good father etc. Nothing else happened. His abuse to me ignored.

HOWEVER OP, cut to a few years down the line and we are separated. And guess what? His abuse is transferred to my child - as abusive men are just that. But because I’d previously said he was a good dad and hadn’t reported his abuse if me to the police, SS did not believe me or my child (who was as too scared to repeat what her father had done).

So I feel you are doing the right thing but are understandably scared witless by what he might do now he knows you’ve reported him. Hence the system being absolutely not fit for purpose.

At least now he knows you’re not scared to speak up. Only you are I’m sure.

Original poster

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 16:03

Burntt · 08/04/2025 15:55

Get all communication in writing from SS. When I was looking into how to leave my ex SS got involved and told me if I didn’t leave they would remove my children as I would be deemed unable to protect them. I left in a rush without evidence of the abuse. He took me to court and SS refused to put their threats or concerns in a report we had a new SS do an assessment who saw no risk and so my abusive ex got unsupervised contact and my kids have suffered abuse from him since he changed from abusing me to the kids now he can’t hurt me. Every report I make is seen as malicious because I made accusations and couldn’t prove it in family court not all my accusations are deemed malicious. Anything my kids say to other people dismissed as mum putting words in their mouth. Was a fucking terrible couple years for my kids until he got a new gf/victim to palm them off on and now they are not being abused just witnessing it.

if I could go back in time I would get everything in writing with SS. I’d do a subject access request to everyone and anyone who may have evidence you could rely on to keep your kids safe when you leave. Woman’s aid, the HV, nursery any councilling you get etc etc. And plan to leave safely with the evidence your kids are best with you as resident parent. If WA made the refferal then there had to be concerns bad enough your kids are being harmed. My SS refferal didn’t come from woman’s aid and I was describing some serious abuse towards myself that the kids had witnessed and that wasn’t bad enough to get a refferal

I'm so sorry to hear this, you must have had an awful few years. You often hear of stories like this and I have absolutely no trust in them whatsoever. I have spoken to my counsellor about my relationship and she didn't make a referral. The woman I saw at Womens Aid said "I make referrals all the time", so I'm not sure if she's just overly cautious as the children have never seen anything. Hence why I'm confused, because they don't safeguard me. Things haven't been ideal for a while and I'm in the process of saving for when I'm ready to leave. Everything is now completely out of my control.
Did social services also speak to your partner? Where did they speak to you all? Did they come to the house.

It sounds like a complete mess for you and they have completely failed you!

OP posts:

devonmum8 · 08/04/2025 16:04

Sadly, emotional abuse is incredibly damaging for children to witness and be brought up around. I work with children still dealing with the trauma it. It lasts.

Women’s Aid have done the right thing in referring to social services and chances are it would have been something to happen down the line anyway, if the children themselves disclosed what was going on (because they WILL know) at school.

Abusing a child’s mother (emotionally or otherwise) IS abusing a child. Ask yourself if your partner is modelling how you want your children to be treated in their future relationships in the way he is treating you. If you have a daughter, is he treating you in a way that shows her how a man ought to treat a woman? If you have sons, do you want them treating their future wives like this? It doesn’t sound like it, from the limited amount you’ve shared, and therefore I’d strongly advise cooperating with social services and making plans to end your relationship so your children can look back and know you did what was best for them.

You likely feel guilt now and are second-guessing about whether it’s ’bad enough’ to warrant all this. You’re probably frightened of his reaction. That’s all understandable…but please try to remember, something compelled you to seek advice from Women’s Aid. It must be bad enough.

Original poster

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 16:07

fairgame84 · 08/04/2025 16:01

They usually go into school to speak to the kids.
They will get information from school, health and any childcare you use.
They will visit the home and speak to you about your routine, your upbringing, your relationships past and present, your relationship with the kids, your parenting style and the wider network of family and friends. It takes weeks for them to complete all this. IIRC they have 42 days to complete the assessment.
The also look in your child's bedroom to check sleeping arrangements and in your kitchen to check there is adequate food, or they did when I went through this in 2010.

Thank you very much for the reply. I had a feeling they would want to know everything. You go from getting advice to being asked if you feed your children. These are the sorts of things I've been panicking about. I know my children have a lovely home, bedroom, plenty of food etc. I'm being scrutinised on everything. Looks like I won't be sleeping for weeks yet. I'm terrified they'll try and take my children.

OP posts: