Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

This was when he was abusive to my child. She visited him in his place and me in mine while child was with us.

I was also panicked but I don’t think it’s warranted at all.

You say "I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive." Your children have presumably lived with you during this difficult relationship and emotionally abused time? This is why they need to investigate to safe guard your children. They are not just going to take your word for it that they have been unaffected because they won't be unfortunately.
They will - contact - depending on ages - school/nursery/health visitors/ GP. Why not ring them and ask when they intend to get in touch with you and what the next steps entail instead of becoming more anxious waiting.
I don't believe a good father can be emotionally abusive to the mother of his children.

Op the very fact you can not identify what is an abusive environment for your dc to live in and what isn’t is a major SS flag. In order to look after them properly you need to see him for what he is.

Jesus Christ stop embarrassing yourself. Nowhere has OP said her abuse isn't real. We have to believe her. Do you know how many times it takes an abused woman before she finally leaves an abusive man on average? No you don't, because you're just shooting your mouth off for the sake of it on yet another thread.

I don't even pay attention to the IDs, everyone is here to participate
Now let us sidetrack the thread by having female online stalkers. Don't stalk me, woman. I am married happily. wtf

Sorry but your children don’t have everything they need if they live with someone who is abusive to anyone in the household.

It sounds like they are doing a Section 17 assessment. The statutory timescales for the assessment to be completed is 45 working days but many LAs do them before this timescale.

If it is Section 17 (I assume it is because they haven't seen the children yet) then they will need your consent to speak to any other agencies like schools, GPs, CAMHS, etc. They will speak to anyone with parental responsibility for the children regardless of how challenging it will make your relationship with the other parent. They should agree with you before the end of the assessment what the next steps are. Usually within an assessment period they visit about 3 times. You can ask them not to visit the children at school if you would prefer. Some social workers will agree to you being present for the initial visit to the children but they will need to speak to them alone as well.

Usually the social worker will do "direct work" with the children which is aimed at gathering information from them about their wishes and feelings, anything they're worried about, and the relationships within the home.

I would advise you to work with the social worker and women's aid to ensure your own safety and the safety of your children. For women's aid to make a referral to the children's services they must have been worried about what you told them.

Your feelings of anxiety and distress are possibly exacerbated by feeling unable to deal with the emotional fallout and abuse you anticipate from your partner as a result of speaking out - this is not normal! You don't deserve emotional abuse, it is not part of normal relationships, and there is help to stop it further damaging your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children. Please take it.

why you are deleting my message. This woman is following me and stalking me on MN

As someone who grew up in a household where the parents were abusive to each other, I would have loved to have been rescued from that.

Love isn't enough, they need a safe space.

And absolutely your partner deserves to face the consequences of his actions.

Already replied to you, Jane, Get a life, stop stalking me. I am happily married to man

If you are worried enough to want to leave and to seek advice from Woman's Aid, and WA are then worried enough to put in a referral to Social Services, something is obviously very wrong.

If he was a good husband and good father, you wouldn't be getting help and thinking of leaving.

I left my husband with the help of WA. It was a long time before I could see all the ways in which he had been abusive. You get numb to it. If you described your relationship to someone not living with abuse, they would probably see it more clearly.

You've just said he is abusive so....🤷🏼‍♀️

Your kids are living in an abusive home, so of course they’re going to want to check on their welfare.

You are choosing to stay in an abusive relationship, they don’t have the luxury of having that choice.

It is unlikely that they have major concerns because they’re not in a rush to see you.

Their job is to help.
They will see what impact it’s having on the kids and support they can offer/signpost.

The absolute worst case scenario for you would be to choose between your partner and kids, which I would assume is an easy choice.
But I cannot see that happening unless there is evidence of prolonged abuse.
They tend to do whatever they can so you and your partner can help yourselves become better parents.

Are you afraid of your partner finding out?

He is not a good father, and I make no apologies for saying you are NOT a fantastic mother. It’s not about providing material goods, or food on the table.
Its providing a safe, secure and loving environment for your DC to grow up into
Being in this toxic environment is emotionally abusing them. It’s not about YOU.
womens aid have referred to SS because they can see things you won’t or can’t acknowledge.
The best thing you can do, before you see your Social worker is to get rid of your partner. Show you can protect your children and they will be satisfied much sooner.

They are there to safeguard your kids. They made the right judgement call after hearing your story. Please wake up and listen to what is being said here - he is not a good Dad!! I know I am being harsh but many of us on here have been kids in a household where there parents “hid” their abusive relationship - but in reality it does not work like that. Your kids will know, they might just have a feeling that things are off - but they will know.
Leave him please!!

They’ll just do an assessment also I noticed how you said he’s not abusive to the kids but they really do hear and take on a lot more then you’d realise..

if they gave you an ultimatum to leave him would you? Put your kids first don’t even think about him he’s made your life this way you owe him no consideration

If he’s been emotionally abusive then he does deserve this

They are safeguarding your children, because you aren't. They called social services, and rightly so.

I’m sorry, what?!

I fully imagine there is more abuse that OP is either unable to process or us not aware is abuse.

Seen very similar said before. Sometimes on threats where an abuser has hit her but only once. Only to find out that other violence is frequent but that the OP has only been injured once therefore did not see it as violence.

You’re replying to yourself, you absolute maniac. 🤣

Obviously I hope it doesn't come to him having to leave. However, of course; if I had to leave him then I would. The children would always come first without hesitation. The children love him, he has a great relationship with them and takes them to school everyday. He also works from home, so sees them a lot generally. They'd be devastated if he wasnt allowed to see them.

But you were ultimately planning to leave anyway? That's why you went to women's aid?

I wanted to prepare myself and be ready for when I needed to leave. If he gets angry with me, he tells me I have to leave the house. It's all empty threats but if I had to actually leave, I'd have nowhere to go. I just wanted to be in a better position if the time comes.