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Original poster

Business trips after an affair

115 replies

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 16:39

My husbands affair was last May / June. They had an EA long distance (the ap lives in his home country, works for the same company as my husband). He told me on June 1st. On 4th June he had to go to a conference overnight, she was there and they slept together. I found out about a week later when the aps husband sent me proof.
That was the last time they saw each other. He has done all the right things since.
The same conference is coming up. His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time but she is an organiser of this conference and its important to his role.
He's willing to miss it but it'll be damaging to his job - which we rely on.
I'd like to figure a way I can be comfortable with him going, but it's hard. He's been doing all the work and I don't want him being resentful in the long run - I also don't want her feeling she's still important.
I'm thinking to ask him to send a Dr Kathy style email telling her out of respect and love for me he won't talk to her at the event and asking her to respect this. Making clear he will have to involve HR if she can't stick to the boundaries He's stating.
Is that a good idea or a bad one? Any other ideas?
Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 07/04/2025 16:44

I remember your first post and the hell you went through. Either go with him or he shouldn’t go - it will kill your mental health.

springbringshope · 07/04/2025 16:46

He told you on June 1 that he was having an EA and then had sec with her 3 days later? Huh?

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 16:48

springbringshope · 07/04/2025 16:46

He told you on June 1 that he was having an EA and then had sec with her 3 days later? Huh?

Yup. It was horrendous. I was so certain he couldn't possibly be with her knowing that I knew it all. I was in too much of a state to really think it through. It was brutal

OP posts:
Outofthepan · 07/04/2025 16:49

Don’t humiliate yourself by asking for such a letter. It won’t make a blind bit of difference. Nothing will.

If you stay with him mistrust and lack of peace is your life from now on. From my own experience. I had to leave in the end and it was such a massive weight off

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 16:56

AnonAnonmystery · 07/04/2025 16:44

I remember your first post and the hell you went through. Either go with him or he shouldn’t go - it will kill your mental health.

He's absolutely willing to not go, perhaps I'm overthinking it. We've worked hard (both of us) over this last 10 months and I feel like him staying gives a message that she's still a problem - to everyone involved.
I want a marriage where we can both go and do our own thing. Not one where he's faithful just because the opportunity isn't there.
Just maybe this is too far

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 07/04/2025 17:00

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne don’t be concerned with the message you send by him staying at home. Honestly I would not invite temptation into his path. You know how fragile your relationship is as you are tying yourself in knots about this, Your reaction is valid. Let him stay home this time, give it a bit more distance and time seeing as you are going through the process of rebuilding.

PissOffJeffrey · 07/04/2025 17:06

As the AP’s partner is also aware of the situation, it may well be that both her & your DH are at a secure place where they’ll just ignore each other anyway.

The most important thing is how you’re going to feel with him being there with her. If he were my DH I think I’d want him to have made the decision not to go, without asking me for my opinion.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 07/04/2025 17:09

Would HR really care if a member of staff spoke to a colleague during a work event?

nc43214321 · 07/04/2025 17:10

Does he have to stay over? Maybe go to conference but back home after evening meal so it doesn’t effect his work.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 17:13

MemorableTrenchcoat · 07/04/2025 17:09

Would HR really care if a member of staff spoke to a colleague during a work event?

We had issues in the first couple of months with her continuing to find ways to reach out him at work (she blocked on everything personal) it's why his boss is aware. Dh has been very clear he doesn't want any contact and she doesn't respect that at work. So his boss intervened as a first step.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 17:14

nc43214321 · 07/04/2025 17:10

Does he have to stay over? Maybe go to conference but back home after evening meal so it doesn’t effect his work.

It's abroad unfortunately, not doable in a day.

OP posts:
Dreamhaus · 07/04/2025 17:15

His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time

This is one of the most pathetic things I've read on here. Honestly if you're relying on his job (do you have your own income?) realistically you're going to have to deal with it- don't write her a letter though, don't humiliate yourself like that.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/04/2025 17:15

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 16:56

He's absolutely willing to not go, perhaps I'm overthinking it. We've worked hard (both of us) over this last 10 months and I feel like him staying gives a message that she's still a problem - to everyone involved.
I want a marriage where we can both go and do our own thing. Not one where he's faithful just because the opportunity isn't there.
Just maybe this is too far

Show quote history

Sends a message to who? Everyone who knows they had an affair? I'm sure they already have opinions about you still being together, so honestly I wouldn't worry too much about what they'll think if he doesn't go.

If you've decided to try to save your marriage, he doesn't go, simple.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 07/04/2025 17:36

Honestly this just sounds far too much too soon for you. Don’t worry about how you appear or trying to look like the “cool wife”. He had an affair and you are on rocky ground.
He should absolutely not be going.
I doubt his job is so unstable he can’t miss one conference. Maybe next year it will be different, but not this year. Given that it’s the very conference he committed the ultimate betrayal you are going to be so, so triggered, even more than you are even imagining right now.
Hopefully by this time next year she’ll have f-ed off out of the company, or he will have. But if not, that’s still next year’s problem and this is this years. You have to take each day and week as they come in affair recovery.

springbringshope · 07/04/2025 17:37

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 16:48

Yup. It was horrendous. I was so certain he couldn't possibly be with her knowing that I knew it all. I was in too much of a state to really think it through. It was brutal

Show quote history

I’m still struggling with this. He announced to you that there was a woman who was going to be on a business trip with him with him he had feelings for.

then he went and had sex with her??? Knowing that you would be worried that he would?

What kind of sinister compartmentalising can he do? Did he get some sort of thrill telling you just before he went to be with her?

WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM????

EilishMcCandlish · 07/04/2025 17:54

Ultimately, you cannot stop him deciding to cheat again if he chooses to, however many ways you try, whatever emails or letters you write. Deciding to reconcile after an affair is taking a huge leap of faith, and it is even harder when their job requires travel. At some point, even if the trust is different, you have to choose if it is enough for you.

I would not normally say this, as I think it can be seen as control or supervision, but could also be seen as presenting a united front, depending on the exact dynamic of your renewed marriage. Can you go too? Have a few days holiday in the same location before or after the business element, but be there throughout. Do your own thing while he is working and meet after work.

Specso · 07/04/2025 17:55

Please don’t get him to send her a formal ‘don’t talk to me’ email. That is so cringe and humiliating for you. Anyone who gets wind of it will be laughing behind your backs and so will she. I’d also advise he/you stop involving his boss in this situation.

Really he needs to find a different job but this is why it’s rarely a good idea to stay with a cheat. It turns you into a person you shouldn’t have to be and leads to behaviours that 5 years ago you’d have found unhinged.

Coughcoughcoughallthetime · 07/04/2025 18:01

I think given she persisted in trying to contact him after their affair finished surely the sensible thing is for him not to go to this conference?
Especially seeing as he has offered not to go.
Perhaps he himself is worried about how she will behave if they meet. And how he will respond.

ReesesCupcake · 07/04/2025 18:05

Why on earth has he stayed at the same company after putting you through an affair?

cosmicbabe · 07/04/2025 18:06

You lost me at “he’s done all the right things since”. Shame you haven’t…

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 18:08

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/04/2025 17:15

Sends a message to who? Everyone who knows they had an affair? I'm sure they already have opinions about you still being together, so honestly I wouldn't worry too much about what they'll think if he doesn't go.

If you've decided to try to save your marriage, he doesn't go, simple.

Show quote history

To me, him and her I suppose.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 07/04/2025 18:11

He needs to sit this one out. Too soon.

He was doing the 'right' things in confessing his EA the last time, then weirdly fell into the OW's panties.

He may be doing all the 'right' things now, but the evidence says his lack of self-control is staggering. It will be like rubbing butter on puss's mouth.

The OW was also still contacting him after her spouse found out, so no control there either. This has disaster written all over it.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 18:13

springbringshope · 07/04/2025 17:37

I’m still struggling with this. He announced to you that there was a woman who was going to be on a business trip with him with him he had feelings for.

then he went and had sex with her??? Knowing that you would be worried that he would?

What kind of sinister compartmentalising can he do? Did he get some sort of thrill telling you just before he went to be with her?

WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM????

Show quote history

It was a horrible horrible thing for him to do. He has done a lot of work to figure out why he made those choices and obviously I don't agree with them, but I have had to try and understand.
There are no excuses to be made for him, but I felt I had to try and most of the time I'm glad I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 18:15

Dreamhaus · 07/04/2025 17:15

His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time

This is one of the most pathetic things I've read on here. Honestly if you're relying on his job (do you have your own income?) realistically you're going to have to deal with it- don't write her a letter though, don't humiliate yourself like that.

I don't have an income, I am carer to our disabled son.
Financially though I'm secure enough that I'm not afraid to leave him. I wasn't when it happened but we've made changes as part of working on our marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 07/04/2025 18:20

ReesesCupcake · 07/04/2025 18:05

Why on earth has he stayed at the same company after putting you through an affair?

They work for a large company, and are based in separate countries. They only ever came in contact at trade fairs and conferences.
Its a complicated situation for him to move jobs for several reasons.
My thought process all along is that if we aren't secure in our marriage it doesn't matter where he works. It'd be different If they were in the same office but they aren't

OP posts:
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