Business trips after an affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husbands affair was last May / June. They had an EA long distance (the ap lives in his home country, works for the same company as my husband). He told me on June 1st. On 4th June he had to go to a conference overnight, she was there and they slept together. I found out about a week later when the aps husband sent me proof.
That was the last time they saw each other. He has done all the right things since.
The same conference is coming up. His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time but she is an organiser of this conference and its important to his role.
He's willing to miss it but it'll be damaging to his job - which we rely on.
I'd like to figure a way I can be comfortable with him going, but it's hard. He's been doing all the work and I don't want him being resentful in the long run - I also don't want her feeling she's still important.
I'm thinking to ask him to send a Dr Kathy style email telling her out of respect and love for me he won't talk to her at the event and asking her to respect this. Making clear he will have to involve HR if she can't stick to the boundaries He's stating.
Is that a good idea or a bad one? Any other ideas?
Sorry for the essay!

OP, I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague. Like you WE want to make it work, we will have a lot of work to do etc. One of the hardest things is trust though so I understand where you are at. He still works with her, and whilst we've agreed that he needs to change jobs, honestly it gives me no reassurance. Because that's the problem with cheating isn't it? She isn't in the same office as him and they still managed to put a wrecking ball to our marriage.

So to me it comes down to having that last tiny scrap of faith that they made a mistake and are genuine about it being over. Maybe in 10 months time I'll feel stupid for holding onto that scrap. Maybe all the women on here are right. But it's my choice to have that faith. I've said to my husband he can't go to any events she is at. That provides no guarantees but it's the tiny bit of control I needed in a situation I didn't ask for and didn't deserve, and whilst I know it doesn't mean he could meet up with her and lie to me, it's just what I need. And that's OK, to say in this case your needs come first.

I did post upthread OP, but I just read your previous post of last year now.

This man has put you through hell. And you seemed to have responded to everything with such grace and dignity, and I cannot see how he is worth that.

It is all about him isn't it. What he wants when he wants it.. moves out, then goes on holiday, then asks you to join him on holiday, moves back in, doesn't change jobs as he said he would back then.

Where do you fit in apart from having to just deal with the aftermath of every blow?

I hope the finance side you referred to back then is still just as strong now. Really, have a think where you fit in here now, as all I can see from what you have said, is that this is how life is going to be forevermore going forward.

He is not more important than you.
His feelings are not more important that yours.
You have a say here. He is railroading you as he is just all about me, me, me.
Actions and not words are what you need to focus on.

If he's going to cheat he will do it anyway, but oh well, he can leave then. I won't be blamed for his poor choices.

I’ve read your previous post. You come across as incredibly strong and with good self-worth despite your husband’s best efforts. I think the reason he came crawling back is you accepted his decision to walk away and truly envisioned a life without him where you were happy.

I don’t blame you for feeling insecure about this trip. You should. History has shown you he will say he is committed to working it out and then do the opposite when given the opportunity. He also didn’t tell you what happened but instead rewrote history and said he didn’t love you anymore so he could feel justified in his actions.

He is a weak man and you have had to accept that. Maybe this time will be different and he means what he says but it’s not your fault you doubt it. And don’t kid yourself because you do doubt it. If you didn’t you would be happy for him to go and completely ignore her. If anything that would prove to the OW she meant nothing and blew up her marriage for a fickle man who told her he loved her and then took it back.

Having said that, your husband should have refused to go and not even told you so you didn’t have to think about this and relive the trauma. It’s not fair to make it your decision.

Hi op, been cheated on many years ago by current partner. It was horrendous.

It was in a different country and I still found out eventually. not being able to confront him about straight away was even harder.

I decided eventually that I could not control what he was doing and allowed ourselves to carry on with our lives normally. I could not be with him everywhere and at all times so for my mental health I had to accept that of anyone wants to cheat on their partner they would do it anyway.

Be mindful though that the healing process is very long and painful. And I did wish at times I had left him back then.

I think him not deciding all by his little self that he won't go to the conference would be the end for me. What "work" has he really done if he hasn't got enough self awareness and respect for you to just do that of his own accord? And he would have a fucking nerve to suggest missing a conference would damage his career, when you're the carer for your disabled son.

I also side-eye his story that she was harassing him. Surely she would have lost her job if it was to the extent that his boss had to intervene. Something's not right with that story.

It takes years (three minimum, by the stats) for a marriage to heal from an affair - if it can even be achieved at all (the vast majority of reconciliations fail). You’re 10 months in. Startlingly too soon

True. However, how is that a problem for the workplace? They have to put in workarounds for 3 years to accomodate this? Essentially, the DH has told his workplace he can’t attend any conferences etc, where she also has to be, due to their roles, for - what, 3 years, forever? - because that’s how long it takes to get his marriage back on track after sleeping around outside of it? And an employer is meant to accomodate this 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It sounds like you really want to give him the benefit of the doubt… that you believe he has worked on himself to become trustworthy again. Unfortunately, the only way to know this is by giving him the space to demonstrate it.

Of course this also means giving him the space to hurt you again. Just prepare yourself mentally, for whatever you decide… I was in a similar situation once and looking back it was always destined to fail, yet I kept wanting to keep the relationship alive. In the end, I found a connection with someone else and started my own EA

Having been in a similar situation, I would let him go. If he can't trust himself to be around her then that speaks volumes.

Hope you're doing okay OP

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne if he has offered to not go and you would prefer him not to go, then he doesn’t go.
We have to work to pay the bills, but nobody’s job is worth sacrificing a marriage for. There are other jobs and he could get one. Not easily or straightaway, of course not, but he could start looking now if the job and its triggers are slowly destroying your marriage.
My husband had an affair and in 35 years together at the time I never, ever vetoed what job he took and he did the same for me. If we needed to relocate, we did and the other one of us got a new job in the new area.
His affair happened when he got a new job which was a long train commute from our home. It was easy to conceal because it all happened 70 miles away. After the affair ended he was looking for a better job anyway, and I was supporting him in that. I thought I could cope with him still working in that city, until we went for a day out there with the kids.
It was about 3 months after the affair ended.
We were on the train he used every day for work and seeing him in the seat next to me, on the train, made me feel sick. If the kids hadn’t been with us I would have got off at the next station and gone home. I had no idea I would feel like that, it was a huge trigger and I realised I wouldn’t be able to cope with him commuting there any more, it would make me ill. It wasn’t going to be forever, it was just too soon for me to deal with it.
He’d got the job, was due to start in a couple of weeks and had to turn it down after accepting it, which obviously wasn’t great. Despite everything I felt bad saying I couldn’t cope with it, hated having to say it.
He gave it up without a murmur, it was a brilliant job and he was absolutely gutted, but he just said that I shouldn’t ever feel bad about it, he’d ruined everything, it was his fault he couldn’t currently be trusted and all his fault abd to his eternal shame that even a train journey could upset me so much. He didn’t blame me for that or any of it and could see that to save our marriage, he had a lot to do and was determined to prove to me he’d do anything I needed. He only had himself to blame and he knew it.
It’s not even a year since you found out. If you need it, he should be willing to do it and looking to move jobs as soon as possible if that’s what you need.
It’s your life and your marriage. If he’s willing to do anything to help you and prove he is there for you, let him. It’s not an unreasonable request until you feel more comfortable.

Thanks so much everyone for your help. I had a therapy appointment yesterday and that helped too. He had said he wouldn't go if i didn't feel comfortable and I don't feel comfortable so he won't go. I'm not going to overthink it anymore. Whatever difficulties or discomfort that brings him is just a consequence of his choices. Maybe next year will be different, or we can plan for me to join him then but for this year we'll just take the path that's easiest for me. Thank you all, your comments really did help.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I am really glad for this outcome. Did he take your decision gracefully? I am glad you don’t have to worry. You had good advice on this thread and I really hope your husband can help with the children so you can get a taste of work place and being your own person, I have really feel for you every step of your painful journey across both posts. I hope whatever happens in the future, you find happiness and peace, with or without your husband x

Thank you so much for being so kind.
Yes he was completely OK with staying, at least to me. I know it'll be tricky for him with work but I'm grateful he's kept that away from me.
I miss working dreadfully. I've been keeping busy with a degree thats almost done (ou) and as a charity trustee but keen to get back to work- especially now. Logistically it's hard to do but looking at options :)

I'm so glad he isn't going. Hope you get a job that suits you soon!