Business trips after an affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husbands affair was last May / June. They had an EA long distance (the ap lives in his home country, works for the same company as my husband). He told me on June 1st. On 4th June he had to go to a conference overnight, she was there and they slept together. I found out about a week later when the aps husband sent me proof.
That was the last time they saw each other. He has done all the right things since.
The same conference is coming up. His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time but she is an organiser of this conference and its important to his role.
He's willing to miss it but it'll be damaging to his job - which we rely on.
I'd like to figure a way I can be comfortable with him going, but it's hard. He's been doing all the work and I don't want him being resentful in the long run - I also don't want her feeling she's still important.
I'm thinking to ask him to send a Dr Kathy style email telling her out of respect and love for me he won't talk to her at the event and asking her to respect this. Making clear he will have to involve HR if she can't stick to the boundaries He's stating.
Is that a good idea or a bad one? Any other ideas?
Sorry for the essay!

I think he should miss the conference this year.

He's the one who screwed up, so he's got no right to play the "it'll hurt my career" card or resent you for not being ready for him to go back to the "scene of the crime". He's the one that's messed things up by fucking someone in that role and ending up having to get his boss involved in it all.

None of this is on you, and you shouldn't have to swallow down more of it.

Hopefully you'll be in a better place for next year, but it's far too soon.

This - he should miss the conference. It’s just asking for trouble otherwise. No matter what HR may think

I'd let him go and stay at home getting my ducks in a row. You'll realise eventually that you deserve better. You have to do this for yourself though.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne is this the husband who told your children he no longer loves you and the relationship is over ? He shouldn’t be going to the conference this year .

It seems absolutely insane to me.that missing one conference could damage his career and yet his boss knows about the affair and is orchestrating it so they don't meet up.

so op but I don’t think sending her a letter is helpful. I think you need to be able to trust him

I’m cringing at the whole situation. He isn’t a child and your idea of him writing “please stay away from me, I love my wife lots and lots” is awful. How humiliating.

You either trust him now or you don’t. If you don’t, then end things. It sounds like an awful situation that he can’t attend a work conference because you’re worried he’ll fall into her bedroom.

100% this.

He can't go, even if you trust him, it's not fair to put you through the mental turmoil and renewed humiliation of it all.

Him not being able to go and potential affect on his career is all on him and his actions. He wasn't professional enough to keep his dick in his pants at a work conference and behave appropriately around a colleague, so he can't go.

Persoanlly if I was the boss I'd ban them both this year.

I mean how humiliating. His boss has kept them apart

Is it worth it? I can’t believe that there’s not better life got you x

its all ridiculous. He's either going to cheat again (he couldn't help it) or he isn't.
that's what happens when you stay with a cheater.
I did.
First affair 4 years in. Several during the 37 years together. Every time it was 'my fault' (when he got caught) and every time I did the 'Pick Me Dance'.
The last one was it for me (aged 59 ).
He liked having 'cake'.
The result was my self esteem had been destroyed (but I didn't know it at the time).

I divorced him and I'm 3.5 years post D Day.

Please read Chump Lady book 'Leave a cheater gain a life'. And go to her podcast 'Tell me that you're mighty'.

If I hadn't seen her book recommended on here a day after I kicked him out , I would still be living with the 'buried fear' and it affected me deeply in a really negative way.

Now I am free it's all gone.
post infidelity PTSD is a real thing and it really affects us.
All this 'get the boss to this ' and 'get HR to do that' is ridiculous.Why? Oh he'll be tempted?!!
Come on. This is not emotionally healthy on any level. I bet he's deep down revelling in the anxiety it's causing g you as it gives him something.
Let him go to the conference.
And read Chump Lady whilst he's away.

His Boss has ensured she's not present on his business trips so that he is comfortable attending

I think for me to consider staying with him I’d have needed him to at least change his job. Trust is a massive issue in a relationship he messed up massively didn’t he.

This is nuts. If be mortified if my boss was involved so much in my personal life. He needs to get a new job.

He is mortified. He deserves to be mortified about it.
But if he were female, and a male colleague who she'd been involved with was harassing her at work after she'd clearly ended it, we would expect the company to step in. I don't see this as any different. She wouldn't leave him alone, she was using work communication tools and time to pester him. Ita appropriate that work deals with that- even if its his own fault he got involved with her in the first place. Being told to stop should have been enough.

This is so embarrassing for all
involved. Do not send a letter…

This is why I could not stay with someone who cheated on me.

Honestly I would not invite temptation into his path.

You know, I would. I mean, not in a honey trap type way, but I’d let him go. If it’s going to take never meeting temptation for him to remain faithful, the marriage is fucked, it’s a matter of time until he finds some somewhere.

I cannot imagine even beginning to want to forgive this and in some ways it’s admirable that OP has, but it’s all for nothing if it relies on her/his boss/anyone else to keep him inline.

No letter to her will make a difference - that’ll just be a massive flag that she’s still an issue. Nobody would send that type of message off their own back, and nobody would doubt themselves enough to send it if they weren’t avoiding temptation. If this was a horrific mistake and it meant nothing to him, he’d be able to remain civil and close down any contact professionally, if he needs to do so.

He shouldn’t go.

why wasn’t she fired for harassment then?

I think your husband should not have disturbed your peace like this. He should have gracefully declined the conference, not mentioned it to you and let you have some peace. It was a series of choices he made to get into this position so the consequence is he cannot go on the work trip. End of.

He needs to get a new job. That should’ve been a condition of you staying with him.

This is just mortifying @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

Your husband policed not to shag his colleague

He needs to give the conference a miss, in fact if he was truly working on your marriage he’d have realised this and made the decision all by himself and not even raised the subject with you, essentially trying to make you the bad guy by making it your decision.

Missing one conference can’t possibly be any worse for his career than his boss having to babysit him to make sure he and a female colleague don’t cross paths at work because he can’t keep his dick in his pants.

Exactly. How come she cam harass him and not get fired and yet missing one conference is detrimental to his career?

What a pathetic man he is. Needs managing like a toddler. What a loser. Why are you putting up with this tommyrot? He's ridiculous and you shouldn't have to put up with him.

Yes.

get some self respect @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

you obviously don’t trust him, and nor should you