Business trips after an affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husbands affair was last May / June. They had an EA long distance (the ap lives in his home country, works for the same company as my husband). He told me on June 1st. On 4th June he had to go to a conference overnight, she was there and they slept together. I found out about a week later when the aps husband sent me proof.
That was the last time they saw each other. He has done all the right things since.
The same conference is coming up. His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time but she is an organiser of this conference and its important to his role.
He's willing to miss it but it'll be damaging to his job - which we rely on.
I'd like to figure a way I can be comfortable with him going, but it's hard. He's been doing all the work and I don't want him being resentful in the long run - I also don't want her feeling she's still important.
I'm thinking to ask him to send a Dr Kathy style email telling her out of respect and love for me he won't talk to her at the event and asking her to respect this. Making clear he will have to involve HR if she can't stick to the boundaries He's stating.
Is that a good idea or a bad one? Any other ideas?
Sorry for the essay!

If she finds out.

"I also don't want her feeling she's still important"

Sounds like she is and sending a letter would confirm that she is important. Not read your previous thread but was she really harassing him at work because that would be a disciplinary issue? Or has your husband claimed that's what happened?

I know some of you are trying to help the op with “tough love” but I think some of it is going to far. She came on for help, she’s in a vulnerable position and some of these posts will just drive the op away when at this moment they need a bit of kindness and support. Come on ladies, let’s just give her just that x

I think that if he’s going to cheat again he will do so whether he goes to the conference or not. I just don’t think that you can police him in that way, OP. You either trust him or you don’t. You can’t live your life always feeling afraid of what he might do when he’s out of sight, you’ll end up sick with stress.

What constitutes kindness and support @AnonAnonmystery ?

@Outofthepan not speculating the the h is still shagging the ow amoungst other things.
I don’t disagree with the sound and pragmatic advice but there’s just a way of doing it.

Firmly disagree. Life tells otherwise. You are entitled to your opinion, I to mine. The @Allthegoodonesareg0ne asked 🤷🏼‍♀️

No you absolutely can’t ask for her to be sent a letter.
If your husband attends the conference and reconnects with this woman again then I really hope that you end your marriage this time around.

I remember your previous threads of last year and you’ve been through so much hurt and upset and now this conference rears its head and you’re still in limbo.

Last year your husband’s behaviour was fairly obvious when he was distant and dismissive of you whenever he was around her. So I suppose you will see the same signs again if he returns and behaves in a similar manner. But it’s not a great way to live without trust.

I hope things get better for you going forward.

If he genuinely has asked/told her not to contact him at work and she continues to do so, it’s sexual harassment and he should be reporting her to HR.

If it was the other way round and he was contacting her against her will, people would be encouraging her to report and vilifying the man. Actually, if it was the other way around, some people would be suggesting the man had coerced or manipulated the woman into cheating.

It takes years (three minimum, by the stats) for a marriage to heal from an affair - if it can even be achieved at all (the vast majority of reconciliations fail). You’re 10 months in. Startlingly too soon.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne Will you ever truly trust him? Ever?? I think this will eat away at you and make you miserable. Why are you trying to save a marriage to a man who treated you with such disrespect.

I think he needs to skip the conference, to reassure you and also to avoid his ap, as she obviously didn't accept that the relationship was over when he ended it.

She could create a scene at the event, which could be a lot worse for your husbands career than not attending.

He doesn't go - it's too soon and too traumatic for you. He should be looking for another job.

I ask the same thing

Seems the women are being blamed in this scenario and he is just the poor man (who got caught).

If the other woman was harassing him why wasn’t she disciplined/fired? Why are they just kept apart. Can’t imagine how cringey that must be having to have your boss involved in your sordid affair.

If it’ll hurt his career not to go yet it could end his marriage if he does! Simple solution is he phones in sick and stays home with his family. Agree no excuses. He should be finding a new job.

I can see how a company / boss steps in to stop harassment and probably how it was not consider bad enough for her to be fired. It depends on exactly what was said/happened. But then the company should be saying we've dealt with the immediate problem now it's back on you both to act professionally. I can't believe his boss has stopped her attending meetings as a way to handle this - that's crazy and she could have grounds for complaint if the harassment/personal contact has stopped since discipline.

Ultimately his job is not the problem, his behaviour is. If he can't behave himself in a work environment then honestly he'll cheat again maybe not this time but another. God he needs to grow up and be professional. As a boss if I was still having to get involved in this shit I'd be losing patience.

His Boss has ensured she's not present on his business trips so that he is comfortable attending

As a manager, I’d be pretty gobsmacked at this whole scenario. Basically being asked to step in, in case DH feels he can’t control himself again? I’d suggest he left if he needed me/HR to do that. If he knew he could control himself then why would I be asked to step in to stop them being in the same place at conferences if their job roles dictated they should be there? If it was a case of true harassment on her behalf then she should be fired but as she has not been, I wonder if this is the case.

Ok. Let's all pretend this is normal and healthy for any woman to endure.

The casual cruelty of her h is appalling.

And the mental gymnastics the op feels she must now endure forever every time something like this conference comes up is torture.

The short answer is that you don't trust him OP.

You would not be suggesting these ridiculous ideas (writing a letter, really?) otherwise.

Even if she does approach him at the conference, he is a grown assed man who can surely say no and walk away from someone. But the fact you and he feel you needed to involve everyone else and write letters, just shows he is not capable of saying no and walking away. You and his bosses have to do it for him. Can you not see this is just simply ridiculous.

He seems a weak man who expects others to do his dirty work and he carry on as normal. You say he has put in the work blah blah. If he has put the work in to the right places then he would be telling you that he comfortable enough to go and brush her off. But he hasn't. What does that tell you.

You say your finances have changed somewhat now... So in the back of your mind you may be considering a future which does not include him. Put your focus into this, as you just cannot continue your life like this. Mentally this is exhausting and you cannot keep this up.

He sounds like a spineless coward and you deserve so much better.

The price for saving our marriage and me being willing to give him a chance (if I was) would be that he doesn't do any travel away for work. If he has to change roles or careers, he has a choice to make. If you have an affair you have to do whatever it takes to make the person you cheated on feel safer and win back some trust.

A guy like this one would probably see this as an excuse to cheat again and blame the OP for driving him to it with controlling and nagging. They know all the tricks in the book.

I am not buying the whole ‘she harassed him’ rubbish. It’s how he has portrayed it to look to minimise it and his role in this. The fact is he chose to sleep with her. The issue is not
her so much as it is him.

are you not mortified that he is a grown man and his wife and boss are having to run around making things better for him because he can’t stop himself from putting his dick in random women?!

I could not be married to this. See a lawyer and find out how you would fare financially. As a full time carer for a child with additional needs, you will have a strong argument for a greater than 50% share of the pot as well as spousal
mainrenance.

No I don’t normalise it at all. I’ve been in that situation before, it wasn’t sustainable for me and luckily for me, my pain turned to anger .
Op isn’t bringing up leaving as an option as she’s trying to save her marriage and it should be him trying to save it. As I’ve said up post, he should have declined the conference and not disturbed the op with it making her re-live the pain over and over again. He is selfish and always has been, It’s too much too soon.

I’ve just read your previous original thread OP. I think you need to find the strength you had when he left and let him go to the conference. Let him go and quake at the thought that you might decide to leave him. Let him go and suffer the humiliation of being in the room with this woman. Let him go and be strong as you were before that you can survive, have a great life without him and he’ll be the broken one.

Honestly, you cannot live your life in fear - harness your strength again as I fear you are losing it and let him be the one to suffer, not you. Your previous thread proves you have the resources and emotional resources to survive very well without him if he became the spineless idiot he was before..