Business trips after an affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husbands affair was last May / June. They had an EA long distance (the ap lives in his home country, works for the same company as my husband). He told me on June 1st. On 4th June he had to go to a conference overnight, she was there and they slept together. I found out about a week later when the aps husband sent me proof.
That was the last time they saw each other. He has done all the right things since.
The same conference is coming up. His boss has been supportive so far on ensuring they aren't in the same place at the same time but she is an organiser of this conference and its important to his role.
He's willing to miss it but it'll be damaging to his job - which we rely on.
I'd like to figure a way I can be comfortable with him going, but it's hard. He's been doing all the work and I don't want him being resentful in the long run - I also don't want her feeling she's still important.
I'm thinking to ask him to send a Dr Kathy style email telling her out of respect and love for me he won't talk to her at the event and asking her to respect this. Making clear he will have to involve HR if she can't stick to the boundaries He's stating.
Is that a good idea or a bad one? Any other ideas?
Sorry for the essay!

The company cannot protect him on the account of two grown ups choosing to have an affair. If it's detrimental to his job not going, the same could be said for her situation and they are 'taking sides' with your husband, despite saying she was harassing him. She should have been investigated for the harassment using work devices. This would be gross misconduct. If HR had enough evidence to do an investigation they would have. He could be telling you all sorts. He's lied to you before. You don't know how their careers will pan out with promotions etc so all round it's best of he leaves. The company cannot facilitate job promotions or moves just for people who are silly enough to have affairs at their workplace.

And here you are, ten months on, still being tortured by his foul behaviour and subsequent lack of trust. It will never leave you.

It's just dreadful what he did to you.

And it's utterly mortifying his boss is involved to keep the two of them separated. Christ.

What is it about this bloke that is so special that you have to consider the humiliation of writing her a letter telling her to keep away in case your h can't resist her and falls in bed with her again?

And this stood out for me ..... but I have had to try and understand. No, you have not had to try and understand anything beyond the incredible pain your h has caused you for his own utterly selfish and superficial desires.

This won't end. You will never be mentally free if you stay with him. You'll have to constantly plan ahead to make sure this woman is not around him.

Life is meant to be far far far better than this.

He doesn't go. If that has negative consequences for his job then so be it. That's the price he pays for betraying his wife.

He shouldn’t go and you both should strongly consider him giving up his career to stay home and look after your disabled child, while you go out to work.

I think it would be invaluable to your self esteem and mental health for YOU to have your own income and allow yourself that time and space and independence to decide if this marriage is really what you want. But I can see how that would be tricky when you are tied to the home because of your child and your H is out working and travelling and shagging OW.

You potentially have decades left of life to live and you don’t want to be second guessing what he’s up to every time he leaves the house. If he really wants to “do the work” let him be the one taking care of your child at home, because you are trustworthy and can leave the home without “accidentally” fucking one of your coworkers.

Why on earth are you still with such a rat?

What do YOU want to happen? This is the ONLY thing he should be focussed on

Unless this conference is linked to getting ‘sales’ and it would therefore damage his performance directly, I don’t see how missing a conference would have any long term impact on someone’s career. I work in corporate, there are many conferences, live happens and sometimes someone can’t attend. There’s a lot of emphasis attached to being good for your profile re attending conferences, networking etc but again doesn’t have any longer term significance if you are good at your job anyway.

Jesus this sounds harsh and I’m sorry for that but where is your dignity??

Unfortunately this is the consequence of staying when you have been cheated on.
Personally I'd let him go, he either still wants to fuck her or he doesn't.
If he does the same thing again then you know what needs to be done, question is will you be capable of doing it this time?

You’ll never have one, once a cheater , always a cheater, especially when he’s forgiven . You’re wasting your time , sooner or later he’ll do it again and it’s back to square one

So his AP is more important than your marraige.

His job is more important than your marraige.

This conference is more important than your marraige.

His boss now has a role in your marraige ffs.

I can't think of any absolutely essential conferences in any industry but am open to correction.

Why he didn't just book annual leave to avoid it is beyond me. He could have easily and discreetly avoided it altogether.

I wouldn't put up with him for 5 minutes.

Men aren’t complex creatures. He wanted to have sex with her, He thought he’d get away with it because your dependant on him and he’s right.

All this counselling just makes the counsellors rich.

This is quite possibly one of the most off-putting and revolting things I have ever read on here. He needs his boss to intervene so that he doesn't get tempted to cheat on his wife. This man is a lost cause. Get him as far away from you as you can.

I don't believe this is true. He's told her that and she believes him but he probably made it up.

I remember your first post Op and I’m glad you’ve managed to build some financial independence.

I want a marriage where we can both go and do our own thing. Not one where he's faithful just because the opportunity isn't there.

It sounds like you’re not there yet. 10 months is still early days, it could take years to rebuild this level of trust and it may never come back.

What’s striking in your post is that she’s apparently virtually stalking him - I’m assuming you’ve seen the evidence of this and not just taking his word for it? If that’s really the case and you believe he genuinely wants nothing to do with her, then logic follows that he’d have no problem seeing her in person as he’d be able to tell her in his big boy words to leave him alone. But getting him to write an email telling her to leave him alone in advance seems merely performative for you, not her and reads more like an open invite to the OW that she’s still significant to him and if you weren’t around he’d be with her like a shot.
Bottom line, it seems to me that no matter what he’s doing and saying you still don’t trust them to be together, and if he goes to the conference you’ll simply never have conclusive proof that nothing happened between them - whilst also opening up the opportunity to rekindle.

Given what happened last year, I think it would be pretty traumatic for you if he goes. Unless it’s literally career ending for him not to go, he should make the decision not to go. You shouldn’t have to tell him not to go, you shouldn’t get him writing performative emails, or having to go with him to check up on him. He needs to call this himself - it’s a direct consequence of his actions.

I’d put money on the fact that he’s still shagging her

Possibly because she’s full time carer to their disabled child?

What? Make him quit work so he won’t be tempted to stray? What on earth is the point? If it gets to that stage, there is only one choice to make - you have to leave. Policing someone to such a degree is just insane.

I think he’s manipulating you into encouraging him to go. The talk about it impacting negatively on his job while he is prepared to stay home. I don’t believe it. Tell him you’ve thought it through and decided you don’t want him to go and watch him change his tune. Suddenly he will “have to go” for one reason or another and make you into the unreasonable one.
People don’t get into trouble at work for not attending conferences.

Absolutely this
If he really cared about your feelings he would have made the decision not to go this year.
Op I really hope your ‘d’ h doesn’t disappoint you

So if your marriage is going to work then surely your DH should go to the conference, time to put his money where his mouth is and earn your trust again. And of course if he cheats again then you know it’s time to end it.

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough in my previous post.

Currently the OP is trapped in a marriage with a cheater because she can’t work as she’s the full time carer to their disabled DC.

When a person and their child is financially dependent on their cheating spouse, it severely limits their options.

If the OP is the wage earner and the H is at home being the carer, the OP will have the financial freedom to make decisions about whether she wants to spend the rest of her life married to a cheater, or whether she wants to start afresh. Being independent rather than dependent comes with huge psychological benefits, as well as the monetary ones and gives confidence and a sense of self-worth, and getting these benefits would likely encourage the OP to realise she can do better than a lying cheating H.

The fact that he would no longer be attending overnight conferences with the OW is just a side benefit.

I’d just let him go, you’re never going to stop all temptation. Otherwise, you’re just kicking the can down the road. They’ll be next year, the year after etc.

I do think he’s been shitty to make it your decision though, why didn’t he just quietly decline?

This bit isn’t meant to be mean but I really hope you find your worth. What a terrible thing to go through and I firmly believe that once someone monumentally hurts you, there’s no going back. It’s broken & can’t be fixed.

Wishing you the best op x

So.. she just needs to accept it? That’s your answer? Honestly. Single parents manage with disabled children. If they were divorced he’d have to step up.

your attitude is so depressing

He made those choices because he wanted to have sex with someone else. It’s not that deep.
The fact he was willing to split your family like that when you don’t work due to a disabled child is even worse.
He obviously didn’t give a shit about you.
I’m confused what ‘work’ you’ve had to do in the last year- he had the affair ???