DH needs reminding to do the same chore every day. Why?!

[skipdiddyskip]

This is more a frustrated rant post more than anything else but any insight would be great if you have it.

We have divided chores in the morning which are agreed. DH is supposed to tidy away washing up from night before and wipe down kitchen while I get ready for the day (while supervising dd). I then swap in looking after dd and making everyone breakfast and doing the laundry while DH goes to get ready.

Except DH forgets every day to do his part. I come down and ask “have you cleared the kitchen?” and he sheepishly says “no I forgot”. He sits on the sofa in his phone instead.

He has remembered maybe once or twice in the last few months. Everyday, he forgets. He knows and accepts that it’s his job without any argument but just cannot take initiative to remember to do it without prompting.

I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really) but it blows my mind. I just couldn’t imagine him coming down expecting breakfast and for the laundry to be cleared away and I just say “oh I forgot” after having sat on my phone the whole while. It just wouldn’t happen.

Is it just weaponised incompetence? I think his mum growing up never expected much input from him so there is that, his brain just doesn’t think “what needs to be done next?” It just thinks “things will get done”. Or is it me? Is he dependent on me telling him to do it? If I stop then it won’t get done and he won’t remember that it needs doing…

Any suggestions on how to fix this minor annoyance welcome. I have tried explaining to him why it’s annoying, that I’m not his manager, that it’s not a hard thing to remember but to no avail.

He doesn't want to do it and thinks it's your job really so doesn't bother with it, and look you already admit you do it anyway so he's got you well trained.

Because he thinks that you are worth less than him and you should Do it and eventually you will

I just couldn’t imagine him coming down expecting breakfast and for the laundry to be cleared away and I just say “oh I forgot” after having sat on my phone the whole while.

Try it.

When my 12 year old doesn’t do his homework because he’s distracted by his phone, I take his phone off him until it’s done.

but any insight would be great if you have it.

Happy to oblige. He's a lazy twat. He thinks that you'll eventually start doing it yourself.

I think I would be forgetting to make his breakfast

I’d stop doing any of his laundry for ever

but I suspect you won’t because I suspect you also think you are worth less than him and it’s your job

thats the core of what you need to fix - not tinkering around with making more effort by you to make him do the absolute bare minimum

He knows you’ll do it if he doesn’t, so he just doesn’t bother! I know how frustrating this is, but you should stop clearing up for him, you have enough to do and he should be pulling his weight

Oh Christ just see you make his grown man breakfast

id also be stopping that

No breakfast for him then until he gets the message!

Say 'Do it now and then go and get ready. I can't make breakfast till you do'. If that means he's late leaving for work, that'll be his problem. Make it his problem so that he gets less time to do this stuff, then he's got more reason to do it earlier.

The only way to half fix it is make it inconvenient for him to forget... he forgets that = you forget something that inconveniences him.
The true way to fix it is for him to do some internal work on his sexism and attitude to marriage, but he probably doesn't think he is and probably won't volunteer to do the work.

I suspect this would mean OP and DD are also late though. That's why he 'forgets'. he knows OP will have to do it as it affects her as well.

It's quite interesting that you just do it yourself. So if that was me, I'd be furious and would come down and would shout at him. And if that was DH, if I am shouting and annoyed for no reason, he would tell me I'm being unreasonable. But if he knows that actally he's been taking the piss and not stepping up... he apologises and stops. But it's interesting you don't seem to feel you can expess that frustration with him. what else do you just take on becauseyou don't feel you can tell him he's in the wrong?

Oh, and yes, of course you have to stop making him breakfast at the very least. wanker.

Well if you always go and do it when he says he forgot then of course he's not going to get his arse off the sofa.

What happens if you say 'oh, well can you do it now then please so I can do breakfast?'

I think you have 2 issues:

Your DH thinks this is women’s work so needs to be asked to do it. In fact it’s a household job that needs doing. Can you sit him down and ask WHY he needs to be reminded (this would drive me mad). Did his mum do everything for him / was he not required to pull his weight at home?

Timings - I can’t stand coming down to a mess in the morning so if this is his role / contribution, get him to do it in the evening / after you have eaten (as he seems incapable of doing it in the morning).

This is what I call ‘learned helplessness’ (he thinks he can get away with it the more he forgets).

Well he doesn’t actually forget, does he? Clearly. He just can’t be arsed doing it and he knows you will. Underneath this is the fact that he thinks you are less important than him. I suggest you also just stop doing your part of it in a way that impacts him negatively. See how long he thinks it’s cute when you say “oops sorry I forgot” sheepishly.

I assume you don’t go “For fucks sake, Dave - why do you keep pretending to forget. We agreed this was a fair share of tasks, so the fact you just keep not doing it is highly disrespectful. The fact you then lie and pretend to have forgotten is even more disrespectful. Why do you think it’s ok to behave like that? You’re going to need to do it now, even if it makes you late for work.”

I know it's shared on here all the time but send him this link to read and tell him that's where you're headed.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

No he doesn’t. He’s hoping you’ll do it and stop asking him.

Definitely stop doing his laundry- just forgot to do it and just do yours and the kids.

Yes, absolutely, it is weaponised incompetence. He thinks the chore is beneath him and you can do it.

if he's so forgetful in the morning, he should do it all before going to bed.

He can't be bothered. You need to "forget" to make breakfast for the lazy, disrespectful arse because words can have no impact. He's quite happy with the status quo.

Simple. He doesn't do it because he doesn't want to and he knows you will.
He's a lazy sexist twat but that doesnt mean you have to 'train ' him to be a fucking grown up.

I had one of these who just defaulted to strategic incompetence every time he didn't want to do household chores, I nagged, made lists, charts etc but it was no good.
Best think I ever did was divorce the twat.

No more adult to clean up after and no more resentment - I highly recommend.👍

When he "forgets" what happens?

Why doesn't he do thus at night alongside you washing up?