DH needs reminding to do the same chore every day. Why?!

[skipdiddyskip]

This is more a frustrated rant post more than anything else but any insight would be great if you have it.

We have divided chores in the morning which are agreed. DH is supposed to tidy away washing up from night before and wipe down kitchen while I get ready for the day (while supervising dd). I then swap in looking after dd and making everyone breakfast and doing the laundry while DH goes to get ready.

Except DH forgets every day to do his part. I come down and ask “have you cleared the kitchen?” and he sheepishly says “no I forgot”. He sits on the sofa in his phone instead.

He has remembered maybe once or twice in the last few months. Everyday, he forgets. He knows and accepts that it’s his job without any argument but just cannot take initiative to remember to do it without prompting.

I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really) but it blows my mind. I just couldn’t imagine him coming down expecting breakfast and for the laundry to be cleared away and I just say “oh I forgot” after having sat on my phone the whole while. It just wouldn’t happen.

Is it just weaponised incompetence? I think his mum growing up never expected much input from him so there is that, his brain just doesn’t think “what needs to be done next?” It just thinks “things will get done”. Or is it me? Is he dependent on me telling him to do it? If I stop then it won’t get done and he won’t remember that it needs doing…

Any suggestions on how to fix this minor annoyance welcome. I have tried explaining to him why it’s annoying, that I’m not his manager, that it’s not a hard thing to remember but to no avail.

I once asked my dad why he couldn’t just bring his plate / cup etc into the kitchen after finishing his dinner. Instead, once he’s done, he nudges his plate / cup over to the other side of the table (kitchen side) where my mother (or me if I’m there) are still eating our dinners. He replied “Because I don’t want to”.

Close the kitchen the nighht before I.e kitchen sides are wiped.

Get a dishwasher So that it's just unloading the dishwasher.

Only logical reason I can think is he's not a morning person. Brain hasn't woke up fully unless it's life or death 😄

This is what I would do.

He doesn’t want to do it, and you’re making it easy by doing his jobs for him.

So, either you don’t really want him to do those chores… or you’re maybe worried about rocking the boat by getting hard on him about it.

Next time he "forgets" Ask him if he is really incompetent or just trying to weaponise the incompetence. Then walk away don't wait fr the answer. He's an idiot and needs to put his phone down and join the family.

Get him to set a day reminder on his phone

I hate the phrase "weaponised incompetence". Because he's not being incompetent. He's very competently avoiding doing something he doesn't want to do and making someone else do it.

H doesn't respect you @skipdiddyskip . He thinks he, and his time are more important than you. He thinks you should have to do all the things you don't want to do, and he's happy to lie to you in order to get you to do them.

This isn't "men" being incompetent, or forgetful, or useless, or incapable of being an adult. This is one man, your husband, specifically choosing to be a cunt to his wife.

He can't be bothered to do it and doesn't care about your routine after all you're the house maid. He doesn't see it as important.
I'm sure you'll forget to do his washing and whatever else you do and say you don't feel like having sex with him any more because it's not important to you.

He’s lazy.

selfish.

disrespectful.

and sexist.

I find threads like this (mildly) interesting. I am not as bad as Op's DH. I would do a daily task. But I rarely think of doing house work stuff. I have to be asked/be told what needs doing. As my DW often tells me, nobody tells her what to do or what needs doing.
I grew up in the late 60's and 70's and my SAH mum, did everything for me. For example I never changed bed sheets until I got married. She did it all while I was at school, so i never saw what was required to run a household. I think this upbringing in my formative years is to blame. Further I suspect it is the same for others.

It's not rocket science.

Are you male or female?
and who changed your bedsheets when you were an adult but before you were married?

great - blaming another woman for your own failings 🤨

And many women were brought up in a similar way and yet we still manage to do our household chores

My totally unscientific point, was that for people of a certain age and a certain upbringing. Housework was never something we thought about or did intrinsically.

Well reminding him as soon as he gets up would help

and then start to forget things you should do that matter to him - this could get petty ( leave his favourite mug out of the dishwasher, forget his beer at the supermarket ) but he is being petty already

addendum: it is possible to learn as an adult, even a very old adult can learn new stuff. Not bothering or learn about housework is lazy

My unscientific (although is it?) addendum is that this is only true for people of a certain sex.

I bet his boss doesn’t need to ‘remind’ him to get off his phone and to do his job. You’re not his mother, so don’t act like it. This supposed adult is using his phone to get out of pulling his weight and you are allowing him to.

Him taking his phone to the toilet sounds grim.

Then you grew up, realised that a fully functioning adult takes care of themselves and shows consideration to others and rolled up your sleeves.