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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH needs reminding to do the same chore every day. Why?!

119 replies

skipdiddyskip · 07/04/2025 12:29

This is more a frustrated rant post more than anything else but any insight would be great if you have it.

We have divided chores in the morning which are agreed. DH is supposed to tidy away washing up from night before and wipe down kitchen while I get ready for the day (while supervising dd). I then swap in looking after dd and making everyone breakfast and doing the laundry while DH goes to get ready.

Except DH forgets every day to do his part. I come down and ask “have you cleared the kitchen?” and he sheepishly says “no I forgot”. He sits on the sofa in his phone instead.

He has remembered maybe once or twice in the last few months. Everyday, he forgets. He knows and accepts that it’s his job without any argument but just cannot take initiative to remember to do it without prompting.

I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really) but it blows my mind. I just couldn’t imagine him coming down expecting breakfast and for the laundry to be cleared away and I just say “oh I forgot” after having sat on my phone the whole while. It just wouldn’t happen.

Is it just weaponised incompetence? I think his mum growing up never expected much input from him so there is that, his brain just doesn’t think “what needs to be done next?” It just thinks “things will get done”. Or is it me? Is he dependent on me telling him to do it? If I stop then it won’t get done and he won’t remember that it needs doing…

Any suggestions on how to fix this minor annoyance welcome. I have tried explaining to him why it’s annoying, that I’m not his manager, that it’s not a hard thing to remember but to no avail.

OP posts:
MarkWithaC · 07/04/2025 13:57

Is it just weaponised incompetence?
Yes, In short.

dcadmamagain · 07/04/2025 13:59

If he sits on soda with phone suggest he puts an alarm reminder on his phone for about the time he’s sitting on the sofa to remind him

BeeCucumber · 07/04/2025 14:05

In future, come down in the morning and just carry on with your day. Do the necessary chores. Don’t engage with him or make his breakfast or do his laundry. Don’t make his lunch or evening meal. Act like you are a single parent and see how that fits. You may learn to prefer this arrangement and live without him making your sofa look untidy.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 07/04/2025 14:05

Why does he accidentally 'forget' every day?

It is blindingly obvious. He doesn't want to be bothered, so he leaves it in the hope that you'll do it instead.

Needlenardlenoo · 07/04/2025 14:06

He thinks it's your job - consciously or unconsciously.

ruddygreattiger · 07/04/2025 14:09

Jesus, so this is a step up from his previous routine of sitting on the toilet for 45mins every morning while you ran around doing everything?
Sorry op, you are being a mug babying him like this and I guarantee he won't improve. He's a lazy twat and his routine suits him fine. Your choice to suck it up and carry on enabling his fuckwittery - or not.

Deadringer · 07/04/2025 14:10

Next time he forgets say 'get it fucking done now then'. And no way would I be making him breakfast or doing his laundry.

Inertia · 07/04/2025 14:18

He doesn’t forget. He just can be bothered as he knows you’ll do it for him. He sees you as his skivvy so doesn’t care how awkward it makes your morning.

I would start a routine of sorting the washing up and the laundry each night, before anyone sits down to relax. You split the jobs, or both pitch in with both.

And in the morning he can make his own breakfast while you deal with DC, because he’s a bloody adult.

2024onwardsandup · 07/04/2025 14:22

skipdiddyskip · 07/04/2025 13:45

Thanks all, I’ve read all your replies (and linked articles and videos).

It’s interesting because I just assume he is being genuine when he forgets and maybe he is - but ultimately you don’t forget the things that are important to
you, so that shows how important doing his share is to him… he never forgets to claim his daily bonuses on his video games, for example.

I found the comment about taking his phone interesting. I wouldn’t take his phone, just because then I really am becoming his parent but it’s an interesting comment because I have already asked (and he has agreed) (sorry if this is tmi) that he leaves his phone outside the toilet when he uses it in the morning, otherwise a 5-10 minute activity turns into him scrolling with his pants down for 45 mins! And obviously grown men can spend as much time as they like on the loo but when it was 45 mins it did mean that we were all pretty pressed for time when getting out the door (there’s only so much I can do to get dd ready while doing morning chores so I appreciate him not spending 35-40 minutes meaninglessly scrolling)

I think we both suffer from a lack
of time to ourselves and my
outlet is getting things prepared so
that we can maximise the little free time we do have in the evening, whereas DH prefers to scroll (there’s a theme here). I’m sure I tell him between 2 and 10 times a day “get off your phone and come
join us/ help us/me/ do this task please). I think maybe asking him to
leave his phone upstairs entirely until I come down might be a good idea because then there won’t be a more distracting activity for him to do.

He is one of the lazy ones, I will confess.

hes not lazy - he doesn’t respect or value you or your time and he thinks you should do domestic labour to support his free time

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2025 14:24

I couldn’t be doing with this. Sit him down and say I feel like your mum when we’ve agreed the morning split of jobs and every morning I look over and there you are on the phone just like a teenager. Not a partner. How about a new plan- every morning I have to do my share and remind you to do your share, the next morning I just take myself out the door and you do it all, so we get some actual balance in our life? You’re perfectly capable so I assume you just think ah fuck it she can do that shit, it’s boring and I’m too special. Set a reminder on that phone you’re staring at and bear in mind I’ve successfully resisted flushing the stupid phone down the toilet every morning for two weeks now when I look over and see the work not done and you off scrolling away. I don’t know how long my will power will hold out, if you won’t be a partner I don’t know why you think I should be and it seems a reasonable 20 year old housemate thing to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2025 14:30

This is deliberate behaviour from him and he sees you as a mug. He does not behave like this at work to his work colleagues does he?. No. His mother ran around after him and now this man expects the same from you.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 07/04/2025 14:33

Tell him you are swapping morning roles for a week and see which one he prefers, because you are not going to do everything

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2025 14:38

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 07/04/2025 14:33

Tell him you are swapping morning roles for a week and see which one he prefers, because you are not going to do everything

If you do this, you have to sit on the sofa until he reminds you. If he doesn’t, leave without doing it. If he pulls you up, be outraged.’you didn’t remind me?!! We swapped roles, you only ever did yours when I reminded you, I thought it was built into the role!!’

when my dh doesn’t remember eg my child’s coat doing pick up at childcare a few times in a row my next days message has been the usual please remember to find and bring her coat. When you don’t I have to go around when I drop her off and find it, so if you can’t tonight then you will just have to also take her in the morning and look for it yourself. (Which would make him really really late for work)

Blueloo · 07/04/2025 14:40

Flutterbees · 07/04/2025 13:19

When you get up, take his phone with you so he has nothing to mess about with. Give it to him when he’s done his jobs, like you would reward your child for doing something you’ve asked them to do. It sounds silly, but honestly he’s being a child so treat him like one.

Why on earth would you ever treat your husband as a child?
Yes he’s a useless dick and should be told in no uncertain terms that he needs to step up, but starting to treat him as a child completely shifts the relationship into weird mummy territory, which muddies the waters even more and leads to women finding their childhusband deeply unattractive.

JustGettingStarted · 07/04/2025 14:42

I hope you're financially ready for him to lose his job because I'm sure he's forgetting stuff at work all the time, right?

Of course he isn't.

Goonie1 · 07/04/2025 14:42

He hasn’t forgotten, he’s choosing not to.
Rather than you doing it when he has “forgot”, don’t so that he then has to do it.

Coali · 07/04/2025 14:44

Putting stuff away is a nothing job, there is no real consequence if not doing it.

Tell him that as he forgets it everyday, you will swap tasks and you do the tidying away and he does the breakfast and washing. See how often he forgets that with hungry children.

outerspacepotato · 07/04/2025 14:44

Actions speak louder than words.

His actions are saying he can't be bothered with housework. He thinks you're there to serve him and be the bangmaid and nanny.

You aren't his mommy. Time for him to be making his own breakfast and doing his own laundry and grow the fuck up. Pile his dirty clothes on his side of the bed. Let him scroll on his phone.

Did he really take 45" in the bathroom? 😂People would be knocking the doors down around here, that's just stupid unless he's got IBS or is masturbating.

category12 · 07/04/2025 14:49

"I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really) but it blows my mind."

This is your problem.

He's a lazy fuck who knows if he doesn't do it, if he "forgets", it will magically get done by the housework muggins.

Stop letting him get away with it and doing it yourself.

Change jobs if he won't do his part, make him do the time-dependent ones instead.

Stop picking up his slack.

Ihopeyouhavent · 07/04/2025 14:53

When its time to swap, dont. Dont make him breakfast, dont do his washing.

That would infuriate me. Why doesnt he do it before bed?

Crackanut · 07/04/2025 14:58

I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really)

Did he tell you this?

Vodkamartini3olives · 07/04/2025 14:58

Sounds like he doesn't want to do it & who can blame him. I wouldn't want to get up & have to start cleaning up the kitchen. Switch it up, he can sort dishes & kitchen in the evening. In the morning he can stick a load of laundry on,.make breakfast for him & kid. That should take all of 10mins
He can scroll on his phone while he eats. You just have to get yourself ready. Less stress all round.

MikeRafone · 07/04/2025 15:01

because he doesn't need to remember

don't comment and make breakfast for the baby/child and don't make breakfast for him and you - wait and see what happens....

don't remind him and see if he gets hungry

if he mentions not having food - say oh I can't make food until the kitchen is clear - and that is how it goes on until he remembers

MyKingdomForACat · 07/04/2025 15:05

He doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t see the mess that needs wiping up. He can’t see the point in doing it. He thinks you’re only asking him to do it to pick on him. He won’t ever do it.

godmum56 · 07/04/2025 15:06

Does he still want sex? because no chores equals no sex!

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