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Original poster

DH needs reminding to do the same chore every day. Why?!

119 replies

skipdiddyskip · 07/04/2025 12:29

This is more a frustrated rant post more than anything else but any insight would be great if you have it.

We have divided chores in the morning which are agreed. DH is supposed to tidy away washing up from night before and wipe down kitchen while I get ready for the day (while supervising dd). I then swap in looking after dd and making everyone breakfast and doing the laundry while DH goes to get ready.

Except DH forgets every day to do his part. I come down and ask “have you cleared the kitchen?” and he sheepishly says “no I forgot”. He sits on the sofa in his phone instead.

He has remembered maybe once or twice in the last few months. Everyday, he forgets. He knows and accepts that it’s his job without any argument but just cannot take initiative to remember to do it without prompting.

I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really) but it blows my mind. I just couldn’t imagine him coming down expecting breakfast and for the laundry to be cleared away and I just say “oh I forgot” after having sat on my phone the whole while. It just wouldn’t happen.

Is it just weaponised incompetence? I think his mum growing up never expected much input from him so there is that, his brain just doesn’t think “what needs to be done next?” It just thinks “things will get done”. Or is it me? Is he dependent on me telling him to do it? If I stop then it won’t get done and he won’t remember that it needs doing…

Any suggestions on how to fix this minor annoyance welcome. I have tried explaining to him why it’s annoying, that I’m not his manager, that it’s not a hard thing to remember but to no avail.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 07/04/2025 15:08

yuk - who wants to have sex with a man child that treats you like mum figure...

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2025 15:10

If I walked into the kitchen to find it in a mess, I walked straight back out again. This extended to other meals and setting down the mental load around meal planning, shopping and anything else related to the kitchen (so no washing of clothes either) because if I wasn't going to be cooking in there, it's nothing to do with me what is or isn't in the fridge or is clean for the next day. Had it been necessary, I would have used a launderette before touching the linen bin or encrusted detergent in the drawer.

Worked out OK. Can't remember the last time I had to lift a finger in there. Bathrooms are lovely and clean, though.

YesHonestly · 07/04/2025 15:11

Does his boss have to remind him to do his daily tasks at work?

Of course he hasn’t forgotten, he’s a lazy twat who knows you’ll do it for him. Stop being a mug and enabling him.

FusionChefGeoff · 07/04/2025 15:13

He doesn’t forget. He doesn’t bother. Then you do it.

I can see where he’s coming from - no consequences, no effort - bingo!

stop doing it. Make him do it.

MattCauthon · 07/04/2025 15:13

the scrolling is a red herring. He's not skipping chores because of scrolling, he's scrolling so he doesn't have to do chores. 30 years ago, you would have been the woman upset becuase her DH was reading the paper instead of stepping up to help with the chores.

He doesn't mind if you blame the phone because then HE doesn't have to take responsibility. Which is hilarious because really, it's still on HIM.

YOu haven't said how many OTHER tasks he just opts out of and you feel obliged to pick up. I bet you're worried about being told you're "nagging" or "have impossible standards"?

pizzaHeart · 07/04/2025 15:17

My DH forgets things so if I want him to do certain things around the house I do a list for him. It works better for us - so he knows that I expect him this time to change bedding and next time to wipe dust on the top of the wardrobe. However my DH has a lot of his plate, does his fair share and doesn’t sit on the phone much, so it’s different it’s genuinely forgetfulness.
With the toilet thing I would be furious!!!!! It would be near killing. After 10 minutes DD and I would be taking the bathroom door out.

MarkWithaC · 07/04/2025 15:19

pizzaHeart · 07/04/2025 15:17

My DH forgets things so if I want him to do certain things around the house I do a list for him. It works better for us - so he knows that I expect him this time to change bedding and next time to wipe dust on the top of the wardrobe. However my DH has a lot of his plate, does his fair share and doesn’t sit on the phone much, so it’s different it’s genuinely forgetfulness.
With the toilet thing I would be furious!!!!! It would be near killing. After 10 minutes DD and I would be taking the bathroom door out.

But who makes a list for YOU? Who makes sure YOU do chores by ‘expecting’ you to do them?
You’ve still got the mental load. And I’m sure you’ve got a lot on your plate too.

Lurkingandlearning · 07/04/2025 15:25

I just assume he is being genuine when he forgets

No one with a phone can forget anything anymore, except maybe that their phone can positively nag them to do what they’ve agreed to do.

Suggest that he puts his share of the family morning routine on his calendar as a daily recurring event with an alert. Or a labelled alarm.

That way when he is sitting on his arse doing fuck all, it will be his phone (at his request) telling him what a lazy git he is.

pizzaHeart · 07/04/2025 15:39

MarkWithaC · 07/04/2025 15:19

But who makes a list for YOU? Who makes sure YOU do chores by ‘expecting’ you to do them?
You’ve still got the mental load. And I’m sure you’ve got a lot on your plate too.

Show quote history

I generally agree with this point and you are right, but I do lists for irregular small jobs which I want to be done at certain times rather than usual everyday things. I wouldn’t do a list with e.g to clean windows (I just mention it) but would do with to wipe lights in DD’s room.
We have a firm divide of some tasks e.g he does breakfast and I do dinner. He does washing after dinner, after breakfast it varies. I do laundry and he does garden jobs. My point is that he might forget but I’m sure it’s genuine, the same as I forgot about rice yesterday
and burnt a saucepan.

ginasevern · 07/04/2025 15:49

And you don't find him scrolling on his phone like a teenager remotely unattractive? He doesn't forget (you must surely to god know that). He can't be arsed, he knows you'll do it anyway and he's basically not invested in your shared lives. He's taking the piss and making a fool of you.

Xiaoxiong · 07/04/2025 16:01

he never forgets to claim his daily bonuses on his video games, for example

Sounding more and more like an actual man-child.

You say you both suffer from a lack of time to yourselves, but if you added up his free time (phone scrolling, daily video games, etc) and your free time, I'll bet you a grand that he's getting more than you are. Your time is as important as his time.

I think you need to have a serious sit-down and say that things need to change, he needs to pull his weight in the family and you're not going to be managing him by reminding him or making lists for him, because you're not his mother. That's a fast track to a dead bedroom and a dead marriage because who wants to sleep with someone they have to manage like a child.

The Fair Play cards may help: www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

LivelyMintViper · 07/04/2025 16:11

Set daily alarm on his phone.

Cakeinvader · 07/04/2025 16:12

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/04/2025 12:42

I know it's shared on here all the time but send him this link to read and tell him that's where you're headed.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Thanks for this!

mathanxiety · 07/04/2025 16:15

Yes this is weaponised incompetence.

Don't do it for him.

Spend a week 'forgetting' to do your own morning tasks. Ahead of that time, make sure you and your DD have plenty of clothes to wear.

Tell him coasting along while you pick up his slack is a seriously unattractive trait.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 07/04/2025 16:16

It sounds ridiculous to the point of being disingenuous to suggest that you genuinely believe he forgets every day. Of course he doesn't forget every day. Does he walk out of the house in his pants? Does he have 17 fillings? He is a grown adult perfectly capable of recalling a daily routine. He just doesn't want to, and can see that he's easily able to get away with it. 'Whoops I forgot' and you're doing it for him - why?? Just leave it and leave your chores and leave them all to him for the evening, and do not give in. You've done his chores for years now, he can start pulling some weight.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2025 16:17

I just assume he is being genuine when he forgets

You are a mug.

MikeRafone · 07/04/2025 20:50

LivelyMintViper · 07/04/2025 16:11

Set daily alarm on his phone.

That’s the type of thing you do for children, not an equal partner

GrandmasterGlitchsMoustache · 07/04/2025 23:07

You should not have to do this but set a daily reminder on his phone that he has to mark “completed” to get rid of. Not an alarm that he can he just switch off. Then if he ignores it or complains about the reminder you will know that he actually doesn’t care about doing it regardless of what he agreed.

This worked to get my DH doing his weekly task (bins) as it was a neutral reminder from
his phone about an agreed task not me having to whinge.

Sounds like he’s addicted to his phone and doesn’t want to actively parent his own child. That won’t work when the child is older and wants to play on his phone too - lots of tantrums when it’s refused/taken away. If he’s got time to scroll on his commute or on breaks at work (or even all evening if he does that) then he doesn’t need to do it when he should be helping out in the house in the morning which is normally the busiest time. Phone can stay upstairs until it’s his getting ready time.

Penguinmouse · 08/04/2025 03:45

“DH, you seem to forget to do this every day. Is there a different chore you want to do instead?”

It’s weaponised incompetence and he’s lazy.

bettermumthanyou · 10/04/2025 00:32

@skipdiddyskip It sounds as though you’re talking about your DS rather than your DH, even making excuses for him (“he’s a good boy really, just forgetful”).

What is he even looking at first thing in the morning on his phone (surely tv/radio can provide morning news?!) - so maybe ‘who is he texting?’ is the more relevant question?!?! Have there been other behavioural changes recently, or just the total lack of interest in domestic responsibilities?

Elsvieta · 15/05/2025 21:28

Definitely time to get a bit more forgetful yourself.

BellissimoGecko · 15/05/2025 21:32

He’s a useless lazy fuckeit.

stop doing it for him.

stop doing anything for him until he can actually adult and remember his (tiny) tasks.

I’d also stop having sex with him. How can you fancy a child with the memory of a goldfish?!

BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2025 21:36

He doesn’t forget. He just doesn't want to do it.

GreenCandleWax · 15/05/2025 21:40

NorthernSpirit · 07/04/2025 12:39

I think you have 2 issues:

Your DH thinks this is women’s work so needs to be asked to do it. In fact it’s a household job that needs doing. Can you sit him down and ask WHY he needs to be reminded (this would drive me mad). Did his mum do everything for him / was he not required to pull his weight at home?

Timings - I can’t stand coming down to a mess in the morning so if this is his role / contribution, get him to do it in the evening / after you have eaten (as he seems incapable of doing it in the morning).

This is what I call ‘learned helplessness’ (he thinks he can get away with it the more he forgets).

He is getting away with it because OP does it. Stop doing it OP and he will have to face consequences, and about time!

BunnyRuddington · 15/05/2025 21:42

GrandmasterGlitchsMoustache · 07/04/2025 23:07

You should not have to do this but set a daily reminder on his phone that he has to mark “completed” to get rid of. Not an alarm that he can he just switch off. Then if he ignores it or complains about the reminder you will know that he actually doesn’t care about doing it regardless of what he agreed.

This worked to get my DH doing his weekly task (bins) as it was a neutral reminder from
his phone about an agreed task not me having to whinge.

Sounds like he’s addicted to his phone and doesn’t want to actively parent his own child. That won’t work when the child is older and wants to play on his phone too - lots of tantrums when it’s refused/taken away. If he’s got time to scroll on his commute or on breaks at work (or even all evening if he does that) then he doesn’t need to do it when he should be helping out in the house in the morning which is normally the busiest time. Phone can stay upstairs until it’s his getting ready time.

Ive done this with my “D”H.