DH needs reminding to do the same chore every day. Why?!

[skipdiddyskip]

This is more a frustrated rant post more than anything else but any insight would be great if you have it.

We have divided chores in the morning which are agreed. DH is supposed to tidy away washing up from night before and wipe down kitchen while I get ready for the day (while supervising dd). I then swap in looking after dd and making everyone breakfast and doing the laundry while DH goes to get ready.

Except DH forgets every day to do his part. I come down and ask “have you cleared the kitchen?” and he sheepishly says “no I forgot”. He sits on the sofa in his phone instead.

He has remembered maybe once or twice in the last few months. Everyday, he forgets. He knows and accepts that it’s his job without any argument but just cannot take initiative to remember to do it without prompting.

I know it seems a minor thing (and I just end up doing it every day and it’s not a big deal really) but it blows my mind. I just couldn’t imagine him coming down expecting breakfast and for the laundry to be cleared away and I just say “oh I forgot” after having sat on my phone the whole while. It just wouldn’t happen.

Is it just weaponised incompetence? I think his mum growing up never expected much input from him so there is that, his brain just doesn’t think “what needs to be done next?” It just thinks “things will get done”. Or is it me? Is he dependent on me telling him to do it? If I stop then it won’t get done and he won’t remember that it needs doing…

Any suggestions on how to fix this minor annoyance welcome. I have tried explaining to him why it’s annoying, that I’m not his manager, that it’s not a hard thing to remember but to no avail.

And yeah so basically you do ALL the morning chores - WTF is that all about?

he can do his night time chore AT NIGHT - and then make the breakfast for everyone in the morning and get your dd ready - while you have a lovely shower

"I forgot"

He sounds like my DSs except they are tweens. If they are still like this as grown men and fathers, DH and I will have failed as parents.

His mum did it for him, now he's expecting you to do it for him - and you are!! You need to stop.

It reminds me of this sketch:

Of course he doesn't forget. You have taught him you will do stuff if he doesn't bother and he has trained you well. Have you tried swapping tasks to see how that goes? Alternatively every morning you could say "don't forget the kitchen Dave" but that would drive me mad.

When you get up, take his phone with you so he has nothing to mess about with. Give it to him when he’s done his jobs, like you would reward your child for doing something you’ve asked them to do. It sounds silly, but honestly he’s being a child so treat him like one.

Mine sets an alarm (actually multiple alarms) on his phone for things like this, just labels it for what he wants to remember. If yours is literally on his phone and that's why he forgets he has a literal yelling reminder and no excuses.

Sounds like weaponised incompetence for sure. Don't give in to it.

It’s not minor!

Have you actually had a conversation with him about how unacceptable this is?

Deliberate male incompetence. If he 'forgets' then you do it. I would swap jobs around because it's a bit hard to 'forget' getting breakfast. It's also a harder job so I'm sure he'll be happy to swap back after a couple of months.

He won’t change. They never fucking do. Leave before you waste your life with him.

He’s choosing not to do it, he isn’t forgetting! And why wouldn’t he when he knows full well that you’ll do it instead?
Posts like these where the woman allows such shitty behaviour from their lazy arse partners, infuriate me!

He doesn’t forget to clean the kitchen. Obviously. I would ask him why he’s telling such a ridiculous lie.

Option 1. Swap around the order - you go down, make breakfast (and don’t clear up), stick the laundry on then go and get ready. As you swap, you handover “breakfast is done, washing is in/on the line and dishes are waiting for you.”

Option 2. Absolutely lose your shit, make it clear by being too stupid and lazy to do his share, he is clearly showing he expects you to clear up after him and has no respect for you.

Option 3. Tell him you’re annoyed and to make things fair, you’ll be clearing up after yourself, he’ll have to do the same and you’ll split things for DD. This will include laundry, cooking, dishes etc.

Option 4. Continue to do his share on top of your own and let the resentment eat away at you.

He can do it at night before he goes to sleep.

Quite frankly I’d hit the roof at this. He isn’t forgetting, he just knows you’ll do it so can’t be arsed. He’s taking you for an absolute mug.

He's a lazy twat who thinks he's more important than you. He's not the only one though.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Stop doing it.

1. put a reminder in his calender
2. send him a text at 8am saying ‘kitchen’
3. one morning come downstairs and go absolutely apeshit and throw all the stuff out at his head whilst screaming.

also yeah stop doing his stuff. Just stop doing his laundry, so it quietly builds up.

he is shit and you need change tactics asap.

swap the morning routine over.

You do the kitchen, and he gets ready and supervises DD.

dump all the things on his side of the bed (make sure you have what you need for your and DD breakfast)
keep doing it

and just drop everything else you do for him. Do everything you usually do but forget, his washing, his ironing, his food, whatever. Just stop.

Thanks all, I’ve read all your replies (and linked articles and videos).

It’s interesting because I just assume he is being genuine when he forgets and maybe he is - but ultimately you don’t forget the things that are important to
you, so that shows how important doing his share is to him… he never forgets to claim his daily bonuses on his video games, for example.

I found the comment about taking his phone interesting. I wouldn’t take his phone, just because then I really am becoming his parent but it’s an interesting comment because I have already asked (and he has agreed) (sorry if this is tmi) that he leaves his phone outside the toilet when he uses it in the morning, otherwise a 5-10 minute activity turns into him scrolling with his pants down for 45 mins! And obviously grown men can spend as much time as they like on the loo but when it was 45 mins it did mean that we were all pretty pressed for time when getting out the door (there’s only so much I can do to get dd ready while doing morning chores so I appreciate him not spending 35-40 minutes meaninglessly scrolling)

I think we both suffer from a lack
of time to ourselves and my
outlet is getting things prepared so
that we can maximise the little free time we do have in the evening, whereas DH prefers to scroll (there’s a theme here). I’m sure I tell him between 2 and 10 times a day “get off your phone and come
join us/ help us/me/ do this task please). I think maybe asking him to
leave his phone upstairs entirely until I come down might be a good idea because then there won’t be a more distracting activity for him to do.

He is one of the lazy ones, I will confess.

This 100%

Well the issue is that you do it if he says "I forgot" so he doesn't see it as a big deal either.

If you've both agreed you are happy with this division of jobs, then don't treat him like a child. You work on the assumption that he is an adult and is about to get round to it, so you don't mention that it hasn't been done, just carry on with your own jobs. If it means there is no where to put the washing up (who does that impact?) then so be it. Just carry on regardless.

Eventually he will get the message, or you will find out that actually he doesn't care about ever putting washing away, in which case you might want to change your jobs around so that you do the things you care about, and he does the things he cares about which will act as more of an incentive.

Yes this exactly. Does he forget to get dressed or go to work?

so make sure you send him a message when you know he's downstairs that says "do the fucking dishes, twat" (or text of your chioce)

leave a big sign on the stairs saying "do the fucking dishes, twat" (or text of your choice)

or just change the routine. He does them before he goes to bed. You remind him that he's a lazy twat for not doing it in the morning, so he does it in the evening.

Stop letting him do this.

It’s interesting because I just assume he is being genuine when he forgets

But how? Every morning? Does he not have eyes? Sorry it makes no sense, you might forget an occasional chore, but you can see that kitchen is messy and needs to be cleaned every single day.

also send him texts during the day:
did you remember to email client
did you remember to finish presentation
did you remember to update boss on quarterly figures
did you remember to go to lunch
did you remember to do the team appraisals

or whatever fits to his day
do it every day
And if he ever asks what you're doing tell him it is clear his memory has gone and you don't want him to be sacked for forgetting all the routine work chores he has, the same way he forgets the home chores

Make him an offer
Remember to do his fair share of the chores, and you will too.
Or
Do all his own stuff. Laundry, cooking, shopping, life admin (the 1001 small things that you take care of, I'm betting)
Simple as that. His memory is fine. He's lazy.

Wow, what a catch. A man who gets up and scrolls his phone. Sexy as hell!