Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

Very interesting reading this post OP. I was married to somebody like this and it took me ages to understand his need to feel I was “obsessed with him”.

In the early stages of the relationship I adored him and made it very obvious - I’d prioritise him over anything and anybody else, loved spending time with him etc. He lapped up this attention, but never treated me the same way.

What it took me years to realise was that he was deeply insecure, me being “obsessed with him”, made him feel important, special and like he had some form of power over me. He enjoyed telling his friends and family how much I adored him, but these stories were never told in a loving way, more of a - “I must be awesome, look how much she adores me and would do anything for me.”

As I started to see his true colours, prioritise other things, etc, he also would question the level of my obsession reducing and get quite angry. He would track my phone, car, bug the house. Turn up at places I’d be going to without him, tell lies to people about me, try to ruin my friendships and family relationships.

He was truly awful and what I realise now is that he was obsessed with controlling me, and the best way he felt he could gauge his level of control was how obsessed he thought I was with him.

Your partner sounds similar OP and my advice would be, leave before it’s too late.

Get yourself out of this awful relationship ASAP. He is seriously weird.

7 year age gap, dated him as a teenager was the first red flag.

He wants you to worship him, clearly. A dynamic he probably liked when you were 18 and impressed with your 25 year old boyfriend. How inconsiderate of you to have a child and a job now to distract you!

This is seriously disturbing OP. Please don't subject your daughter to having to live with this pathetic, controlling, man. This is set to get much worse. Believe me, he already resents your DD.

And unattractively so. The bit about not talking enough about his “sexy time achievements” made me feel queasy.

If it weren’t for the fact that you revealed your DPs age, I would think he was my recent ex! So my ex was EXACTLY the same. We were together 2 years and was initially love bombed to the point of feeling uncomfortable though I didn’t know quite what was happening then. In my birthday, valentines, Xmas cards he would describe me as the woman on his dreams and I’ve turned his life around. Again made me nervous because he’d put me on a pedestal without really even properly knowing me yet whereas I was although affectionate a little more cautious or normal really in how I expressed myself. He also asked me once what I was thinking as we were having a NYE dance and I gave what I thought was a dry humours reply and he immediately responded something like ‘wow and here I am thinking how lucky I am to be dancing with this gorgeous girl’. It made me feel odd as I didn’t know if he was serious and actually was expecting a soppy ‘I’m thinking how lucky I am to be with you’ reply as we’d only been dating a few weeks at this point and was trying to work him out. Anyway as time went on, he started telling me he felt he was more into me than I was into him and that when we weren’t together I didn’t think about him enough and also that I wasn’t affectionate enough. I know none of these things are true but no matter what I did my end like book trips for us, make him meals to take back to his home, buy random gifts/groceries I thought he’d like - it was never enough. Many other things happened also including him getting angry to the point of giving me the silent treatment if I had to stay overnight for work. I also think he resented my career as a project manager and for some bizarre reason hated the fact I could wfh. Anyway it culminated on him spying on me and after that I just called it a day. It was hard to do as he was otherwise a fun and gorgeous looking guy who only had eyes for me but when he started pressuring me to sell up with him so we could buy a house together I knew this would never be ‘it’ so I safely ended it. At the time I thought I just got incredibly unlucky to have met such a man but after joining MN end last year, I’m shocked how prevalent these types of men actually appear to be!

If the word "obsessed" comes up in any relationship conversation, it is NOT a relationship...

What else does he have - friends, hobbies?

I'm guessing the post sex chat he wanted was along the lines of "I can't stop thinking about last night, and the wonder of our love making! I feel so close to you, thank you for the untold pleasures you have gifted me! It's like I have never truly been loved before!"

Not "so, that was a 6/10 for me, x was ok but y not so much. I think to improve next time you should..."

But yeah, even if he's otherwise well rounded you should leave because he's a worry and it won't improve. The changes he wants from you are not reasonable or healthy and you'll never pass muster without making yourself miserable. Plus you have your daughter to think of and this shit's got irreparably weird.

I'd tell him he sounded like a narcissist.

Because he does.

Also he may be planning to cheat and then blame you because you weren't 'givinv him enough attention'. Or some bs.

What were the circumstances around the moving in together? Why did that happen especially since you both have DC.

Why, in such a short space of time, are you describing yourself as the main breadwinner? You’re not married and you don’t have children together. So now you’re subsidising someone else. For what? It doesn’t sound like love to me.

Translation - jealous of his own child

Total narcissist. They hate not being the centre of everyone's world and attention. If you prioritise jobs, kids or anything over them they throw strops or try to punish you in some way. They'll also ruin your holidays, birthdays, interviews etc because they aren't all about them.

I got as far as him dating a teenager in his late 20s before I came to the same conclusion.

OP, I would just laugh in his face the next time he says that. It’s just so utterly ridiculous, it would give me the ick too.

It IS sinister.

This sounds like the in end of a very scary wedge.

He is clearly not happy in the relationship as it is but is pressuring you to be a totally different person and more like a simpering 16yo.

This is not an adult relationship between equals OP. You need to leave but do it very very carefully as it frankly sounds like reality is not something he particularly relates to and that may make him dangerous.

They are prevalent - and actually women can be similar.

I wonder what causes it.

I know posters will leap on to say “ some people are just arsey, self-absorbed, narcs etc. But I mean what do you actually think really lies behind it because mostly I think we are blank slates until we become products of our environment.

Did he have parents who were distracted or absent? I’ve often wondered about that and a deep-seated fear of not being able to hold the attention of those they want to love them.

Obsessed is not good. Loving, committed and loyal is.

Your daughter and your work "get in the way"?

Run.

He's a weeeeeeirrrdo.
Google anxious attachment style. That's him. It's weird,unhealthy and suffocating. Also impossible to live with in the long term

This is all about control.

You cannot be happy in this environment and this is designed to keep you off balance, unequal and keen to make him happy.

You need to do the freedom program OP. It will open your eyes to failed humans like this for they are ten a penny.

OP, your child deserves better than this deeply unhealthy relationship with a profoundly unstable man.

Look at when the rdntal contract ends and arrange to move out very quickly.

This is so controlling and unstable.
Extricate yourself from this quickly, calmly and safely.

Bloody hell😬😱

Thank you for your insight, a lot of parallels here! I have tried to explain to him that I show my love and affection in different ways, like little surprises, complements when I really mean them, etc but it’s clearly not enough.

It is exhausting and boring tbh, because he might go to work all day and I’ll be about to send him a message saying I love him etc and he will have already text saying something like ‘I guess you don’t miss me then as I dont have any texts’ and I just want to launch my phone into the ocean and never text him again 🙄

The other day he was upset because I only put 3 kisses on the end of a message which is apparently a signal to him I am upset with him, I then put loads on the next (sarcastically) and he was upset that ‘now I know you don’t mean those’. The text was him telling me was at macdonalds 😐

I honestly think these types people must just have an inferiority complex and propensity towards paranoia but I don’t know if these are genetically influenced traits. He seems to have had a great family and loving mom especially. He also is a pretty sociable guy and his work friends were over the moon when I met them at a Xmas do that he had found someone so the signs were all that he was well thought of. He has good manners and you could just never predict the controlling and obsessive personality that lurked within. I’ve been single for two years now and was quite traumatised after being with him and it makes me scared that I could run into another guy like him. In a way he did me a favour spying on me otherwise I wouldn’t have realised the true extent of this crazinesss and may have eventually moved in with him and lord knows how I would have fared under his likely more controlling nature then.

He had parents who were smothering yet highly critical, I know because he told me that and they still are to this day!

he was in mcdonalds and because you didnt put enough kisses on a text he got the hump

just run its not normal

Oh Lord OP with every up date he gets worse & worse

you can’t stay with him, he’ll crush the life out of you

@Forestdark as someone else said - he’s a weirdo-sadly they don’t come with a lanyard around their neck announcing this - I know when I had similar, initially I think I was very flattered as was just separated from my exH and he was so much the opposite of my exH who never ever put me first , never seemed that focussed on me at all and always had lots of stuff not revolving around me going on- after a while I just found it suffocating- I think OP you know in your heart that you find it suffocating- my sons GF was a bit like this too - seemed to need24/7 focus and constant togetherness- my son found it a bit much in his first long term relationship ( mid 20s ) and kept calling me about it- I told him to be frank about it and gave a conversation and say he needed way less focus and more space- seems to have all been much better since then, but I think that’s because she’s a really nice reasonable girl - I’m not sure this guy will see it that way - I would be making plans for when your rental is up if it’s in both names.