Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

Gosh yes v similar indeed! Yes (unfortunately), totally relatable. So once I was working in the garden and message how proud I was of my achievements so sent a photo. He messaged back saying good work and that he missed me. Now I’m not someone glued to my phone so I’d put it down and started work on dinner, so I only saw this message an hour or so later. But by this time he’d already message me something akin to ‘I said I MISS YOU!’ Honestly it felt so passive aggressive and that fact he could get so cross over something like a delayed reply was a little unnerving and made me not want to reply after essentially getting told off but if I didn’t he’d just be worse. Also, another incident on a trip away, a stranger in a bar got chatting to us and she said she felt that we were a lovely couple and she hoped he was appreciate of such a lovely girl or some such. Anyway I think this got his back up and I was just bracing myself for when she left and sure enough immediately after she left he started saying it was ‘interesting’ that she seemed to think I wasn’t so much into him’. It was really very odd as before that point we’d been having a lovely day as I was treating him to a £400 Xmas break but never mind that! Anyway, a year later he got into a violent encounter on the dance floor where he was convinced he was deliberately pushed which I honestly don’t believe he was it was just a case of an over exuberant drunk lad accidentally bumping into him on a crowded dance floor. Anyway after that I thought I am definitely now very slowly going to put in motion an exit plan. I think these types of men have an inferiority complex and are emotionally immature and add chronic paranoia into the mix (I was also accused of texting men late night when I ‘thought he was asleep’ like wtf?!) - I think that’s an extremely toxic combination and not a particularly safe on either so yeah I really feel for you so def proceed with extreme caution. It’s also a very emotionally tiring existence with not to be overly dramatic but with an element of walking on eggshells trying to preempt their response etc

You sound like an emotionally intelligent woman, so don’t lumber yourself with someone who isn’t. It will have a knock-on effect in many areas of your life in the future.

If he wants a tradwife, he will need to get a better paid job and start bringing home the bacon won't he?

Yeah it's controlling behaviour.

Anyone who texted me that 'guess you don't love me' shit would have their bags packed to meet them when they got home.

It's straight up textbook abuse.
As pp said, designed to have you running after his coattails feeling like you can't do anything right, always on the back foot. It's supposed to exhaust you. So you are too drained to leave him.

Seriously he's utterly vile, get rid of the headwrecking twat.

Get away.

He's not just 'ick'. I think he's under the influence of Men's Rights Thinking - you know, those blokes who have a tick list of requirements they expect their partners to fulfil and ask questions like 'What do you do for me?'

In that case, he should know that obsession is a very painful state of mind and not something to wish on a person you claim to love.

Honestly, genuinely a little scared for you if you try to leave him tbh. Make sure you alert friends or family to the situation before doing so. And if he moves out, change the locks asap.

I dunno…perhaps he’s just not expressed himself well. He probably just thinks you don’t seem as interested in him. It’s normal
in a lot of relationships when you’ve been together a while. It’s probably just come out wrong when he’s said it iyswim.

Sorry forgot to add that it’s the use of the word “obsessed “ that makes it scary. He’s prob just chosen the wrong word to articulate himself. Nothing wrong with wanting a bit of attention once you’ve been together a while and been focussed on other things a while.

You sound very intelligent and totally aware of what a pathetic specimen he is- so why haven’t you left yet?

Until you read more of ops posts and find he's been wearing her down on the matter for ages, seems to be jealous of her kid, throws sulks and texts her shit like 'you obviously don't love me' if she doesn't text him at work or has 'onlynput 3 kisses on her texts'.

The guy is a lunatic. A fucking scary one at that.

If he'd said it just the once then perhaps. But @Forestdark said it's relentless

did you read her other posts? He doesn’t like her going out without him? He tells her off for not texting him soppy texts all of the time. Possessive, creepy and pathetic

I think it's time to tell him you're obsessed with the fact that he's unhappy in his relationship with you. Obviously you don't want to be a source of his unhappiness, but he's made it very clear that you are. Equally obviously, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who finds you lacking and, indeed, faulty. You're not about to completely change who you are; neither are you minded to adopt a psychological disorder - which obsession is.

So you can have this little chat and allow yourself to be temporarily obsessed (or very interested, shall we say) in how to split up gracefully. Good luck!

Just to add, it clearly didn't escape you that his earlier relationships lasted ~4yrs, which is this one has as well.

It’s like he can only handle the chocolate shell on a Magnum. He’ll spend his life licking the chocolate off women then moving on.

I love this! So true - but also really depressing that so many men are like this.

Yes and because 'she changed' when they had kids. Eg: she was no longer obsessed with him. And he was jealous of his own child getting her attention.

Every message you post just gets worse and worse and highlights just how controlling he is.

This is not normal. This is not healthy.

@NatterNatter50 - you need to read all OP’s updates. This is not about someone who has chosen the wrong word to express their feelings. This man is awful.

@Forestdark - you’re going to need some time to process what people are saying but this guy is not for you. He’s desperately wounded and needy and will suck the life out of you if you let him. Your world will shrink and shrink. If he’s not doing it already, he will start to complain that you work with men. That you speak to men when you’re out etc. You might want to listen to FKA Twiggs’ interview with Louis Theroux where she discussed being in a hideously abusive relationship. It got so that she couldn’t look at waiters in a restaurant because she’d be accused of flirting. And if she didn’t give enough kisses in a day, she’d be punished. Read My Last Duchess by Robert Browning.

Your partner is abusing you. He thinks he owns you and you’re not fully human; you’re his to play with. This is a man who was jealous of his own tiny child and is therefore likely to pose a danger to your child. If you keep him around, this won’t end well for you.

Set up an experiment.

Arrange an evening out or a day shopping with girlfriends. (Probably best when DD is with grandparents?)

Be excited about it, dress nicely.

See how he behaves, take note of comments. Any sulky aftermath.

Because if he throws a tantrum or you get the silent treatment - that is how your life of going to be from now on.

If you feel threatened of course, cancel it and take that as your wake up call. What you do next will affect your and your daughter's future.

Red flag.
Pick up your child and run.
Have nothing further to do with this creep. His mask has slipped and he has shown you the real person underneath and they are not a good person.

Can I suggest you launch HIM into the ocean, for the sake of womankind!

I just read all the updates. Oh dear. So sorry OP. Agree with the others…run! You deserve better x

"He did say that his last relationship ended because 'she changed' after they had their child...."

Well colour me surprised. A baby came along like a little cuckoo and kicked him out of the nest. All of a sudden there were three people in the relationship, and he didn't like sharing. The man is pathetic really. Jealous of a little baby taking attention away from him.

This is actually a pretty big red flag. Please listen to this, without saying that's where it's heading, it is eye opening still:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile