Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

He actually sounds rather sinister. If you said you wanted him to leave/you were leaving, would he get dangerous?
I think I'd arrange somewhere else to live & just go, no heads up.
Him thinking obsession is a must is odd.

It doesn't sound as if he is obsessed with you - or not in the way he wants you to be about him. He's obsessed with himself, his ego and whether you're sufficiently laser-focused on stroking it non-stop.

He reminds me of a twat in the news a few years ago who was taken to court for abuse. His behaviour included requiring his partner to face towards him in bed. She wasn't allowed to roll over and turn away from him to go to sleep.

Whatever his reasons - insecurity, affair, ego dented by you daring to have success (but it would be fine the other way round methinks) - he's being a massive arsehole, waving red flags all over the shop and he needs to go. It's giving you the ick for a good reason - because you have self-respect and boundaries and you know it's not OK.

Take care though if/when you end it, because this type doesn't take it well.

He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’

Sounds like he wants you in his sight 24/7 and is coming out with all this 'obsessed' bollocks because he thinks it sounds more cutesy than what it really is - sinister and controlling.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough. He will begrudgingly tolerate your daughter now. But he will escalate. There will be an argument in front of her about 'getting rid' of her so you two can do something. She will be made to feel like an inconvenience.

The whole thing about wanting you to make him the centre of the universe won't work precisely because you have a daughter and he's jealous of your attention for her. Or wanting to do anything at all that does revolve around him

You won't notice it at first, but you will boil like a frog.

Is this what you want?

He will turn nasty when you end it.
.start planning an exit strategy now.

@Forestdark

Well if you are the main wage earner on a 3-day week then he must earn a lot less than you. Personally I think you would be better off without him. He sounds really hard work!

That reason for splitting with his ex because 'she changed' after having their DC dovetails with him thinking it's 'not fair' if he isn't the centre of your world.

Balanced adults who are parents take it as read that their children are the centre of their world. The only ones who can't handle this are those who are still children themselves and are incapable of being grown up and more selfless in relationships. This immaturity, added to the insecurity that you're more successful in life than he is on various scales, is a terrible combination I'm afraid. He can't be happy unless he's being worshipped like a firstborn son or with the full on flush of first love, and if it changes - not even fades but evolves - he gets needy and scared. It's pretty unattractive and must get exhausting, going out with a baby who needs this level of worship or cries that is not fair.

I’d worry if he guilts you in feeling guilty for going out. That’s not healthy.

Oh no, this entire situation is wrong. I would feel very uncomfortable in your position. His neediness is worrying.

The limerent/honeymoon phase of a relationship usually only lasts 2-3 years. It isn't sustainable to behave like that forever more. All couples settle into a rhythm and become less 'obsessed' with each other. That is when you find out if this person is really who you think they are, as you become more comfortable with each other and stop overlooking flaws, as well as always being on your best behaviour with each other.

I would have concerns that if he is so immature that he thinks that it should always be like the first couple of years, that he is now sniffing around looking for his next chance. He is preparing you for when he moves on.

This. He’s needy.

I do think men & women age differently. In my world, women age 40+ are more confident in who they are, what they need and what they don’t need. Mostly they don’t need a man! Especially not a needy man baby.

Younger men often play the field and hard to get. Then all of a sudden they hit 40/50 and realise they aren’t gods gift to women, perhaps haven’t achieved everything they naively thought they would and actually many women don’t even need/want them. They turn needy and even more unattractive.

I doubt this will get better, more likely you’ll get further apart

OP every time be says something needy now, you will think of this thread and you will go ick. And he will gradually become less and less attractive.

You can see why his relationships don't make it past the 4 year stage, his idea of love is too much like possession. I'd be having a long, hard think about this Op, I can only see his obsessiveness getting worse

This is true op, though I had actually heard 2 years however I guess it can depend on variables such as time spent together during that period.

I would actually use this as the basis for explaining why you are leaving. Relationships with a long term viability are capable of transitioning out of the immature “ honeymoon” phase and into a more mature, solid form of relationship that is sustainable in the long term and is built on firmer respect and enjoyment of each other.

He needs to hear this. He’s stuck at relationship first base and confuses moving on to a deeper relationship with the whole thing collapsing . It’s like he can only handle the chocolate shell on a Magnum. He’ll spend his life licking the chocolate off women then moving on.

Blimey, red flags are waving and alarm bells are ringing on this one @Forestdark. I think the suggestion of organising another place and then moving out when your current lease expires is a good one. He sounds deranged and that's being generous.

I get the vibe he’s laying the groundwork for something here. Making it seem like you’re the issue because you’re not obsessed enough.. so at some point if something comes out the woodwork he can use this as the excuse and to put blame on you.

I think he wants you to continually dance attention on him. It doesn't sound particularly healthy.

Exhausting 🙄

Tell him he's not on Strictly, does he want a rating out of 10?

Sounds exhausting aswel as deranged

As far as I’m concerned what happens in bed stays in bed. I don’t dissect it over breakfast.

Are you not utterly exhausted by this OP? 😧

I would be obsessing over my exit plan!

This is a very needy man who needs more going on in his life sorry for you OP - you said you are the main bread winner- didn’t suprise me at all- I lived with someone like this for 3 years post divorce- it went very very wrong when I actually developed interests and friends that had nothing to do with him- I think sadly this will be the same for you - they start by being a bit needy, then become possessive, then try and actively stop you doing anything that doesn’t involve them - want ‘your’ life to 100% revolved around them at all times. Im 63 now and a few of my partnered up friends have had similar issues over the years and it’s always blokes who don’t have enough going on, don’t have work of any great meaning to them , lack of close friends, often lack of involving hobbies etc etc

He sounds utterly exhausting.

Not only is he riddled with insecurities but his constant criticisms are designed to make you doubt yourself and bring you down.

I'd be telling him to pack it the fuck in and get himself in to therapy or to fuck off and find himself a new victim.

Life is too short for shit like this, OP.

@Forestdark have you ever felt obsessed with him?
Your relationship is fairly new. Could you stand having to work so hard to keep him happy forever more?
I had a boyfriend who was really needy. It was such a relief to dump him.

This doesn’t sit well at all

He sounds like a bit of a psychopath

Good grief! Didn't you have a celebration cake made in the shape of the position and plaster it all over Facebook saying what a stud he is? What about his sticker chart - where's his gold star? The least he deserves is a party, a huge 'well done' badge and a trip to Alton Towers. Do better!

Ugh. When I read threads about these deranged men on MN, it just reinforces my absolute belief in remaining single for the rest of my days. 58 now, and not been in a relationship for six years. Very happy with family, friends, house & cat.