Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

He may well be "ok" with your DD now but imagine if he plans something for just the 2 of you and you reply with "oh I can't then, I'm doing something with DD on that day". What would his reaction be to you putting you and DD's time together alone above yours and his time together alone? Do you really want to get to the point where you need to justify having time alone with your DD and being made to feel guilty about it, because £ to a penny that is where you will end up should you choose to carry on in this relationship.

He did say that his last relationship ended because ‘she changed’ after they had their child.

I think she'd have some interesting stories to tell.

This really made me laugh and yes, yes it is him 🤣🤣

This level of neediness and intensity is not the hall mark of a sane person.

I probably listen to a bit too much true crime, but reading that sentence made the hairs on my neck stand up - it’s like every psycho stalker’s starter for 10 and creepy as fuck. If any man said anything remotely like that to me, you wouldn’t see me for dust 😂

He did say that his last relationship ended because ‘she changed’ after they had their child.

It changed because she stopped putting him first.

Start planning your escape OP, and be prepared for police involvement.

Op, seriously check your phone for any tracking apps. The fact that he thought he was entitled to track his ex would probably have ended it for me. Who the fuck does that? I bet he probably is still tracking her and just hides it better.
He is too fucked up for you to have a peaceful life with him op.

Apparently I didn’t ’talk about it enough’ after,

How exhausting.

Don't you have the ick?

So are you on a 12 month rental contract?
Sounds like the perfect time for you to sort something out for you (in the background) to move in to, then when you can move in to your new place, tell him it's over.
Can you manage the rent of 2 places for a couple of months, until this 12 months is up?

What's he like around your DD, @Forestdark? Does he get huffy if, for example, you're focused on talking to her at dinner, rather than him?

“AutumnFroglets · Today 13:10

He did say that his last relationship ended because ‘she changed’ after they had their child.
It changed because she stopped putting him first.
Start planning your escape OP, and be prepared for police involvement.”

This with bells on. @Forestdark - this is disappointing for you but he is not a good man. He’s a selfish, self-absorbed manchild who will shrink your world and drain your life away if you let him. And if you’re living together, him being okay with your child is not enough. He’s already shown that he can get jealous of time you spend with her. Honestly, you’re a great catch and he really is not. He’s potentially dangerous.

He sounds like my ex, he turned out to be the most manipulative arsehole I've ever met. It starts slowly and it leaves you questioning your sanity after a while. He will constantly chase the 'honeymoon period' as well, which will inevitably lead to him cheating on every girlfriend he ever has.

I’d be a little concerned the long term impact of this on your DD. This isn’t modelling a healthy relationship.

Can I ask, does he puff? I’ve known men to be very needy and obsessive and the all smoked weed

I’d be very very worried about my daughter growing up with a man like this.

You know it’s not normal or healthy.

Your partner is unhinged, it's quite that simple. He wants him to be your priority, and your life to revolve around him. He has little to do with your daughter, because your daughter takes attention away from him. This is absolutely the type of man, who would struggle to accept a relationship has ended, turn into a stalker and harass. His behaviour is not normal on any level. He's unpredictable and a loose cannon, and that can, given the right circumstances, make a person dangerous. My honest opinion is that you need out of this relationship, it's not healthy.

You've got to leave this man. You really don't want this bullshit being the example your daughter learns from.

what a nut job.

My take on this is that this man feels slighted by you being more successful than him op. He wants you to compensate him for this by being obsessed with him, in other words subordinating yourself to him making him your priority all the time.
He feels that because he's the man he should be the best, the star, the most important one in the relationship and he wants you to put him on a pedestal so that he can feel that sense of being top dog.

Controlling and coercive behaviour within an intimate relationship is a criminal offence in the UK.

There are a lot of behaviours that have been mentioned that sound like they're moving towards this, but the tracking of the ex's whereabouts without her knowledge (whatever his reasoning) certainly fits the behaviours given by the Crown Prosecution Service as fitting CCB.

I would be prepared for his behaviour to get worse, and would urge you to end this relatiomship sooner rather than later.

Sorry OP.

Well he kind of did stalk the ex…

I get that she had his Dc with her, but still.

He wants lavished in praise.

Tell him to check his ego at the door. Or leave. This ain’t a healthy way to view relationships, it’s a control thing. He needs you constantly at home pining after him, he would be upset if you were out with friends having a nice time instead of miserably missing him until he returns home. This isn’t good. He’s manipulating you by saying he’s obsessed and so you have to mirror his level of attachment. It’s not just unhealthy. It’s ready to branch into abuse territory.

You deserve better. Do not have this as an example of relationships for your DD.

He did say that his last relationship ended because ‘she changed’ after they had their child. He means that something came along that she prioritised above him? That’s not insane at all! 🙄

I’m not one to automatically jump to the conclusion that shit partners are always cheating, but in this case I’m torn between thinking he’s amping up his level of control over you, or he’s up to no good and is setting up his excuses now. ‘Well you stopped showing me as much love and affection as you used to, so how can I be blamed for looking for it elsewhere. It’s such a cliché. ‘You made me do this’. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it were a combination of the two.

Either way, I think you’re beginning to realise that this relationship is not going to be your happy ever after. His behaviour is not normal or healthy, and it’s deteriorating. There’s only one way this relationship is headed. Now is the time to start putting things in place to get out, before you get to the stage where it’s just easier not to go out for the evening, rather than put up with his sulking.

Run.

Personally I dont want to be the centre of anyones universe.

Needy so gives me the big ick! I had an ex like this who was deflecting his own shortcomings by always checking up on me when I was out of his sight or touching me when I was in the room. It was infantalising. Yuk. It's ok maybe in early days but of course it wears off! Unless it's being used as a means of control.
You need to talk around expectations to see if you can find a way forward on the same page.