Help!!! I have a major crush & it’s turning into something it shouldn’t…

[lovelylady94]

okay, please no hate. I already know how bad this is, and I’m guilty even just thinking about it. This is gonna be kinda long but I really need some help figuring this out…

ive been in a relationship with the same man for almost 14 years. Met him in high school. We’ve gone through really rough times and he truly is my life partner and I don’t ever want to live without him. I love my life with him and things are just now starting to get better for us. We are in our 30s. He’s always been faithful to me and loves me so much, as I do him. And I would never want to ruin that.

but here’s where it gets messy. I started working with this team back in October. I immediately knew the first time I met this man that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. I’ve had crushes before but never acted on it because it normally wasn’t mutual and I knew it wasn’t right to pursue. But as things have progressed with this team and the longer I work with them the closer he and I have grown together. He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team, it’s kinda just what he does. We’ve had joking conversations that if we weren’t both in relationships (he’s married) that we would definitely date each other. But it never went past that.

The last couple times I’ve seen him I could feel a difference in the energy and the attraction we had to each other. And then this last meeting happened. He opened up to me about me being super sexy to him, and said he wouldn’t think of ever being unfaithful with his wife but that he does with me. I honestly feel the same. He makes me feel ways I have NEVER felt before. Mind you he’s 15 years older than me and much more experienced than me in intimate and emotional ways.

So after this confession we were alone, which never happens… but it did for some reason that day. He told me that he wanted to help me feel special- in context I am very self conscious of myself and my body currently. And my partner does make me feel special and good about myself but this is different… this man looks at me and I can’t even talk… he said he wants to have fun with me and there is nothing wrong with that for him but that he wants to respect my relationship even if I feel mutual. He wants to just see how things progress between us because he is so overwhelmingly attracted to me. Keep in mind I have only been with my partner, no one else…. So I really don’t even know what it’s like to be with another man. Nothing really happened in the car after that, we just kept talking about the strong feelings etc. and then he secretly kissed me when the team wasn’t around later that day. and I liked it…

I know how wrong this is but he is literally my fantasy… he would be my hall pass if you will. Truly my dream guy. This kiss just solidified the sexual tension between us, and honestly just made things a little more intense. It was a quick moment, we didn’t talk about it and then went on our separate ways. So I have no idea what’s even going to happen next.

we did talk about how this could potentially ruin the team working relationship and each of our own relationships if this were to get out, which I know it would. And it’s absolutely a concern for me. I would hate to lose this team. And have the reputation of a cheater with them. And I hate the feeling of being unfaithful to my partner. But I also have this deep urge to explore something else and just have some unattached fun. Because that’s truly what he said it would be. He has no desire to change his life with his wife. And same for me. But we have this tension between us that keeps getting bigger as time goes on.

I just don’t know what to do. I know it’s wrong and I know even kissing him was a boundary crossed. But I can’t help these feelings for him. Please tell me what to do. This is so bad and I just want to know how to even tell him that I just can’t do this. It would break his heart but I also don’t want to break my partners heart and have this guilt inside of me that I can barely live with…

You can’t have unattached fun
because you’re attached
And he is
so blowing up his wife’s life too
horrible
reverse the roles - how would you feel if your partner was doing this? Do you want loads of posters telling you yeah go for it?!

oh and you’ll ruin your working life
for a shag

I bet he’s used those lines many, many times on many, many women.
Walk away, this is so not worth it.

It would break his heart he can’t fuck his coworker who he wants to have fun with?

You’re a sucker.

He’s done this many times before. You’ll get attached. He’ll dump you. Your marriage will be over.

How would you feel if your dh did this?

Why not tell him he can have a hall pass? Maybe he’ll get together with his dream woman?

Personally my dream man is faithful and has strong morals and respects me.

I can’t imagine a wanker like your coworker being anyone’s dream man.

He sounds like a player.

..'wouldn’t think of ever being unfaithful with his wife but that he does with me'

Eyeroll

Don't fall for it

Sorry but these are proven lines for him and I bet my bottom dollar he’s a serial cheater, don’t buy into ‘you’re the chosen, special one’

Ugh, OP. He’s a total sleaze with a classic sleazebag’s patter. He wants help you feel special? Right. If ‘feeling special’ is a synonym for ‘lunchtime blow job in the photocopy room’. I guarantee that if you went to one of your female colleagues and said ‘X is a bit sleazy, isn’t he?’ she’d laugh, roll her eyes and count off on her fingers the number of times he’s tried it on with her and with Sarah from Accounts and Emma from IT etc etc, and that he’s the office joke.

He's either a player or a predator. This sounds like well rehersed behaviour.

I also think he seems well practised at this @lovelylady94. I honestly think you need to change team if you can, it sounds like you are in too deep for anything else. You may ruin multiple lives for something that would leave you feeling grubby and forever guilty. I am not judging you or being overly puritanical as I have a stinking great crush on a colleague at the moment, but it will pass and my marriage is happy and everything to me.

“He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team, it’s kinda just what he does”

He sounds like a creep 🤢

Ha! What a wonderful man he is for wanting you to have an affair with him and ultimately destroying your relationship.

You’d be mad to jeopardise your relationship with your dp for this bullshitter.

You KNOW it's a crush, YOU KNOW he's a flirt - do you really want your entire life to blow up over hormones?

You're both attached, it's all energy at the moment but it's NOT an enduring trusting relationship - and it won't be as he's a flirty shagabout!

Connect back with your husband, the ten minutes of chemistry hit from a fling truly isn't worth it, you are throwing away years.

Agree with all of the above. All the lines of his that you quoted make him sound like an absolute sleaze and a cliché. Sorry to say you're not special to him, he's no doubt done this before and will do it again, with someone else. Steer well clear.

I hope this is a wind up because he sounds so cringe. 🤣 He wants to make you feel ‘special?!’ How are you not violently repulsed by a man with a wife who says that to you?

If this is indeed real, imagine yourself printing out this post and having to read it in front of the whole team at work. How embarrassing.

It won’t just be fun … your colleagues will notice somethings changed between you two, you will feel guilty, you will want more … the bottom line is yes you can have fun with him but at the expense of his wife’s happiness, your marriage and potentially your career.
also have an honest chat with yourself, is your marriage 100% happy or is it a routine you’ve stuck with and now you’ve had your head turned?

"He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team.."

His behavior is completely inappropriate for the workplace. He's playing you. Don't fall for his bullshit. This isn't his first time using this routine and it won't be his last.

You (and your partner) deserve so much better than this.

And then this last meeting happened. He opened up to me about me being super sexy to him, and said he wouldn’t think of ever being unfaithful with his wife but that he does with me.
—-

This is almost certainly a line he’s used with others, probably several.

You’ve already kissed - to me this means you have already cheated on your partner. You’re already risking your long term relationship for this man, as well as risking your working relationship with your team and your professional reputation. Is it worth it?

Do your partner a favour. If you want to be with the other man, let him go - he deserves someone who wants him and him alone.

He opened up to me about me being super sexy to him, and said he wouldn’t think of ever being unfaithful with his wife but that he does with me.

Haha! Of course he did and you won't be the only married woman he's 'opened up' to.

Bluntly put, he wants a shag.

If you want to risk your marriage for a randy old bugger that's on you.

He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team, it’s kinda just what he does

This guy has shagged almost every woman on the team with low self esteem. He has a radar for women like you, who he can fuck and get away with it, knowing you won’t tell anyone at work, and you’ll sit quietly and watch it happen with the next woman, and the next, etc etc.

^^ This

And if you love your DP as much as you say you do, and you can't imagine life without him then you would not even be considering this.

This guy sounds awful and you can bet your ass he has done this before.

Don't fall for it and ruin your entire life and an extremely good loving relationship for a shag.

Also, OP, I imagine your crush on him has been obvious to him, you’re much younger than he is, clearly naive and inexperienced, and your self-consciousness about your body is probably obvious to him. He tested your boundaries by compliments and hugs and the moment he got you alone ‘opened up’ about his attraction to you and ‘wanting to have some fun’. At this point, 99% of women would see this as the insult it is and say ‘Fuck off, Nigel. In your dreams’, but clearly it’s worth trying, because sometimes someone like you is naive enough to think this is a compliment. All of which makes you the perfect candidate for some NSA office fun.

This is not some star-crossed lovers thing, OP. More The Case of the Convenient Vagina.

You realise he probably tries it on with other colleagues the same way if he thinks they'll be receptive.

You haven't been there long, I doubt you know the stories about him yet.

I'd bet good money you're not the first.

"He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team.."
—-

You do realise that this is totally inappropriate behaviour for a work colleague? Hugging and making personal remarks to his female colleagues? Bet he doesn’t behave like that with the men!

So much to unpack here. I hear you saying you don’t ever want to leave your partner, he is truly your life partner and you love each other.

And then I hear your yearning for something else, something bigger, something more.

And then I see the red flags when it comes to this particular man:

• he is much older than you and you invest in him the idea that he is more experienced in life (you say in intimate and emotional ways) than you are and you sound as though this puts him in a position of power over you.
• He is hugging people in the team (I mean, what’s that about? Who does this? I tell you who doesn’t: decent men…unless you work in theatre/film)
• He is making advances on you with lines that truly sound like they’ve come straight out of a cunning bastard’s playbook.
• He has found a moment in which to (a) make proposed sexual advances (b) kiss you and (c) invite you to engage in more - this is not someone who is interested in ‘you’.

I would steer WELL away from this low-life. But I would also look deeply at yourself and your relationship. I find therapy hugely to me for this sort of work. I think you need to work out what’s going on for you, what needs are not being met in your current relationship and so on. As I said, I hear that you want to stay with your partner but I do pick up that it’s not been meeting all your needs for a while now. That doesn’t mean you two need to split up, I just mean - give yourself some space in your life to really unpack everything you’ve been bottling up in order to make this relationship work.

I think there’s a voice in there that hasn’t been heard and you need to listen to it.

But one thing is for sure - this man is not the answer.