Help!!! I have a major crush & it’s turning into something it shouldn’t…

[lovelylady94]

okay, please no hate. I already know how bad this is, and I’m guilty even just thinking about it. This is gonna be kinda long but I really need some help figuring this out…

ive been in a relationship with the same man for almost 14 years. Met him in high school. We’ve gone through really rough times and he truly is my life partner and I don’t ever want to live without him. I love my life with him and things are just now starting to get better for us. We are in our 30s. He’s always been faithful to me and loves me so much, as I do him. And I would never want to ruin that.

but here’s where it gets messy. I started working with this team back in October. I immediately knew the first time I met this man that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. I’ve had crushes before but never acted on it because it normally wasn’t mutual and I knew it wasn’t right to pursue. But as things have progressed with this team and the longer I work with them the closer he and I have grown together. He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team, it’s kinda just what he does. We’ve had joking conversations that if we weren’t both in relationships (he’s married) that we would definitely date each other. But it never went past that.

The last couple times I’ve seen him I could feel a difference in the energy and the attraction we had to each other. And then this last meeting happened. He opened up to me about me being super sexy to him, and said he wouldn’t think of ever being unfaithful with his wife but that he does with me. I honestly feel the same. He makes me feel ways I have NEVER felt before. Mind you he’s 15 years older than me and much more experienced than me in intimate and emotional ways.

So after this confession we were alone, which never happens… but it did for some reason that day. He told me that he wanted to help me feel special- in context I am very self conscious of myself and my body currently. And my partner does make me feel special and good about myself but this is different… this man looks at me and I can’t even talk… he said he wants to have fun with me and there is nothing wrong with that for him but that he wants to respect my relationship even if I feel mutual. He wants to just see how things progress between us because he is so overwhelmingly attracted to me. Keep in mind I have only been with my partner, no one else…. So I really don’t even know what it’s like to be with another man. Nothing really happened in the car after that, we just kept talking about the strong feelings etc. and then he secretly kissed me when the team wasn’t around later that day. and I liked it…

I know how wrong this is but he is literally my fantasy… he would be my hall pass if you will. Truly my dream guy. This kiss just solidified the sexual tension between us, and honestly just made things a little more intense. It was a quick moment, we didn’t talk about it and then went on our separate ways. So I have no idea what’s even going to happen next.

we did talk about how this could potentially ruin the team working relationship and each of our own relationships if this were to get out, which I know it would. And it’s absolutely a concern for me. I would hate to lose this team. And have the reputation of a cheater with them. And I hate the feeling of being unfaithful to my partner. But I also have this deep urge to explore something else and just have some unattached fun. Because that’s truly what he said it would be. He has no desire to change his life with his wife. And same for me. But we have this tension between us that keeps getting bigger as time goes on.

I just don’t know what to do. I know it’s wrong and I know even kissing him was a boundary crossed. But I can’t help these feelings for him. Please tell me what to do. This is so bad and I just want to know how to even tell him that I just can’t do this. It would break his heart but I also don’t want to break my partners heart and have this guilt inside of me that I can barely live with…

Distance, distance, distance. It will save you

You need to back away from this man and the entire situation. You are heading into dangerous territory. You need to think of your partner, his wife and also your job. I can absolutely guarantee, that your colleagues will have picked up on the fact there is an attraction, and if you enter into a full blown affair, it will be glaringly obvious, even if you think it isn't. If it goes pear shaped, you will still have to work with him. You have zero idea if he is the type of man, where this behaviour is normal, and he's known for latching onto every women - because you don't actually know him that well!! You only know the side of him, that he shows to you. You don't really know the state of his marriage, only what he's told you. You have been with your partner for 14 years and you state that he's the only sexual partner you've had. I think your current state of mind, stems from wondering what you may have missed or could be missing. You're curious about what sex would be like with someone else. You state you love your partner and you can't imagine life without him. Yet, you're considering jumping into bed with another man! I suggest you seek some counselling, just to talk through your feelings, and to give you some grounding. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, very often it's a disappointment.

This is sad and wrong.

You're making a fool of your partner.
If I described a man in real life as "my dream man", I'd know my relationship was over.

And I get it. I've been with DH for 20 years and have only had 2 sexual partners, and have always got attention from other men when out and about.

I actually opened up to DH recently and said I needed to hear far more compliments from him on my appearance and body - I needed to feel desired. I felt he wasn't noticing me, despite me doing a lot to always keep in shape and look after myself. I also wanted to spice up our sex life, so we've done various things since to address that.

What is it that you're missing in your relationship, that this man excites in you?

I’m sure you didn’t come here for shame op, but ask yourself, where was the shame when you were flirting with, encouraging and kissing this other man? Where were the thoughts of your DH who you claim to love so much?
So many people I know who got caught having an affair say they “didn’t think”. They claim to love their spouse, they don’t want to lose them and most, when they are caught, don’t want to leave their spouse, a lot of affair partners are dropped like a sack of cold shit. I honestly don’t get it, why risk someone you love for some cheap thrill? But don’t let that be you, address any issues in your marriage before you look elsewhere.
If you feel shame now, it’s because you know your actions were and are wrong. Shame often stops us doing things that don’t align with our values. Use that shame to shut this down.

This 100%
Please don’t ruin your marriage for a serial shagger who has no respect for you whatsoever.

You’re already well on the way to cheating on your partner with the office community cock who has used the same lines on every female from 18 to 80 who he thinks he can stick his dick in.

Honestly OP hes preyed on your naivety and you've swallowed his cheesy lines straight out of the sleaze bag handbook page one, chapter one

Thank your lucky stars you posted on here and got a reality check before you made a total fool of yourself and lost your partner.

I'll talk you down from this:

This man at work is a fucking arrogant selfish cheater. He will have done this before (he's most likely lying to you about it just being because you are so sexy, he knows how to lure women). He's 15 years older than you and married. He's a filthy cheating dog and you have been sucked in.

Can you imagine yourself in 5 years time, having ditched your lovely partner and swapped him for this piece of cheating shit - sitting at home on your own because this dirty letch is out hitting on other young women?

This is a cliche - don't forget that. 1000s of cheating turds like this. This man wants to cheat on his wife with a work colleague because he is selfish and loves himself.

He is a player and he is playing you

Omg -
you gonna lose your relationship, your work reputation, for a few fanny gallops then this guy is going to do his thing and be huggy and flirty with the ladies as he skips off into the distance feeling all ego boosted and leave you to pick up the pieces of your life ….
id say don’t tell your partner about the kiss, or tell him and kiss your relationship bye bye and prepare to be single -

Do with this hall guy what you'd be happy some hall girl is doing with your partner if he was in the same situation. (What is a hall guy)?
Anyway if you wouldn't mind your partner having a fling with a sexy woman who he's 'never felt this way about before' then you are with the wrong partner.

To be honest as right on as your current partner sounds it seems you are bored and ready to move on. Long term from high school doesn't have to be forever just because it sounds romantic. Split up and do him a favour, he can have some fun too before you're both ready to settle down. It's not wrong if you're not committed!

Agree with all of this 100%, except the part where he loves himself. Men like this are, at heart, pathetic, needy and insecure. He needs validation, attention, to be made to feel like the “big man”. One woman will never be enough for him. Because, really? He doesn’t like himself very much at all. He is an emotional vacuum. Definitely not good relationship material. His poor wife……

Correction: its not wrong if you both are single. Hall guy is married. Just STOP. Yikes.

He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team, it’s kinda just what he does

I always remember this quote (except I can't remember where it's from) and it is spot on regarding this man - "He's a shark, and sharks circle everybody, but only some people let them in".

He's been testing everyone out, but you are the one that's fallen for it. I expect he's done this before, quite a few times probably. Don't let him make a fool of you, or your dh.

I think I’ll tell my partner about the kiss.

don't whatever you do tell your partner- don't be so daft. It's information he can do nothing with.

this isn't the time to assuage your guilty conscious by admitting anything.

get shot of the creep, forget the fantasy and get things back on track in the real world. You could be throwing away a good relationship if you don't play this carefully.

I'm sorry but reading what you wrote it just sounds like he was feeding you lines to make you want him so he can have a bit of fun behind his wife’s back. I bet he’s done it time and time again and will continue too. He wants to make you feel special? Sorry but you’re a fool if you fall for that.

Give it another couple of months and you’ll be let into the office gossip. I’m certain that you won’t have been the first person that he’s ‘never felt this way about’.

Do not tell your partner anything unless you want to lose him all for a stupid kiss with the office fuck boy.

You need to live with the guilt and use it as a lesson to not fall for the cheesiest lines in the book.

WALK AWAY now!!!! The grass is never greener and you will ruin your family life.
he sounds like a horrible sleaze ball!!!!
Arrange a date night with your husband and go and stay in a hotel somewhere, get some nice underwear and have some fun together. Trust me one night of fun with Mr Sleaze will not satisfy you as much as your husband will.

He's a serial cheat who tries it on with multiple women until he finds one who falls for it. That's you. Don't be a fool and jeopardise your relationship for this chancer. He's married - he has a wife. Have you stopped and thought for one minute what the fallout will be if you have an affair with this man? Does he have children?

Stop behaving like a silly fool and tell this man to back off. Put your energy and attention into your own relationship with your partner instead of chasing a fantasy.

We’ve gone through really rough times and he truly is my life partner and I don’t ever want to live without him. I love my life with him and things are just now starting to get better for us. We are in our 30s. He’s always been faithful to me and loves me so much, as I do him. And I would never want to ruin that

Seriously how can you say all that then follow it with all that crap about your co worker.

If you loved your partner as much as you claim you wouldn't even consider cheating

You know if this goes further your partner will most likely find out, and probably leave you

Only you know if a quick shag with a player is worth destroying the life and man you claim to love

Please do not do anything with this man.
Be home to your husband.
Enjoy your husband not this sleazy piece of sh*t.

Don’t feel stupid. It’s a very good thing you did post because hopefully the harsh but wise words here will prevent you from doing something that you may regret for a long time. Please think very carefully before you tell your OH about the kiss.

omg this guy is a sleezr and you are blowing up work and home. avoid him like the plague and change jobs if you have to. this won’t end well.

It's not a crush. It's an affair. Emotional affair with the added complication that you've kissed this cheating idiot.

Your integrity is like your virginity, once it's gone,it's gone. This guy clearly has no integrity to begin with. He's rattled your peace of mind OP, don't let him rob you of anything else.