Help!!! I have a major crush & it’s turning into something it shouldn’t…

[lovelylady94]

okay, please no hate. I already know how bad this is, and I’m guilty even just thinking about it. This is gonna be kinda long but I really need some help figuring this out…

ive been in a relationship with the same man for almost 14 years. Met him in high school. We’ve gone through really rough times and he truly is my life partner and I don’t ever want to live without him. I love my life with him and things are just now starting to get better for us. We are in our 30s. He’s always been faithful to me and loves me so much, as I do him. And I would never want to ruin that.

but here’s where it gets messy. I started working with this team back in October. I immediately knew the first time I met this man that I was attracted to him, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. I’ve had crushes before but never acted on it because it normally wasn’t mutual and I knew it wasn’t right to pursue. But as things have progressed with this team and the longer I work with them the closer he and I have grown together. He is always very verbal about how pretty I am, hugging me etc. which he does with many women. Including others on the team, it’s kinda just what he does. We’ve had joking conversations that if we weren’t both in relationships (he’s married) that we would definitely date each other. But it never went past that.

The last couple times I’ve seen him I could feel a difference in the energy and the attraction we had to each other. And then this last meeting happened. He opened up to me about me being super sexy to him, and said he wouldn’t think of ever being unfaithful with his wife but that he does with me. I honestly feel the same. He makes me feel ways I have NEVER felt before. Mind you he’s 15 years older than me and much more experienced than me in intimate and emotional ways.

So after this confession we were alone, which never happens… but it did for some reason that day. He told me that he wanted to help me feel special- in context I am very self conscious of myself and my body currently. And my partner does make me feel special and good about myself but this is different… this man looks at me and I can’t even talk… he said he wants to have fun with me and there is nothing wrong with that for him but that he wants to respect my relationship even if I feel mutual. He wants to just see how things progress between us because he is so overwhelmingly attracted to me. Keep in mind I have only been with my partner, no one else…. So I really don’t even know what it’s like to be with another man. Nothing really happened in the car after that, we just kept talking about the strong feelings etc. and then he secretly kissed me when the team wasn’t around later that day. and I liked it…

I know how wrong this is but he is literally my fantasy… he would be my hall pass if you will. Truly my dream guy. This kiss just solidified the sexual tension between us, and honestly just made things a little more intense. It was a quick moment, we didn’t talk about it and then went on our separate ways. So I have no idea what’s even going to happen next.

we did talk about how this could potentially ruin the team working relationship and each of our own relationships if this were to get out, which I know it would. And it’s absolutely a concern for me. I would hate to lose this team. And have the reputation of a cheater with them. And I hate the feeling of being unfaithful to my partner. But I also have this deep urge to explore something else and just have some unattached fun. Because that’s truly what he said it would be. He has no desire to change his life with his wife. And same for me. But we have this tension between us that keeps getting bigger as time goes on.

I just don’t know what to do. I know it’s wrong and I know even kissing him was a boundary crossed. But I can’t help these feelings for him. Please tell me what to do. This is so bad and I just want to know how to even tell him that I just can’t do this. It would break his heart but I also don’t want to break my partners heart and have this guilt inside of me that I can barely live with…

My roommate was like this when I was 21 and with my now husband. I smelt a rat and didn’t act on the insane chemistry. I am convinced he did have actual feelings by the time I left BUT it then transpired about month 4 that he genuinely thought it was ok to cheat before marriage. I have no doubt he is still a cheater. He was just too cool about pursuing me while he had a girlfriend. This guy is exactly how I imagine he would be now. If you shag him and it’s good you will be in love. Don’t do it!

The fact the you said he's always hugging women and telling them they're pretty, makes me think he's on the look out for an affair. I expect that usually women brush him off but he met you and BINGO! Success!
I would honestly run a mile. I've met men like him abd they use all the same lines.

Sometimes when you are in a situation you can’t see it for what it truly is. But to everyone reading OP, it’s as clear as the nose on their face.

This guy is a creep who saw a vulnerability in you and exploited it. You have already crossed a line by kissing him. I urge you to keep away from this man, no good can come of it. Work on yourself and your relationship. I’d maybe even look for a new job to get some distance.

Think about the consequences. Your colleagues will eventually be able to tell something has gone on, some may already see changes. You will be the talk of the workplace & may feel humiliated & want to leave. Your partner may find out & he & his family will hate you & you will lose friends who feel compelled to choose sides. Is any of this worth it?

100% he’s done this many time with various women. The “I’ve never thought about cheating on my wife before but I think about it with you” is a classic line. He’s a bullshitter.

If it helps, I am in almost the exact same situation with a guy at work. Intense sexual chemistry, daily phone calls which last over an hour, messages all day long. I had honestly started to think I was falling for him. The lines he's said to me (I've never once faltered in the last ten years until I met you, I just want to take care of you, you are sexy as fuck, this could be so much fun) are IDENTICAL. We are being played. Talk is cheap and these men rely on us lapping up their words which have no substance. He is love bombing you. He is grooming you. He will then tire of you after the chase is over. Do not risk your relationship for a man with such dubious morals. I will be trying to do the same.

imagine if your DH was doing this co-worker. You would, I imagine, be devastated

FFS. If your “fantasy” includes a lying, cheating shagger and being one yourself, not to mention destroying your husband and your professional reputation, crack on. Men like this make my legs clamp shut. He’s a sleeze and you’ve fallen for it? And it certainly won’t “break his heart” if you tell him to fuck right off, he will just move on to the next gullible woman.

You silly mare. You won’t be the first and you sure won’t be the last. If you want your reputation left in tatters then carry on as you are! 🙄

Don’t do it OP. Even ignoring the host of other issues, the sex won’t be amazing enough to risk everything you stand to lose.

If you act on it, you'll regret it when it fizzles out and IT WILL. You'll feel like an utter idiot and your colleagues will notice, and you'll have a reputation you don't want.

Step back before it's too late. He is a creep. What you need is distance.

The only thing that come from this is pain.

Why don’t you ask your husband’s opinion on what you should do?

OP you are being played for an absolute fiddle!

He can smell your insecurities and is playing on them.

Do not think that you are the only one he’s doing this to.

He said “he wants to make you feel special”. Don’t go there he just wants a bunk up .Sounds like a creep who knows what he is doing .Think of your poor husband FGS

Been there done that, honestly, don’t bother, it’s not worth the possible fallout. Roll on a few decades and I can barely remember these men (happened a couple of times) even though I felt like we were meant to be together, never felt like it before, felt more alive yada yada. (I didn’t act on them but the crushes were very intense and mutual). Anyway, one in particular who I was crazy about just went on to the next person. Funnily enough something reminded me of him recently after over thirty years of not giving him a thought. I looked him up and he’s just a white haired old man now and I thought, crikey was I having this intense, I can't live without him, huge crush on him?

This is a whole lot of dramatic creative writing for something very simple, OP – he’s a sleazebag playing away on his wife (why oh why would any self respecting woman find this attractive, I can’t fathom). You’re (very) actively shitting all over someone you claim to love and care for deeply.

How can you do that to him? How can you do this to another woman? Do you understand how this utterly wrecks people’s mental health for the rest of their lives?

Get over yourself, and either stop this immediately or leave your poor partner so he can find someone who won’t treat him like shit.

Thank you all for your input. I won’t be acting on anything and completely understand I fell into a trap he has played many times. I never want to hurt my partner. And this would be devastating for all involved. I feel stupid even posting this now. I think I’ll tell my partner about the kiss. But I also don’t want to ruffle feathers since I work with the other guy so often. I just want to do the right thing moving forward and completely understand I already messed up but I don’t want to take it any further.

I think you'll find you already have hurt your partner.

When you tell him about the kiss he will be very hurt indeed I imagine. If my DH kissed another woman and almost had an affair I would be devastated and the trust would be gone.

Be prepared for him not to be able to move past this. I personally couldn't

I know I already hurt him. I didn’t come here for shame. I obviously needed talking down. And I was not the one who initiated the kiss. But I understand kissing him back is a big issue. It’s squashed and I’ll be telling him that nothing can happen further, because it can’t and I don’t want it to. I’ve already made a big mistake and I don’t want it to hurt any more. I couldn’t move past it either if he did this to me. Again. I need to be talked down from the feelings I was having. So I guess thanks for the tough talking to…

Exactly this.

Grow up. That line is used on any woman he thinks is easy enough to stick his dick in. And you've lapped it up...

Ah come on.

Men are bad enough changing their arm anyway but you can't hide your interest in him so he started to feed you typical lazy lines that you fell for.

He didn't even have to try!

Wise up.

Everyone is piling on, but Op has said that she has only ever been with her partner. Perhaps, unlike most of us, she has not had much experience with creepy old men.
I think, if at all possible, you need to move teams. If you can’t. Back away from him. Be polite (as you have to work together ) but be clear that you want no more hugs etc.
If you have to keep working with him, think very carefully about whether to tell your partner. If you really aren’t going to act on it, maybe you could treat it as a life lesson and keep it to yourself as it will hurt him enormously.
whilst of course, I’d want to know if my partner was with someone else, if he had one kiss that he felt awful about and definitely wouldn’t repeat. I think I’d rather not know.
Whatever you do, stay away from the creep and watch him move onto the next woman.

He sounds quite predatory. Given the age gap, is he much senior to you? I'd guess he has done this before. Be really grown up and decide that you are only going to think about your DH - every time the fantasy comes into your mind, switch it off for DH's sake. There is a line that fantasising about someone else is already unfaithfulness in your heart. Leave the job if it makes it easier, or find something you don't like about the man. Can you subtly find out more from colleagues?

I suspect you might have fabulous sex and the it would get very messy and you'll end up feeling shite.

Stop it now. Don't be an idiot.

You don't seriously think it will break this twats heart if you won't shag him do you?? My God. Im speechless. I don't know if you are arrogant and think you're something special or think you are doing him a favour..

Have a read of the thread from an OP who could be you six months in your future, except she was already split from her husband and it's still ruined her life: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5308467-ruined-my-life-for-a-man-who-turned-out-to-be-full-of-shit