Ruined my life for a man who turned out to be full of shit

[babs891]

In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.

The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.

In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.

So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.

I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.

Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)

He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.

Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.

I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.

I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.

Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.

Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.

Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"

So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.

(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)

I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.

He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.

He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.

I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.

He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.

I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.

He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

I actually feel sick 😔

If her ex had met someone else, and had asked her to move out based on his new woman’s say so everyone would be saying what a selfish, terrible parent he was.
Particularly if he’d introduced his daughter to said new woman.

It’s your ex I feel sorry for. All the signs were there to say this new guy wasn’t that into you but decided to go back on your arrangement with your ex. The father of your child!

It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

Play it a bit more normal next time you start dating a guy.

OP, don’t beat yourself up too much. Mistakes (even really big ones) allow us to learn and grow. Most ultimately successful people (in relationships and life) have taken risks and made many mistakes along the way. Hopefully, one day, you’ll be able to look at this with dark humour from a much better place. It could’ve been much worse. He could’ve moved in with you or financially shafted you.

It’s happened to the best of us coming out of a long relationship with kids. It’s so hard to date again when you’ve been used to one person and it’s gone stale over a long time and ended, while at the same time you’ve got worn down giving everything as a parent. The oxytocin hit can be very strong. And having someone who appears to adore us is so flattering and wonderful.

Sometimes, these men are manipulative, weird, demanding and flaky, as this guy sounds. But sometimes they’re romantics (very appealing) who think they have genuine feelings of love, because they’ve got swept up themselves, promising the world. Then reality kicks it and the rose glasses slip from their eyes too. They see things about us, and the reality of our kids, that start to give them second thoughts. Not every genuine love affair works out. But some do. So, worth giving it a go when you’re ready again. But with boundaries.

As you’ve already learned, keep any new man away from your home and DD. And if he has kids, refuse to meet them. Don’t expect to move in with him. If someone’s genuine, they’ll understand and be willing to take it slowly and respect that your DD, and even your ex as her father, will always come first. Try to build bridges with your ex. Tell him you know you behaved appallingly to him and how sorry you are. If he’s a kind and mature man, he’ll understand. As parents of a DD with a disability, unless he’s abusive, it’s vital to respect his needs and role as a father and co-parent ahead of any new man in future.

Closely followed by gaslighting

I think you really need to take some time for yourself, and do some intensive therapy before entering another relationship. That is not an insult, your post is a clear cry for help and it will be genuinely beneficial for you and your dd.

For future happiness, you need to have much firmer personal boundaries in place, and not lose them over a mans whims. Your family security and happiness should come first, in all and any situations.

The promise of love when you are vulnerable can be intoxicating and take over your sense. It isn't your fault, you were taken advantage of and manipulated, that is on him. But you must take steps to prevent it happening again, as unfortunately there are many like him.

What is it with women who decide that their way of life is the right way for every woman? You see here all the time - I'm single, I love it, I wouldn't give up this for a man. Well round of applause for them - that's THEIR choice but no need to knock someone who chooses something different. Yes the OP has a child but she is entitled to what is seen as a normal life to many people - a life with a partner. Yes it blew up in her face on this occasion for various reasons which may be valid BUT no need for the attempt at totally demolishing someone's character because she wanted something that most people have - a relationship.

She put her want for a "relationship" (or I could put it more vulgarly) ahead of the interest of her child. I've no sympathy for her - she rushed into this new relationship with no thought for the other people affected by it. I'm not sure what the point of her AIBU even is.

The OP split with her ex at the start of 2024 and they mutually agreed he’d move out ‘at the end of the year’ (2024). She started seeing the twat in September and the ex moved out ‘a couple of months later’ ie November. So the ex leaving was only expedited by a few weeks. It’s a trivial difference in timing. The OP’s living situation would be exactly the same now regardless of the relationship with the guy at work. I can’t see any reason why the ex can’t look for a nicer place nearer the former family home before it is sold (presumably this autumn) and properly co-parent their daughter. I think it would be far more confusing & upsetting for the daughter to have her daddy move back in (as some posters have suggested) and then the OP & her ex living separately again when the house is sold. The OP is heartbroken to realise her boyfriend is a lying, manipulative twat but she didn’t cheat and the ex had already agreed to leave the family home before the relationship began.

I think some are being way too harsh on the op here. Yes she moved too fast but they had split up. Living together forever was never going to work.

Somebody asked if I cheated on / left XP for the boyfriend. Absolutely not.

I didn't want to delve into why XP and I separated as I didn't want to paint him in a poor light (and still don't because we have long put it behind us and he truly is a good father and friend) but the reason we split up is because he cheated on me.

We rubbed along for as long as we could and I did forgive him but ultimately all romantic feelings died. We were basically living as friends for two years until we admitted to ourselves that there wasn't any way back and it was best to separate officially and reframe the relationship as a co-parenting one. We hadn't slept in the same bedroom or had sex for over two years before we formalised the separation, so there was definitely no illicit affair on my part.

@glitterturd couldn’t agree more with you -lots of incredibly rigid thinkers- I have a friend who thought exactly like this, met no one , always put her daughter first-, daughter has turned into an incredibly selfish little madam in her late teens who speaks to her mother like shit and sees her purely Asa cash machine . Friend now wishing she had put herself first a bit more and actually had some fun there is a balance and there are some incredibly sanctimonious people on mumsnet - the lady admits if she could wind the clock back she would do it differently, what do people want? Blood?

Absolutely. There wouldn't be a shred of sympathy if it had been the OP's ex husband who had behaved like this.

I hope you do recover from this quickly as caring for your child must be exhausting.

This may be harsh but it's better for you that you take responsibility for your actions. You might need to consider counselling as healing from a long term relationship and now this break up will impact you. The definition of healing is that you are not triggered by ex or ex bf..I think some of your hurt to this recent relationship may lay with recovery from your partner breakup.

Could this be the bf framing of your romance?

He was attracted to someone at work who was still living with an ex. This made him feel he couldn't commit. Had he posted, MN would have told him to dump you until you had resolved your living situation and lived alone for a period of time. However he continued the relationship,you started to live solo, but cracks started to appear (after the initial honeymoon phase) and he didn't think there was a future. When he discussed it with you, he was called manipulative and you caused a scene in work.

I think you both got carried away, it might have been intense but it was a very short term relationship, that has now ended. It is never sensible to be a relationship when someone is living with an Ex. It was your actions to your ex partner, that caused a breakdown of co parenting and perhaps you were still harbouring some understandable anger towards him for the affair.

I hope you can rebuild that co parenting relationship and heal from both break ups.

And now you are trying to demean her even further by suggesting she was desperate for sex? How commendable are you?

If the OP's ex husband had behaved the way she has that's exactly what posters would be saying.

I believe they must be rigid thinkers who have little life experience. Life isn't black and white. Shit happens. It's a bizarre concept that because someone has a child they must never open up their life to a future partner. Yes I agree there was haste in this case but you never hear people saying this about a man. It's misogynistic . It's keeping women in their position as an enabler for everyone else.

Your opinions are based on what you think others would say?

He gaslighted her.

He didn’t say ‘look I said all these things but that was before I realised that there were aspects to you that had previously been concealed’

He wasn’t decent. It wasn’t about cracks. He told her outright that she’d imagined it all.

Abusive cunts do that.

Some of these responses are laughable. OPs ex cheated on her and destroyed the family unit, yet OP is being blamed. If my ex had cheated on me he would have been out of the house straight away.

It’s as if single mothers are expected to sew their hymen back up and stay celibate for 18 years. Meanwhile the fathers are allowed to move on as they please.

I’m a single mother and plan on remaining single but I think some of these comments are very unfair. OP has been conned by a selfish twat and will learn her lesson. No need to kick her when she’s down.

MN appears to be full of misogynists these days.

Ang thread with a woman claiming benefits because she’s a single mum is full of them.
I don’t know what’s happened to this place. Where have all the smart, funny, supportive women gone who have critical thinking skills and Dong have a blind spot with nuance?

And the XP cheated on you?

OP - you’ve already been walked all over once. Jn no way at all do you need to go grovelling bavk to him either or apologising.

I wouldn’t bother with the Freedom project - it’s outdated, overly simplistic and has no value in recognising proper narcs (in whichever of the four firms they manifest)

Narcs are light years ahead of yhd Freedom project - waste of time for spotting them.

Op put her want for a man in her life above the welfare of her child with sn? To the point of introducing this guy within weeks of knowing him (the relationship only lasted six months in total) and changing the child’s living arrangements on the guy’s say so.
You don’t see any issue with this?

Strange take on what she said?

Yes I agree there was haste in this case but you never hear people saying this about a man.

On here? That's said all the time. A man who'd done what the OP did would get his arse handed to him.

Eh?